


Drummer Girl

by Commander Lexa (Cmdr_Lexa)



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drug Use, Drummer Lexa, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Fuck you JR, I realy need a beta, Lexa deserves better, Protective Clarke, Protective Lexa, clarke is a doctor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-09-03 09:44:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 35
Words: 46,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8707438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cmdr_Lexa/pseuds/Commander%20Lexa
Summary: Again I looked at the card that was lying on my kitchen table. Since I had taken her from my mailbox three days ago, she did not let me rest. An invitation to the class reunion, an invitation to my long past repressed past. I had not been in contact for much of the class for years, only to Raven, who worked with me in the hospital, and to Octavia I still used a close friendship.By the ringing of my mobile phone I was torn from the thoughts. Raven, of course, who else."Rae, what's up?" I asked annoyed, because I already knew what the conversation would be like. Since the invitation to the class reunion, she was so upside down."You will not believe it," she began. "I talked to Monty and he said that everyone else said yes. Even the Grounders will come. "My heart stopped short. That would mean Lexa would be there. Lexa, whom I had not seen for fifteen years, not since I... I tried not to think of her any more, as I had tried in vain for the last fifteen years.*** After 15 years the Grounders return for a class reunion after TonDC. 15 years of oppressed feelings that suddenly come backCLEXA AU / Happy End !?





	1. Prolog

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt to write a story in English so please be gracious with me.

Clarke POV:

Again I looked at the card that was lying on my kitchen table. Since I had taken her from my mailbox three days ago, she did not let me rest. An invitation to the class meeting, an invitation to my long past repressed past. I had not been in contact for much of the class for years, only to Raven, who worked with me in the hospital, and to Octavia I still used a close friendship.

By the ringing of my mobile phone I was torn from the thoughts. Raven, of course, who else.

"Rae, what's up?" I asked annoyed, because I already knew what the conversation would be like. Since the invitation to the class meeting, she was so upside down.

"You will not believe it," she began. "I talked to Monty and he said that everyone else said yes. Even the Grounders will come. "My heart stopped short. That would be Lexa would be there. Lexa, whom I had not seen for fifteen years, not since I... I tried not to think of her any more, as I had tried in vain for the last fifteen years.

"Come on Clarke, you just have to come. This will be fun, "Raven almost begged.

"No I can not. I have to work, "I replied annoyed.

"You can not or you do not want? You can change your shift without problems. You're the senjor physican doctor. You make the shift plan. "I rolled my eyes. I did not want, there lay the problem. I did not want to and could not face my past and almost forgotten feelings.

"Just think about it. One more or less it does not matter. And you have almost three weeks left. Would be nice if you are there. I would be happy, "she continued. I could hear her grin.

"I'll think about it. Promised Rae. But I do not have time now. "I lied." See you at the clinic. See you tomorrow. "I hung up and took a deep breath.

It had been a quiet Sunday so far, I was free and just wanted to hang out with a good glass of red wine and a book on the couch. But now my thoughts were back with her and her green eyes. And as always, when I got weak and wanted to be close, I grabbed a record of the Grounders out of the closet. And spun the music loudly.

The Grounders were a band consisting of my former classmates Anya, Costia and Lexa. A band, which had now become world-famous and never lost its way to TonDC. The three had always been a sworn community. All three were orphans, came from very poor circumstances, and everyone in the class had been afraid or at least respect for them.

The rhythmic sound of Lexa's drumming filled my living room. I ignored Costia's vocals and Anya's lead guitar very much. I poured myself a whiskey and played the percussion solo in the endless loop. Only so I could be close to her and no one would ever know about it.


	2. How it all began

 

Clarke POV:

 

** Flashback **

 

Alone, I stood at the door of the director of the Ark High School. I was late and I was the new one. A week ago, my mom and I had moved to TonDC, as she had assumed the position of senior physician at the local hospital. I tapped the door.

"Come in." I slowly opened the door and entered the Rector's office. "Mrs Griffin. I've been waiting for you."

The tall man, whose name was Thelonious Jaha, greeted me gently. He gave me my timetable and a brief introduction into the school regulation before he took me to the class. How embarrassing, the lessons had been running for almost half an hour, and I burst into the middle of the lecture of a student who looked at me extremely annoyed.

"Oh Mrs. Griffin, Thank you for joining us." the teacher greeted me with a stern look. She was wearing a red dress and long black hair. "Please take the free space at the window. And Anya please go on."

With a lowered look, I went to the assigned place and left me on the chair. Anya hissed softly in my direction and then continued. I felt the look of the class lay on me, but I had not expected otherwise. So I stared at my writing pad, which lay in front of me and tried to be as invisible as possible.

The pause rattled me and everyone jumped up.

"Stop!" The teacher's stern voice sounded. "Please read the book by Friday. We'll write a test about it."

The whole class groaned before they left the room.

"Hey, I'm Raven." a little brunette from the side spoke to me, holding out her hand.

"Clarke. I'm Clarke." I replied as I gave her my hand.

"Come along, I'll show you where we have next class." And since I really did not know what I was doing, I followed her thanks. Only I did not get far.

When I left the room I felt like a leg was placed and before I could react, I lay in the corridor along the length. Next to me were Anya and two other young women who laughed loudly.

"This is for you interrupting my lecture." Anya snapped at me as Raven helped me.

"You can not even be nice," she hissed at the three and pulled me on. Shortly I looked around again and saw how they looked after me laughing.

"We're not finished yet, Griffin!" Anya shouted at me before we turned around the corner.

"Who were they?" I looked a little shocked at Raven.

"Well, as fast as you have with those have not lost someone before. They were Anya and her band. The little brunette Costia and the larger Costia's girlfriend Lexa. You should beware of them, they can make your life here to hell. "

"Girlfriend?"

"Yes. Her girlfriend, they've been a couple for about a year."

I did not know from where I came from. In the next classroom, I sat next to Raven. I had the feeling that I would get along well with her and the others who she introduced to me seemed to be nice. But everyone warned me of Anya and her girlfriends who entered the room with the hour rattling.

We had art, a subject that I loved. I just liked to draw for my life. But today was something different. I could not forget Anya's threat that they were not finished with me.

Nervously, I looked around and looked directly into Lexa's eyes, who glared at me. Yet I saw something special in them. Never before had I seen more beautiful deep green eyes. Eyes that aroused in me that I could not describe.

**Flashback end**

 

A ringing at my apartment door and a loud pounding against it, interrupted my daydream.  
  
"It's Sunday. Is not it a little quieter. "My neighbor roared in the house floor. I had probably forgotten this when I repeated the Drumsolo for the umpteenth time, and it had louder every time, just to dive into the music just to get closer to Lexa.  
  
I turned off the music and opened my neighbor Roan annoyed door.  
  
"Sorry, Roan does not come back." I said, slightly lamenting, since it had not remained with a whiskey.

"Yes, yes Clarke, you say that every time. You're drunk?"  
  
"No, I'm fine." I replied, trying to control myself, pushing Roan out of the door, which I then closed much too hard, but I really did not care. I just wanted to be alone with myself. I could not use anyone with me, as always when I was in Lexa's mind.  
  
I went to the refrigerator brought me a cool water before I retired to the couch, cuddled into a blanket and turned on the TV. I hung on some transmitter and watched a boring movie.  
  
When I woke up, I was hurt with every single bone. The sofa was not so cozy, but I had to sleep during the film, because now ran a completely different program. I turned off the TV and dragged myself into my big empty bed. The alarm clock beside me said 2:38 clock. Well great at five I had to get up.

The alarm clock was merciless. For twenty minutes, he rang the bell in five minutes. Hesitantly and cursing, I stood up. How could I just go through this day. In front of me lay a twelve-hour shift. After I had showered myself quickly and cleaned my teeth, I made myself a coffee and then ran almost to my car. The twenty minutes I had left in my bed brought me time pressure.

On the way to the clinic, I turned on my radio. No one disturbed the volume. I had to get up.

"Good morning, TonDC" the morning moderator almost screamed into the microphone. "The good news for you out there, the Grounders will give a concert in our city in just under three weeks. We will raffle two free admission tickets five times ... "I did not listen to what he said.  
I knew from Raven that they would be in the city, but that they would also give a concert was new to me.

"... and on this occasion we play Grounders' new hit single," the moderator shouted, and I heard the first bars. I did not know this song, but I heard Lexa sing, which she did not do too often.

 

"...

  
  


Oh, but how can I sleep with your voice in my head

With an ocean between us and room in my bed

Oh, have I come to the point where I'm losing the grip

…

Oh, when you glows in the dark and I'm weak by the sight

Of this breathtaking beauty in which I can hide

...

Yes, when you glows in the dark and I'm struck by the sight

I know that I'll need you for the rest of my life“ *

  
  


I was driving slowly and I felt like tears running down my cheeks, every word spoke so much to me.

\---

 

* Lyrics of Excerpts: Swing of Things (AHA)

  
  


 

 


	3. Hard Times

Clarke POV:

 

Of course, I was already too late when I turned into the parking lot of the clinic and parked my car. I breathed deeply again before I entered the emergency room, where I had been working as a senior physician for two years. I just wanted to go today.

"Good morning, Dr. Griffin." the nurse greeted me with a wide smile on her face. How could you have such a good mood at this time?

"Good morning, Harper. I'm in my office." I replied shortly before I went to the elevator to drive to the fifth floor. It was a while before the lift came and around me had already formed a growd as the door finally opened.

A felt eternity later I finally arrived on the fifth floor after we had held on each floor. In the hall, some of my colleagues met me, greeted me kindly. I just nodded back and went straight to my office and dropped myself on my office chair.

In front of me there was a whole mountain of unfinished paperwork, but I could still take care of it later. Still, the song did not go out of my head and especially the line "I know that I'll need you for the rest of my life." Whom could she have meant?

As far as I knew Lexa had been in no fixed relationship for years. She was the band member of the Grounders, with whom the newspapers were the most concerned, but they were more headlines of countless affairs, alcohol or drug trafficking. And now she was singing a song that hit me right in the heart. That made my heart split into a thousand pieces. He drowned me with tears.

A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts and Raven put her head in.

"Good morning." She had once again set her good mood grin that was so contagious.

"Good morning Rae." I greeted them kindly, at least I tried to look like this.

"Are you all right Clarke? You have eye-rings, as if you had not slept for days. "She looked me up and down and put her forehead in folds.

"Well, the last three nights not much." I admitted, yawning heartily.

"Is it because of the class meeting? I know you had a hard time with Anya and her girlfriends, but it was a long time ago. It's going to be nice." Annoyed, I rolled my eyes.

"Rae, I told you yesterday that I must work. And I will not exchange my shift. I will not come. I just can not. Okay!" She did not know how close I had been to Lexa. Nobody knew it. Only Lexa and I, it was our secret.

 

...  
  
**Flashback:**

For months, Anya and her friends had tried to make life difficult for me at school, but I had found good friends in Raven and Octavia, who were holding me and supporting me. But they could not always be with me.

One day, when I was alone on my way home from school, they suddenly appeared before me. With their arms crossed, they stood before me and blocked the way.

"Well, where are you going?" Anya came up to me and put her hand on my shoulders and brushed my backpack from them. I was not able to move. A nasty grin lay in her face as she rammed her fist into the stomach pit. I sagged and went to my knees before her. I fought for air. She grabbed my backpack and threw it into the stream I had just passed. She wanted to go back when Lexa grabbed her arm.

"Anya, it's enough! Let's get out of here. Griffin has had enough for today. Believe me." I looked at Lexa incredulously. Had she just helped me or just did not want to be caught. The three already had enough trouble.

 Anya snapped at Lexa and then at me before they disappeared. I fished my fully soaked backpack out of the stream and sat down at a nearby tree. The tears ran down my face. So I had not imagined my new home. I had always been the swot, I was also bullied in my old school by some classmates, but the three, especially Anya, surpassed everything.

I do not know how long I've been sitting at the tree when I suddenly heard footsteps behind me. Fearfully, I looked around and saw Lexa.

"Have not you had enough? Do you want to humiliate me even more?" I asked her angrily, while the tears still ran down my face.

"No, Clarke. I'm here to apologize. Anya has clearly gone too far today. I'm sorry." She looked at me guiltily and looked me in the eye. Immediately I sensed the special thing that was going on from her deep green eyes. Immediately I lost myself in them. What was she doing to me?

 "Come up, you're cooling yourself." She held out her hand, which I accepted hesitantly. Immediately I felt her warmth, her soft skin on mine, the bumps that caused this touch in me. I had not expected any of this since she always had such an incredible cold.

"I'll take you home, Clarke. I want to make sure you get on well." I looked at Lexa incredulously. Was that a trap or was she serious? She took my backpack and slowly ran away. It took me a while until I followed her. I did not know if I could trust her.

She actually took me home and gave me the backpack only at my doorstep. From then on she took care of me. If Anya could go back to the finish line and start up to me, Lexa stopped her.

 

** Flashback End  **

 

...

"Did you hear the new song on the radio this morning? I really had goose bumps. So sensuous and vulnerable I had never heard of Lexa." Raven took me back to the present.

"Hmm, yes I have." I tried not to let me see how much all this upset me.

"And they said on the radio that the Grounders will also give a concert. It will take place the day before the class meeting. I got three cards at once. Octavia was enthusiastic, and since your shift plan says you're free, I've also ordered you one." Raven grinned all over her face.

In me, on the other hand, everything went together. Everything seemed to turn and I stared at her incredulously.

"Raven what is this? Why do not you ask me before" The horror was written in my face.

"Clarke, you got all the albums at home. You always hear their music. You're the biggest fan I know. So you come with and no objection." She stamped lightly with her foot and looked at me urgently.

"Okay, okay." Under thirty thousand people she would probably not see me.

"Well, great. We'll see us for lunch." With a triumphant grin, Raven left my office and left me alone. I would see Lexa again and she would not notice me. I felt a tingling grow in me. A tingling sensation, which I had not felt for many years.

 

 


	4. Life on Tour

Lexa POV:

"Lexa, Lexa!" Anya shouted at me. "Take the headphones out." I could see that she was angry. But I kept drumming on my bed with my drumsticks.

"Lexa, how can you say yes to the invitation to the class meeting? We had sworn to never go back there. What do we want there, with all the losers?" Oh, she was angry. But that did not bother me very much, I just grinned at her, then I took another big sip Scotch out of the bottle and leaned back comfortably. And before I could say anything, Anya had already spoken again.

"Just say you've drunk almost the whole bottle?" She said, looking slightly horrified.

"If you ask me so, yes I have." I could not hide my grin.

"You know we have a show in three hours and you can not fall from your stool." 

"I've never been, have I? I will take some pills and then I am fit. What should be different tonight?” I rolled my eyes and emptied the bottle before Anya slammed it out of my hand.

"Finally grow up, Lexa! You're still bothering us with your eternal attitudes and scandals!" She hit the door of my hotel room loudly behind her and disappeared.

I breathed a sigh of relief. We have been on tour for six months and so slowly we got on our nerves. We did not really get out of the hotel, as these were often besieged by fans. We lacked the possibilities of retreat, we squatted practically twenty-four hours. I also had no sense of the country in which we were. The hotel rooms always looked the same. 

To the distraction I had already years ago liked the alcohol, my inhibitions fell and so I often had my change, when I took someone after a show to my room. And besides, I wrote the best songs when I was not clear, so why was she complained. I shook my head.

In the last few days, we had fought hard to decide whether we should go to the class meeting. Anya and Costia were strictly against it. Not me. I really wanted to go. And so I had written Monty a message that we would come and asked the management for a small show in TonDC. And they liked the idea of letting Grounders perform in their hometown.

The other two were almost exploded as our management gave the news to them. Only I had felt so immensely much expectation to me, as I had not done for a long time. Maybe Clarke would come, even if I had thrown on her head at our last meeting, that I never want to see her again. She had simply hurt me, and until today I could never forget the tears in her eyes when she went and took my heart with herself. 

The thoughts on her have been inspiring me in the past few years. Most of our hits I had written indirectly about or for her. Only she would probably never know. After the separation, she had constantly bombarded me with calls and sent me tens of messages. But I had ignored them all. And because it annoyed me, I had changed my phone number.

I thought that was right. A decision that I had endlessly regretted for years and which I could no longer undo. I did not know how she was. Where she lived and what she did. I, Lexa Woods, put all my hopes in the class meeting.

Again I leaned back on my bed. Lock the eyes and thought of Clarke. I immediately fell into her when she first entered the class. The blonde hair, which was around her shoulder, the little birthmark above her lips, and the deep-blue eyes in which I could sink, had so impressed me. 

Only she had always been a thorn in the eye of Anya, she was an enemy, she was an ardent. But I knew I needed Anya and Costia to ever get out of this city. I was just too lazy for the school and my grades looked the same. So I stood to Anya, with whom the great passion for music combined me. After all, we played together for years in the band and were friends.

But for Clarke I felt sorry, Anya often went too hard against her. She exercised physical and psychological violence against her. I could not allow that. I tried to protect her where I could. I got into trouble with Anya, she did not understand why I was working for Clarke.

But Clarke and I became secret friends. We often met at our tree at the brook, as we called it, or I visited Clarke at home. She helped me with my school problems and I protected her from Anya. I enjoyed it so much when we spent time together, I enjoyed the little touches when she just put her hand on my back or my arm. 

Every time I melted inside. I had fallen in love with her, without realizing it. She was perfect for me. She was too good for me. She was the reason why Costia left me at that time. I just did not have time for my girlfriend. My spare time was completed by the band samples and especially by Clarke. And yet I could not have been happier then.

A knock on the door tore me out of my mind. Lincoln, our chauffeur and bodyguard, put his head through the door gap.

"Lex, you're finally done. We have to go." I moaned softly and rose from the bed.

"Where are we actually, I will not scream the wrong city name in the audience." I grinned at Linc, because I really did not care.  
"Today Melbourne, tomorrow Sydney."

"So Australia and in three weeks TonDC!" As I was happy. I closed my door and followed Linc to the tour bus. As always, I was the last. Anya with her husband Gustus, Costia with her wife Luna and the rest of the team were waiting for me. And Anya was still angry that I looked at her.

The bus drove straight into the Melbourne Rectangular Stadium. In the dressing room I put on my stage outfit. A long black leather coat, I painted my face with a kind of war-painting, threw two small pills, took my drumsticks and then went with the rest of the band towards the stage. It was a normal night for me, somewhere in the world.


	5. The Show

Clarke POV:

 

The last three weeks had passed very quickly. The whole city seemed to be in anticipation of the concert tonight. Only I did not know how I felt. On the one hand, I was afraid and on the other hand I could hardly wait to see Lexa again.  
  
Well, with thirty thousand people in a stadium, it was almost impossible for Lexa to see me, but we'd be together in a room for the first time in nearly fifteen years. This thought gave me a slight smile.  
  
I had been standing in front of my wardrobe for almost half an hour and was not able to make up my mind about what I should wear. I was just too excited. And at any moment Raven and Octavia would come to pick me up.

As soon as I had thought of my thoughts, the doorbell was already ringing. With rolling eyes I ran to this and opened it. My two friends entered immediately and looked at me both surprised.  
  
"Say you want to go to the concert in this outfit?" Octavia slipped her head slightly, and grinned at me. I shook my head. Jogging pants and my old favorite T-shirt were not what I wanted to wear at the concert.  
  
"No I do not want to. I just do not know what to wear." I replied, slightly irritated and then pulled by Raven to my wardrobe.  
  
"The whole cupboard is full, you'll find something, Clarke. It's just a concert and not a ball." With a sweeping arm movement, she stood in front of my wardrobe.

Octavia dragged my dark tight jeans and a black tight top out of my closet and threw it to me. "Get dressed, I do not want to stand in the last row. We have to go."  
  
I shook my head slightly and did as I commanded. Not five minutes later we sat in Raven's car. From the stereo came the loud music of the Grounders, to the mood as Octavia said. 

I sat behind the two, looking restlessly out of the window, nervously playing with my fingers. Not two hours more and I would see her at last. When we arrived in front of the stadium, we saw huge queues at the entrances.  
  
"Oh, great." moaned Octavia. "We need an eternity until we get inside. Nothing with first row. "  
  
"I would not have gone anyway." I replied, and Raven nodded to me in agreement.

It took us almost an hour to get to the stadium. We bought for each of us a beer and found a place from which we could see the stage well. And then it was finally time. The first thing I heard was the drums, Lexa's drums. She appeared large on the screen. She wore a long black jacket and the typical war-painting of the Grounders. I just had eyes for Lexa. My face shone.  
  
Shortly thereafter, the other band members entered the stage and began to rock. The people around us were fully rescued with enthusiasm. Only I stood still and watched Lexa. I could not let her out of sight for a moment.  
  
"Hey Griffin, you stand like a salt column," Raven said with a broad grin on her face after a while, slightly pushing her elbow into my side. "You can move to the rhythm with the rest, as everyone else here also does. " 

They played some songs when suddenly the light went out. Anya, Costia and a few other band members left the stage. Lexa had grabbed an acoustic guitar and walked along the footbridge leading to the audience. She sat down on a barstool and put on the guitar strap. She was so close to me now. No twenty meters separated us, but only Lexa was standing in the light cone, so she could not see the faces of the audience.  
  
"Hey! TonDC how are you?" She called into the microphone and the crowd grumbled. "Nice to be back here." There was a big smile on her face. She looked so happy and my heart was beating faster.  
  
"Okay!" she continued, "I'm not here to do small talk with you, so I'll sing. For that I'll be paid.” Her smiling grew. “I want to sing something very special. I wrote the song a couple of years ago. You can not find it on any album and I've never played it publicly. I'll just play the song here and now in TonDC." She paused, looked around the audience, took a deep breath and continued quietly. "Skygirl if you're here tonight, the song is just for you." For me? I stood there motionless, unable to move.  
  
Lexa lowered her head and began to play the intro on the guitar before she began to sing with her gentle voice. Already after the first tones my heart beat even faster. 

 

„Love of my life

you've hurt me

You've broken my heart

and now you leave me

Love of my life

can't you see?

 

Bring it back

bring it back

don't take it away from me

because you don't know

what it means to me...

 

Love of my life

don't leave me

You've stolen my heart

and now desert me

Love of my life

can't you see?

 

Bring it back

bring it back

don't take it away from me

because you don't know

what it means to me...

 

You will remember

when this is blown over

and everything's all

by the way

When I grow older

I will be there

at your side

to remind you

how I still love you

I still love you...“**

 

She played a short guitar solo. I did not know what to feel. I felt as if I was standing alone in front of her, as if no one but we two were here. Fully motionless. I had turned my arms around my body. My hands clasped in my shirt. Isolated tears ran down my face as she continued. 

 

„Ohhh hurry back, hurry back

Don´t take it away from me, because you don't know

what it means to me

Love of my life

Love of my life“**

 

The crowd began to applaud and rage. Lexa just looked up and said "I still love you!" My heart stopped. The tears were streaming down my cheeks. I was trembling all over my body, hot and cold at the same time. Had she just given me a declaration of love?  
  
"Oh my God, that was so nice." I heard Octavia sobbing next to me and i looked at my friends briefly. Tears also ran down their cheeks. Lexa looked around the audience again before she went back to her drums. I just stared at her.  
  
The band was still playing some songs and a few encores, before they leave the stage with applause. And Lexa with them behind the stage and so disappeared from my field of view and took my heart with her.  
  
"Let's go for a drink!" Raven ordered and pushed us towards the exit. My thoughts were with Lexa. 

  
\------------  
** Source: one of my all time favorite songs "Love of my life" by Queen 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For ideas and nice reviews, I am always grateful to you.


	6. Club Visit

Clarke POV:

 

We were still standing at the exit of the stadium. Again and again my eyes went back to the stage, where Lexa had been sitting a few moments ago. I felt a piercing pain in my chest just as she'd left me years ago. And now she was gone again.  
  
I had to swallow hard when I realized my eyes were filling with water. I tried to suppress the tears, which I managed with great effort. Why hadn´t I called her? When she was so close to me and sang for me, it was so quiet in the stadium. No fan had sung during the song, as no one knew the text. If I had just called something. But I had not been able to move or give a sound.  
  
I felt Raven's hand on my back, she pushed me further to the exit, away from Lexa. After an hour or so we came back to her car. Again I sat on the back seat, again I played nervously with my fingers. Absently, I stroked the back of my hand, as Lexa had done years before.

Octavia turned up the stereo again, and my two friends sang loudly. Somehow they still had a voice, although they had sung almost two hours during the concert. I shook my head slightly and smiled at myself. Watching the two looked just too funny.   
  
Raven drove straight to our favorite club, The Dropship. It was Friday night, but in itself it was still early. When we entered the club there was little going on, probably half the city came already at the concert tonight. And so the room would fill later. We ordered at the bar drinks and then pulled back to a quiet, somewhat remote table.  
  
Absently, I sipped my cocktail, my thoughts were still on Lexa and MY SONG, while Raven and Octavia were enthusiastically talking about the concert.

"I would be interested in, whom Lexa meant with Skygirl." Came at some point the curious question of Octavia.  
  
And Raven nodded to her. "Must be a past love from here. I'm already curious."  
  
I tried not to participate in the conversation, did not try to listen. But the two of them could not know what the name Skygirl alone triggered in me.

 

**Flashback:**

 

It was on the second of May sixteen years ago and I still remember every detail. Lexa had been with me for learning for a biology work. She wore a tight dark jeans, a white shirt, and her beloved black leather jacket. Her long, brunette hair was over her right shoulder. And we both sat on my bed and leaned back against the wall.  
  
We had been learning for almost an hour when Lexa leaned back, stretched her back, yawned, and stretched her arms in the air. As she dropped them, her hand landed on mine. No idea, whether wanted or accidentally, because I really did not care. I turned my hand slowly under hers, so that both palms lay on each other and crossed my fingers with hers. To my surprise, she did not pull her hand away but strengthened the handle.  
  
Even today I can feel the tingling, the warmth, and the butterflies, which alone had triggered this holding of Lexa's hand inside me. Gently she began to stroke her thumbs over the back of my hand, and turned her head toward me. Our eyes met for a brief moment before I hastily turned my gaze.

At that moment, I did not know what was happening to me. Never before had I felt so. Never before had I been so agitated and inwardly excited. It was an unknown feeling which I could not assign.  
  
Gently, she put her other hand on my chin to turn my head back in her direction so that blue eyes could look deep into green again. She smiled at me and gently stroked a strand of hair from my face, stroking her fingers slightly over my face. My whole body tightened. My heart raced so much that I was afraid it might break out of my chest. I sat beside her.  
  
Lexa leaned slightly to me, looked at my lips, then again in my eyes, moistened her lips and whispered to me gently "Do not be afraid, Skygirl." At the Next moment I felt her warm soft lips on mine. I was not able to react, I was so surprised when she left me shortly after.

She looked at me and was about to say something when I put my hands on her neck like a reflex and pulled her slowly to me. We were looking deep into the eyes all the time. We came closer and closer until our lips met again. My body tingled, bubbling, and when Lexa returned the kiss and put her hands on my hips, every single cell exploded inside me.  
  
I felt her fingers dug into my skin and her thumbs slightly stroked my waist. I felt the desire within me that grew into the boundless and a low moan that left her lips. After a felt eternity, our lips parted breathless.  
  
My hands had not left her neck, hers were still on my hips, our eyes met and sank together and all I heard was a breathed "Clarke" which came over Lexa's lips. Just as she said my name made me tremble. Never before had I felt so much love in that one word, as I had with Lexa.  
  
Never again had kisses felt like those of Lexa. For no one had I ever developed such feelings as for her.

 

**Flashback End**

 

"Earth to Clarke!" Raven teased me from the thought. "Are you still there or are you already asleep?"  
  
"Hmm!" I replied absently. "I am still here."  
  
"Then you can also take part in our talks." Octavia grinned at me from the side.  
  
"Hmm. Can I. What's the matter? I did not listen." I replied, trying to sound at least interested.  
  
"What do you think who she meant? The song was more than a declaration of love." Raven looked curiously at me.

"How can I know that? I have not seen Lexa, like you, for almost fifteen years. The gossip will write in the next few days if you're interested." I shrugged, trying to look as ignorant as possible.  
  
And to divert attention, I added "Let's go dancing." and pulled the two already on the dance floor.  
  
It should be a long evening, but I also knew it would be a sleepless night.

 


	7. Sleepless

Clarke POV:

 

About half past five, Raven brought me home. We had danced all night and it was time to go to bed. I had to sleep, because six o'clock in the evening my twelve hour shift went off in the clinic. The dancing tonight I had managed to distract my thoughts for a while, but now I was alone.  
  
Alone with me and my thoughts. I breathed heavily. What happened last night at the concert? I simply could not arrange my feelings. I was too upset. Again and again I heard Lexa's voice in me singing "Love of my life" or saying "I still love you". And she had meant me when she said Skygirl. She had spoken of my eyes as blue as the sky, and only I had understood her. Tears streamed into my eyes. How should I sleep now?  
  
I would never have thought that it was still possible that Lexa felt anything for me. For fear of meeting her, I had not told to come to the class meeting. And now she had shown her love to all the people in the stadium. And I wanted nothing more than to close her in my arms, kiss her, feel her warmth. She just have with me.

The tears ran down my cheeks, a loud sobbing came over my lips as I realized that I would not see her tonight. I dropped onto my bed, pulled the blanket over my head and rolled myself together. I just had no strength to undress myself. My whole body shook with the convulsions, which rose within me. What had I just done?  
  
For two hours now I had been rolling sleeplessly from one side to the other. My arm lay on the empty side of my bed, the side that once belonged to Lexa.

 

**Flashback:**

 

I ran down the steps of our house as the bell rang at the door. My mother was working and I had storm-free all night. She would not be home until eight o'clock in the morning from her shift in the clinic.  
  
Lexa leaned casually in the doorway as I opened the door with joy.  
  
"Hey Skygirl!" She stepped inside, closed the door behind her, and pulled me close, just to unite our lips for a moment. "I have missed you so much."  
  
"You missed me too." I took her hand and pulled her toward the couch in the living room, where soft music ran. Her thumbs stroked my hand all the time. The warmth and security which alone caused this little touch in me was indescribable.

At the sofa, Lexa pulled me close. Her left hand had put to my waist, the other softly stroked a strand from my face. Our eyes met and sank into each other in seconds. Our faces grew almost unobserved, until the lips finally found each other again and met each other in a tender gentle kiss.  
  
I closed my arms around Lexa's waist and pulled her closer to me. I wanted to feel her proximity, her warmth. I wanted the butterflies that beat me violently with their wings. I intensified the kiss and noticed how Lexa completely dropped in this and returned him demanding.  
  
And without our lips leaving, she pulled me slowly to the sofa and looked me in the eye. On her lips I felt a slight smile as she grabbed the hem of my T-shirt and pulled it over my head without warning. For seconds, our lips parted, just to find each other again.

"Clarke, if it's too fast for you. Please let me know." I just shook my head, I wanted it so much, even if I had no idea what to expect. I had never been so close to anyone. My whole body trembled with excitement and desire. My heart struck me as Lexa breathed gentle kisses on my upper body.  
  
"You're so beautiful." she whispered against my body, which was now covered with goose bumps. Gently, she put her hands on the waistband of my jeans and looked me in the eye. I immediately understood what she was going to do, and led her hands to the buttons. Cleverly, she opened it and gently slid the pants down my legs. The skin so liberated she covered it with light bites and kisses.  
  
My heart now seemed to be no longer in my chest. My hands had thrown into her hair, the goose bumps grew into immeasurable when a low moan left my lips.

Lexa watched me closely. A delicate smile lay on her face, as she led her hands to the waist of my black panty, and began to pull it slowly with her fingers. Again she breathed gentle kisses on the freed skin. Kissed my most sensitive spots on my stomach and thighs.  
  
Slowly she approached with her kisses of my sensitive center. More and more desire rose in me. My body was bubbling as she dipped with her head between my legs and slowly began to circle my nerve bundles with the tongue. Immediately I reached out to her my basin and a quiet moaned "Lexa" left my lips.

The desire for salvation rose in immeasurably, as she penetrated me first and then with a second finger into me. My head fell back to the couch, my pelvis lifted and lowered faster, my hands clung ever more firmly in her hair when I finally found salvation. My whole body trembled with excitement as she lay down beside me and pulled me tightly into her arms. Her head buried in my hair, she whispered to me.  
  
"Clarke, I love you." My heart had so heavily at the time. That I thought it would not be able to handle it. I just could not believe. Lexa Woods loved me.

 

**Flashback End**

 

I was still looking at the empty side of my bed where my hand lay and slowly stroked the sheet. How did I manage to see Lexa? To tell her that I felt the same way she did. That I missed her so much.  
  
Without much thought, I got up and took my laptop. I should nevertheless find out in which hotel the Grounders had descended. And it did not take long until I found it. Hastily I jumped into the shower, then brushed my teeth and brewed a large cup of coffee, because without coffee I would not go today and the next night.  
  
No fifteen minutes later I sat in my Audi S8 and drove towards the Polis Grand Hotel. My heart raced, my fingers beat rhythmically on the steering wheel, my body trembled. I could not wait to arrive at the hotel.

The journey took about twenty minutes and the closer I got, the more nervous I was. Did I do the right thing? Already from a distance I could see the man's hoist in front of the entrance of the hotel, loud shrieking fans. I rolled my eyes. Should I stand there and wait for her to come out? Or should I try to get to the hotel?  
  
I parked my car a bit off and went towards the entrance. I tried to push myself through the masses, which I also succeeded with a lot of effort. At the entrance I was faced by a tall, heavily tattooed man of security. He looked down at me.  
  
I gathered all my courage and spoke to him.  
  
"Would you please let me through? I'd like to talk with Lexa." My heart beat against my chest, threatening to break out as a smile appeared on his face.

"What do you think the others want around you? Everyone wants to talk with the band or take a picture. If you do not belong to the band or the crew, you will not come in here." His face eclipsed again, but an arrogant smile remained.  
  
Tears shot into my eyes as I looked at him imploringly. But in answer, he just shook his head slightly and built himself even bigger before me. I had no choice but to push myself out of the crowd, because here I would not come to the hotel.  
  
Searching I went along the hotel, maybe there would be another entrance. But all I found were either locked or with security, which also did not let me through.

I run to my S8, sat down on the driver's seat of my car. Tears ran down my cheeks. My hands clipped the steering wheel so hard that the white of the knuckles emerged. In my mind, it worked on high-ways. I just had to see her. I had to go to her. Again and again I looked at the hotel, where Lexa was somewhere.  
  
Absently, I took my phone out of my pocket, a possibility still left me to go to the class meeting tonight. I chose Dr. Nyko's number in the directory. Actually he would have served as planned today. But I had persuaded him to change. After the third ring, he took off.

"Clarke, what a rare call." It was delighted of Nyko.  
  
"Hey Nyko, I have a big request to you." My heart tapped again to the neck. I had to keep my phone, since my hand was so trembling.  
  
"Tell me, what can I do for you," he answered, audibly surprised, for I never called him.  
  
And all my hopes I put into this one question. "Can you take over my shift tonight?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For ideas and nice reviews, I am always grateful to you.


	8. Class reunion

Lexa POV:

For hours, like a tiger in my cage, I'd run my hotel room up and down. I was just too nervous. The concert last night was great. The audience was great, but I had not seen Clarke. And I missed her. I could only hope that she had heard the song I had written for her years ago. Years ago when I realized that no matter what she had done, the love I felt for her would always endure, and would not weaken in the course of time.  
  
I had no desire to leave my room because everyone from the team had asked me about the concert, who was Skygirl. It got on my nerves. Even with the thought of it, I rolled my eyes again. Clarke would know that I had meant her and only that counted for me. Clarke, alone at the thought of her, my heart beat faster and a smile passed through my face.

Absently, I watched through the closed curtain of my room, the fans seemed to rise their number from hour to hour. In my hand I held a half-glass of vodka. I felt so imprisoned, so alone. As I looked out of the corner of my eye, a blonde woman went to her car. My heart was beating faster. Could it be Clarke? Turn around Clarke, I wanted to call her, but the windows of my room did not open.  
  
She got into her car, seemed to wipe a tear from her face, stared for a while, telephoned briefly, then drove away very quickly. I had only seen her from behind, but I did not want anything more than Clarke. She wanted to visit me, just the thought of it, let my heart beat into my throat. I still looked at the white car, although it had been out of my sight for minutes.

***

At about six pm a car with tinted windows pulled us at the back of the hotel. There were no annoying fans to see. But the mood in the car was really bad. Anya and Costia still did not understand why they should be heading for the class, but our management had persuaded them. "This testifies to a certain degree of solidity. Call it back to the roots." They had told them and the two had finally agreed.  
  
I was so excited. I could hardly think clearly. How would Clarke look like? How would she react to me? What had happened to her in recent years? I had so many questions I wanted to ask her.  
  
After a ten minute drive, where we did not speak a word, we reached the small restaurant on the outskirts of the city. We were a bit late, but we really did not care. We had never really had any close contact with anyone from the class. And if Clarke were not, I would not be here either.

As we entered the room, everyone stared at us. Well, I had not actually expected something else, because it was always the same. No matter where we appeared. At first Monty approached us, greeted us with a hug, and begged us. My eyes wandered searchingly through the room. They were looking for only one person. Clarke! Where was she? My heart pounded faster and faster. But I could not find her anywhere.  
  
All the others now came to us. Asked us a hundred questions about our career. Wanted to have autographs and tens of photos of us. However, I was absent. I was still looking for blue eyes, but Clarke was not there. I was talking the whole evening with the one or the other, ate from the really rich buffet, and even Anya and Costia seemed to be amusing. They were in the center and they loved it.

Gradually, my former classmates spread out on the tables and deepened in stories from the school days and about their development over the past fifteen years. My bandmates were in the middle of the party. At least they seemed to really enjoy this place.  
  
I was sitting half an hour alone on the bar and enjoyed a vodka after the other. No idea how many, but my head was still clear when Raven appeared next to me.  
  
She looked at me from top to bottom and smiled slightly.  
  
"Hey Lexa, nice to see you here. I did not think you would ever came back to TonDC."

"Reyes, what do you want from me? A photo? An autograph like everyone else here?" I was really annoyed, because Clarke had not come.  
  
"Actually, I just wanted to tell you that I found the show yesterday mega great. The people are really totally gone. And I did not know you could sing so well." Raven grinned.  
  
"You were there?" I was surprised. We had never had a good relationship with each other since Anya avoided her because of her friendship with Clarke. And I never thought Raven heard our music, she was not really the type for that kind of music.

"Yes, with Octavia and Clarke. We were standing further back, but it was really good. A band rarely gets lost here. And if someone of your rank ever comes, you have to go." That aroused my attention. Clarke had been to the show. A short, imperceptible smile covered my face.  
  
"Clarke, where is she actually? She's the only one missing when I see it right." I tried to ask curiously, without giving too much of myself.  
  
"She did not want to come. She'd rather go to work." No! No! No! In me everything screamed. That means she had no feelings for me anymore. She did not want to see me. She did not want to speak to me. She must have known that we are coming to the class reunion.

"But ... but can it be that I've seen her today." I was just too curious and did not want to give up yet. She must have been the blond woman. I wanted to know.  
  
"I hardly believe that. We were in the Dropship the whole night, and as I know her, she slept all day." Raven smiled at me and I saw that she also looked pretty ready.  
  
"Reyes, can you tell me ..." at this moment, Octavia appeared next to us and hung up at Raven.

"Where do you stay with the drinks? I'm thirsty." Raven looked at me apologetically and pulled Octavia back to her table with the two new drinks. Octavia would not have been able to stand any longer. She had drunk too much.  
  
So I stared again at my empty glass in front of me. She had been there. She had heard the song. But she was not here. She'd rather go to work. Every cell of my body contracted. I felt tears rise in me, which I tried convulsively to swallow. My hand clasped the glass in front of me. I had to be careful not to crush it.  
  
I ordered a new glass, which I left on ex. I had put all my hopes on this one evening, and she had destroyed all of them. Clarke did not want to come. My heart broke. Slowly I got up and went towards the toilets. Again and again someone wanted to take a picture with me. Patiently, I let go of it, but no smile came over my lips.

After a felt eternity I reached the toilet. I was alone. Stand in front of the mirror and looked into my sad, angry face. A face that only seemed too familiar to me. I just stood there. I needed the peace I found in this room to arrange my thoughts and feelings. I breathed heavily and let my hands slide slowly into the pants pockets.  
  
I felt a small bag in it. A bag, the contents of which often gave me inner peace. I took it out of my pocket and found that there were still a few pills in it. Without thinking I threw them all in.

 


	9. Emergency room

Clarke POV:

 

Slowly I had put the phone out of my trembling hand. Nyko, whom I had almost begged to change the shift with me, went to the opera tonight with his wife. He was so grateful to me, but I ... I could not think further. I started my car and drove off with the tires turning.  
  
After twenty minutes I was back home. I pondered all the time who I could ask, but I could not think of anyone. Many of my older colleagues had gone away over the weekend to avoid the hustle and bustle of the city, because of the concert.

I went to my kitchen to brew a big cup of coffee and took some fruit before I then settled on my couch. Breathing heavily, I dropped my head on the back and pulled my legs to my body. For the last three weeks, I had resisted the class reunion, and now I could not.  
  
I felt the lump in my throat, which was getting bigger and bigger. Tears that rose in me. I had to control myself. In more than an hour I had to go to the nightshift and I did not want to appear pale.  
  
So I closed my eyes and thought back to yesterday's evening. Lexa had stood so close to me, she looked so incredibly beautiful and happy. She was ...

The ringing of my phone interrupted my thoughts.  
  
"Raven!" I greeted the caller. I tried to sound good-humored.  
  
"Hey Clarke. Just wanted to tell you how bad I find it that you do not come today. I'm really looking forward to the Grounders." She was so excited again. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.  
  
"I know Rae, you've told me so often in the last few weeks." And I'd like to come along, I thought for myself and breathed deeply.

"Everything ok Clarke?" I had probably breathed too heavily.  
  
"Yes, I'm just tired, was probably a little too long yesterday. And we're not even twenty." I tried to make it a joke, and I could hear Raven laughing. "Rae, I wish you a lot of fun tonight. Enjoy the evening. You can tell me everything tomorrow. I have to go soon. So do it well."  
  
"Yes until tomorrow. And not so much stress tonight." she replied and hung up.  
  
Raven would see Lexa and I would not. And I myself was to blame.

 

***

 

At six pm my shift began in the emergency room, whose waiting room was still well filled. Next to me, I had only Dr. Jackson and two assistants in the second year. And as I saw it, we had a lot to do for the next few hours. Nothing to lie down with and sleep a few minutes. But so I was at least distracted and would not have to constantly think of Lexa.  
  
Around ten the waiting room had emptied and we moved back into the waiting room. I dropped onto the sofa and thanked Jackson for the cup of coffee he handed me. I leaned back and closed my eyes. I was so tired. But the beeper brought us back to the present.  
  
On the highway there had been an accident and now three injured were on the way to us. So we headed to the entrance of the emergency room to receive the hospital car. The patients arrived almost at the same time. I got a brief overview and then distributed the two more easily injured men to the assistants and took Jackson into the treatment room three to examine the unconscious woman.

After the initial treatment and stabilization of her injuries, we brought her into the operating theater. Almost four hours later, we had all taken care of her injuries and Jackson began to sew her operations wounds when the phone rang on the wall and the nurse went to the surgery.  
  
"Dr. Griffin. It is the emergency room. They need a doctor downstairs and ask if anyone could come down from them." I looked briefly at Jackson.  
  
"Jackson you're going to sew her on when there are problems calling me. I'll go down." He nodded at me and I stepped back from the table. Eliminated me of my gloves and the surgical gown and made me on the way.

I entered the elevator and leaned back against the back wall. I was so tired and the stress that night seemed to be no end. Shortly I closed my eyes. Actually, I would need another cup of coffee and a short break. The lack of sleep last night was already noticeable in me.  
  
With a ping, the door of the elevator opened when I arrived at the emergency room. I opened my eyes and ran to the acceptance where Harper, the high-ranking nurse, was already expecting me.  
  
"Dr. Griffin you are expected to be in treatment room one. Looks like an overdose." I groaned.  
  
"This can do an assistant doctor." They call me out of the surgery for that, I shook my head.

"Sorry, they're all still busy." I rolled my eyes and made my way to the treatment room. As I turned around the corner, it suddenly changed my mind. In front of the room at the other end of the corridor were Anya, Costia, and a dark-skinned woman.  
  
Instantly I accelerated my step. I almost ran. My heart was pounding ever faster. I felt panic. I felt sick. Anya looked at me darkly as I opened the swing door to the treatment room,  
  
my heart stopped.  
  
**Lexa!**  
  
**Lifeless.**

 


	10. Emergency

Clarke POV:

 

NO! LEXA! NO! Everything screamed inside me. For a moment, I tried to breath. I could not be distracted by my feelings. I had to help her. Her, the true love of my life.  
  
I hurried to the bed where the paramedics and Raven were standing.  
  
"Raven! What happened?" I asked my friend, while I checked Lexa's values on the monitor. Her heart was racing too fast. The blood pressure was much too high.  
  
"I can not tell you exactly. Anya found her unconscious in the washroom. But I know she had drunk a lot of alcohol."

"Raven please wait outside. You're also drunk, you can not help here." I shouted at her as I sent her out.  


"Clarke?" she looked confuses.

"GO OUT!" I screamed at my friend and then ignored her.

I leaned over Lexa and put my hand on her forehead. She glowed rightly. And the drug test that the paramedic just carried out confirmed my guess, too often I had read in the magazines of her alcohol and drug problems. I could not waste any time.  
  
"We bring her to the surgery. Immediately!" I cried to the medic. He looked at me puzzled, but nodded and pushed the bed out of the room. I ran after her as Anya grabbed my arm. 

"How is she, Griffin?" My jaw tightened. I had to pull myself together so much, not to shout at her. How could she allow anything like that?  
  
"She'll have to fight." I had to stay strong, tried not to cry, and I ripped off to follow Lexa hastily. Her bed was already pushed into the elevator. I entered this behind her.  
  
Now I was alone with her and two paramedics. Gently I took her hand and stroked her hand with her thumb. "Stay strong Lexa. Everything will be all right." And I asked the medic to get cold infusions and cold blankets. I had to lower the body temperature.

A few moments later we reached the floor with the operation rooms. I let go of Lexa's hand, which was already pushed into the OR. Jackson came to me, he had just finished the previous operation.  
  
"Can you help me, Jackson?" I was glad I had met him, because I had no idea if I was now alone able to help Lexa. I felt that incredible energy in me, but I could also break down every second.  
  
He immediately followed me to the surgery. The medic also came in with the cooling blankets, which we immediately grabbed at Lexa.

"Jackson, we'll pump her stomach, if there are any pills left in her stomach, they'll kill her." I tried to keep my mouth open, not to let anything down, but inwardly I was more than finished. My heart was racing, my body was trembling with fear. The fear of losing Lexa. What was she thinking about?  
  
Jackson just nodded at me and began to make the necessary preparations. I knew all this I could have done in the emergency room, but there I would have collapsed under the observation of Anya and Costia. Here in the operating room we were only few and no one asked questions or watched me.  
  
I left Jackson pumping out the stomach as I applied the cooling infusions. It was only slowly that her body temperature dropped. It would still take hours before she was out of danger until her temperature fell below the critical level.

"Clarke!" I heard Jackson say next to me "You were right, there were still lots of pills in the stomach. They definitely would have killed her." I bit my cheeks around my sobs and the tears that rose in me. Why Lexa? Why? And then it occurred to me. It was up to me. I was to blame. I had not been there. She loved me, that I knew now and probably she needed me. And I was not there. Though I loved her, as always.  
  
"Clarke? Did you listen to me?"  
  
"Sorry Jackson. I was just absent with my thoughts. "I tried not to sound desperate, but I could not suppress the feeling in me. 

"Clarke, we should take her to the intensive care unit now. They have to monitor that the temperature drops further. It will take almost two hours, if she is lucky. And you go home, you look really bad all night. You should sleep sometime!" Sleep was something I could not think of at all. I breathed deeply in and out.  
  
"OK, we take her to the intensive care unit." I finally agreed to Jackson. The medics lifted Lexa onto a bed, Jackson and I wrapped them back with the cooling blankets before she was pushed out of the surgery.  
  
"Clarke! Is everything really okay with you? You look really worn out." I forced my lips to a slight smile and nodded to Jackson, I could not speak. And then followed Lexa to the intensive care unit.

There I saw, how Monroe, who was working here as a nurse, just joined Lexa's electrodes for surveillance. When she saw me, she looked up briefly. And only said "So famous and throws her life away, yet she has it all." I said nothing, because I knew better.  
  
"Monroe, you can go. I'm taking care of Ms Woods." She looked at me incredulously, because that was clearly nurses' work.  
  
"Monroe, please!" I looked at her and she disappeared without losing a word.

I pulled the curtain in front of the bed, protecting Lexa from the prying eyes, nurses, medics and doctors. And I was finally alone with her. At last I could let my tears run free as I joined the last electrodes, pulled a chair to the bed, and reached for her hand.  
  
I gently circling my thumbs on her back of her hand. She still glowed.  
  
"What are you doing Lexa? I need you." I whispered to her very softly so that no one could hear except her. But she was still unconscious, so no reaction came.

For a little more than two hours, I sat there, looking at her, holding her hand, but not saying a word. The temperature had now fallen below the critical value, her heartbeat and her blood pressure also fell. I was so happy that she had not suffered seizures and the often connected complete circulation collapse.  
  
And because she, with the medication she had received, would still sleep a little, I decided to go to Anya and Costia. They were Lexa's next family, and it was my duty to speak with them.  
  
I gave Lexa a short kiss on the forehead and then went to the waiting area on the ground floor. Where I already met Harper with a clipboard under her arm.

"Dr. Griffin I still need a few signatures, because of the car crash tonight." I was almost grateful to her that I could push the encounter with Anya and Costia a little bit in front of me. But I had to deal with them and so I entered the small room shortly thereafter.   
  
I was glad that there were only four people waiting. Anya and Costia looked at me as grim as the dark-skinned woman I had seen with them before. And to my great relief, Raven was still sitting in the waiting room.  
  
"Griffin, how's Lexa?" Anya asked me without a big grudge. I could see in her eyes that she still hated me.

"At the moment she is stable. We could prevent a complete circulatory collapse. Lexa is sleeping now, but when she wakes up, she will not be doing well. She just had too much alcohol and drugs in her blood. It will take a while for her body to recover." I tried to remain as factual as possible.  
  
"Can we go to her?" Costia asked me softly.  
  
"Sorry not before tomorrow afternoon. She needs a lot of rest. I'll tell you when you can go to Lexa." I just wanted to be alone with her when she wakes up and suffers. I wanted to be there for Lexa.  
  
"We have a show in New York on Thursday, until then, hopefully, she is all right." I heard the dark-skinned woman now say through her teeth.

I shook my head "No, not at all. Lexa will remain here for further observation. We carry out a detoxification."  
  
"Come on Griffin, it's not the first time that Lexa has a bad day because of alcohol and drugs. She'll be fit again by Thursday." Anya said.  
  
"No, she stays here. And that is a medical order. I do not tolerate any contradiction." I replied her harshly.  
  
"As if Lexa is listening to you. Lexa does not listen to anyone."

"She will listen to me. You can be sure of that." I said resolutely, turning to go. I had no more desire for the senseless discussions here. I wanted to go back to Lexa as soon as possible.  
  
"Griffin, Lexa does not listen to anyone, except maybe ..." she paused. "OH MY GOD ... GRIFFIN! ... You ... You're Skygirl." I could hear the shock in her voice.  
  
In a moment I reached for the doorway to support myself, it was as if all dams were breaking inside me. My hand clasped the frame properly. Tears streamed into my eyes, I gasped for breath before I left the room, without turning around.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your reviews, kudos, booksmarks and subscribtions. For suggestions and ideas, I am grateful to you.
> 
> And all of you a nice quiet weekend.


	11. Confessions

Clarke POV:

 

I ran to the elevator. Let the tears run free. My whole body trembled as I reached the elevator, the doors of which had just been opened. I got in, hitting the button for the floor with the intensive care unit and was grateful that the doors closed quickly. Raven had followed me and all I heard was my name, which she called behind me.  
  
I could not turn around. I could not see Raven's face. It was too much for me. Too many tears ran down my face. I put my hands in my hips. I had to stay strong. For her.  
  
A few minutes later, I was back at Lexa. I breathed another kiss on her forehead, wiping my tears from her face and reaching for her hand. I just wanted to be with her, to help her during those hours. My tiredness in the last few hours was no longer there.

It took a long time for Raven to step behind me.

  
  
"Here you are, I could have actually thought as fast as you ran away." Raven sounded worried and put her hands on my shoulders.  
  
"Clarke?"  
  
"Hmm."  
  
"Is Anya right, are you really Skygirl?" I nodded slightly. If I had said something, it would only have been a sob.  
  
"Clarke, why did not you ever tell me something? I did not know you were so close to Lexa. I always thought you hated her."

"Rae!" I began with a trembling voice. "That's all my fault."  
  
"No, Clarke how can that be your fault?"  
  
"You know, I did not want to be to the class reunion because I was afraid to see Lexa again. And after the concert, after which she had so openly shared her love, I tried everything to meet Lexa. I had been at her hotel yesterday, but Security turned me off. I tried to change my shift again, but ..." My voice broke as a loud sob came over my lips.

  
  
Raven pulled me into her arms and held me for a while.  
  
"Clarke, I can not believe you and Lexa ..." she continued softly.

"Rae, I think I loved Lexa at first glance in her eyes. Right on the first day." I began to say softly. "I know it sounds funny, because Anya, her best friend, had chosen me as an enemy. But we became friends with the time.

 

I helped her with the homework and Lexa protected me from Anya. We got closer and closer. We fell in love. Lexa was my first real kiss, she was my first time and never again did I feel as much for someone as for her. Never again have I loved someone like her. Lexa was always in my heart. All the years." I tightened the handle around Lexa's hand and stroked it tenderly.  
  
"And why have not you been together now? Why were you afraid to see her again?" In Raven's eyes I could see the curiosity.  
  
"Because I was to blame. Just as I am now."

"What happened?" Slowly I breathed in and out. Maybe it was good to finally trust someone. So I began to tell slowly and almost tonelessly. I still remember the memories of that day. They still hurts.  
  
"Do you remember the party at Monty shortly after our graduation." Raven nodded to me, slightly grinning.  
  
"Sure, how could I forget that. Then Finn took you aw..." Her eyes soon fell out of her head and her hands hit her on her mouth.  
  
I just ignored Raven and continued. My voice slowly grew stronger.

"Lexa was then with the band on a short tour in the area. She should not come back the next day, but she could not wait to see me. She wanted to surprise me and she did. She really did. She caught me with Finn in bed. She was so furious with rage. I ran after her, but she did not listen to me. The last thing she said to me before she slammed her front door in front of my nose was 'We're done Griffin. I never want to see you again.' and we have never seen each other since." Every single word, still hurts as much as fifteen years ago. Even though I was drunk then. I had deceived her. And this apologized nothing.  
  
"Clarke!" Raven looked at me in shock. "If I had known, I would never have presented him to you." Tears had formed in her eyes. "I am so sorry."  
  
I just shook my head and continued talking.

"I tried to call her. But she did not answer the phone and somehow she had changed her number. Lexa was very proud and damn stubborn. And I hurt her. Something I can not forgive myself to this day. I only had her music and her lyrics to be close to Lexa. How often had I wanted them to act from me?" Slowly I led Lexa's hand to my lips and breathed a tender kiss on it.  
  
Raven, I thought, speechless, she'd been sitting next to me for a while. I could see how her lips moved from time to time, but a sound never left her mouth. At some point, however, she seemed to have caught herself and continued.  
  
"Clarke! Go home and take a rest. The doctors here take care of Lexa. And if there's anything new, I'll let you know. My shift starts right now and you have been working for hours." Now she sounded like my mom.

"No, Rae, I can not go home. I have twice disappointed Lexa, again this will not happen. I want to be with her when she wakes up." I wanted to be the first and only thing she sees. I wanted to be with her, the next hours and days would be hard enough for Lexa.  
  
"When did you last sleep? She will not recognize you, just as you look." Her hand brushed lightly over my back.  
  
"Please, I'm not moving here. I'll stay with her."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I'm grateful to you for feedback. I also wish you nice and especially peaceful christmas holidays.


	12. Awakening

Clarke POV:

 

Raven had walked about two hours ago, but regularly looked at me and Lexa, bringing me coffee and something to eat. She still did not feel well that I had not gone home. I looked at her clearly, but she said nothing. She knew I would ignore it anyway.  
  
It was meanwhile after noon, when I began feeling tired again. I crossed my arms on Lexa's bedside, taking care that my hand was on hers and put my head on my arms. The position was not comfortable, but I would not leave the room and chair before Lexa woke up. Only seconds later I was asleep.

 

***

 

I was instantly awake when I felt Lexa's hand pull away under my hand. Instantly I sat up and looked into the deep green eyes that I had so missed. After which I had longed for the last few years so much. A smile lay on my face. At last she was awake.  
  
"Lexa!" came softly over my lips. She looked at me questioningly. I could see how it worked in her head.  
  
"Lexa, it's me, Clarke." Her eyes did not change before she turned her head and turned away from me. She was now looking rigidly at the window front by her bed, and with every second that passed, her facial expression became darker, her body tense.

I tried again to take her hand, but she immediately pulled her back. Didn´t she know who I was or didn´t she want to know? Wasn´t she going to have anything to do with me?  
  
"Lexa?" She did not respond to me. Her eyes remained cold and turned away from me. Her brow was wrinkled. My stomach contracted. An icy chill ran down my spine. I did not know what I should feel. I had been looking forward to it, but now. I did not expect this reaction.  
  
"What do you want here, Griffin?" Came it after a felt infinity over her lips. Her voice was as cold as her eyes. Again, a shiver ran down my spine. So I had not imagined our reunion. Where was the Lexa who had said "I still love you!"? I just could not believe it. Was that the same person?

"Lexa, I ..." I swallowed hard. I could not suppress my feelings, the tears no longer restrained. My body trembled uncontrollably. My fingers clawed in Lexa's sheets. What should I tell her? After several minutes in an uncomfortable silence I continued.  
  
"Lexa, I'm sorry. For real! ... I know ... I made a big mistake ... but I can not change that now unfortunately. It ... I'm ... really ... so infinite ... sorry." I barely put the last words over my lips. Too much my voice was interrupted by my sobbing.  
  
But I knew it was time to apologize for my deeds, then she had not listened to me. Now she could not run away. Now she was tied to the machines next to her bed. Now she just had to listen to me and maybe my words would reach her.

Lexa turned her head slowly toward me. Her icy green eyes could have killed me at that moment.  
  
"Griffin, when I told you, I never want to see you again, I meant that or is there something you don´t understand?" Each of these words felt like a stab in my heart, and I probably deserved every single word. I had disappointed Lexa more than once. I was just speechless. Shocked.

Slowly I rose from my chair. I had to get out of here, I would not get any air in here. My chest felt tighter. I could not stay here. Without saying another word to Lexa, I ran out of the room. I ran out of the intensive care unit, past Monroe, who looked at me in horror, past Raven, who tried to stop me.  
  
Raven's hand lay on my back.  
  
"Clarke!" She looked at me in horror.

 

***

 

"Clarke!" Again I heard Raven call my name. I could feel a hand on my shoulder and shake it slightly.  
  
"Shhh, wake up!" Raven's voice took me back to the here and now. It took me a moment to sort my thoughts. It was just a dream, just a dream.  
  
I breathed a sigh of relief. Slowly I straightened out of my uncomfortable sleeping position, stretched my aching back and looked directly into Lexa's green amazed eyes.

"Clarke!" I could hear the surprise in her voice. To hear my name whispered from her mouth triggered unimagined feelings in me. I tightened the handle around her hand and she did the same to me. Immediately my pulse increased, my heartbeat and sleepy butterflies came to life.  
  
"Lexa!" I shook my head slightly, the dream had confused me. Tears of joy ran down my cheeks. The smile in my face grew suddenly. She was not angry with me, at least nothing suggested.  
  
"Clarke, you're here!" A slight smile lay in Lexa's face, as I felt her thumb begin to stroke my back. "I expected you the least ."

I could not say anything. I was caught in her green eyes. Trapped right now and I could hardly have been happier. She had not sent me away. Lexa had recognized me and she smiled. She did all that she had not done in my dream, all that I had wanted so much.  
  
"Clarke!" I heard Raven say behind me. "I'll leave you two alone. I'll tell Anya that Lexa is awake."  
  
I nodded her thanks, before she left the room and I could turn to Lexa again. At last she was awake and we were alone. There was a lot we had to talk about, but once I just held her hand and enjoyed the strokes of her thumb that I loved and missed so much.

 


	13. WE MEET AGAIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish you all a healthy and happy new year.

Lexa POV:

 

It was only with difficulty that I got my eyes open, which I immediately closed again. The brightness of the room dazzled me. I felt as if everything was going on. I felt sick. My stomach was cramping. Where was I? What happened?  
  
So slowly it occurred to me again. I had been at the class reunion, Clarke was not there and then there was a lot of alcohol and these damn pills. I moaned softly, pressing my head back into the pillow. The beep of the monitor next to me said very clearly that I had landed in the clinic. How embarrassing, once again, I had not had a grip on myself.  
  
And something else I felt, someone holding my hand. Over time, I got used to the light and looked down at me. Someone slept restlessly on my bedside. I recognized long blond hair, the face was turned away from me, but I felt the warmth that came from the hand and gave me a feeling of secureness.

Again and again I felt the hand strengthen her grip. And then I heard her whisper in the dream. The voice sounded frightened.  
  
"Lexa! I'm so sorry." I could not understand more, but I recognized the voice. The voice that meant everything to me. Clarke! It got warm around my heart. She was here. She was sitting at my bed. I felt my heartbeat down to my throat. Clarke was here. Here with me.  
  
Satisfied, I leaned back and closed my eyes, but I opened only a moment later when Raven entered the room in the doctor's gown. I looked at her more than surprised. But she just nodded at me and put her hand on Clarke´s shoulder and shook it slightly.

"Clarke!" Raven also seemed to feel her unrest.  
  
"Shhh, wake up!" Slowly came movement in Clarke's body. She sat up, stretched. I watched every single movement. Her hair hung on her face, slightly disheveled, and I would have liked to brush it behind her ear. But at that moment our eyes met. I had the feeling of sinking into this deep blue, just as I had always felt fifteen years ago.  
  
"Clarke!" I could not get more than a whisper. On the one hand, because my mouth was completely dry and on the other because my feelings overwhelmed me completely. How long had I longed for her and now she was here. She tightened the handle around my hand and instantly I felt as much warmth rise in me. Lightning flashed my body.  
  
"Lexa!" She looked at me incredulously smiling. Shook her head as tears began to run over her cheeks. I could barely suppress my urge to kiss Clarke's tears from his face. But I had to control myself. Fifteen years were a long time. I did not know anything about Clarke, except that she was here now.

"Clarke, you're here!" A slight smile grew in my face as I began stroking her back of her hand with my thumb. I knew how much she had always loved it. "I would have expected you the least." And so it was, after Clarke had not appeared at the class meeting, I had not ever thought I'd ever see her again.  
  
Raven said good-bye to Clarke, but I only saw it at the edge. I only had eyes for the blonde who was sitting at my bed. I do not know how long we were smiling and looking into each other's eyes, but all that made my nausea completely disappear from my thoughts.  
  
At some point Clarke took the floor.  
  
"How do you feel?" Her gaze was worried even when she tried to hide it. A look in her eyes and I could read Clarke like a book. This had always been the case and nothing had changed.

What should I answer her? I was so sick, but I was happy because she was sitting on my bed. I was happy because she was here with me and seemed to care about me. So I just answered briefly with "Quite ok."  
  
"Lexa, I'm sorry. Everything, but do not fucking that ever again." She seemed almost a bit angry, but she was right.  
  
"I'm sorry. I just wanted to cheer myself a little, not that you think I wanted to kill myself. Even if it probably looked like this." I did not know if she understood it, but suicide had never been a solution for me, even if I was so desperate.  
  
"Do you really know what a shock it was to me when you landed in the emergency room on my table? Can you imagine how I felt?" She whispered the words barely audibly. It really seemed to her.

"You helped me?" Clarke nodded slightly, and I saw her clearly trying to suppress tears.  
  
"Well, I was on duty, and since everyone else was busy ..." She stopped speaking, I could hardly hear any word. I felt sorry for her. In my life, I had built a lot of crap, but this is the one I think is the coronation. I wanted to hurt her the least. So I tried to calm her down.  
  
"Clarke, everything's fine. Do not worry, I'll go over it." I took her hand, which I still held and led her to my lips. I gently breathed a kiss on her before I continued softly.  
  
"I did not know you were working as a doctor here. Then I would have rather visited you, without drama." I smiled at her apologizing. "But as I heard, you were at our concert. I hope you liked it." Clarke immediately looked down to hide the distinctly reddish coloration in her face.

"You sang for me. You have turned my world upside down. Lexa!" She was so embarrassed now. "After the concert," she continued, "I wanted to come to your hotel, I wanted to talk to you, but ... the security ... did not let me through." I smiled. It made me so happy to hear these words.  
  
"Can it be that I've seen you? White showy car?" Clarke still nodded embarrassed. "I promise you, you should ever show up before our hotel, no one will refuse you if you want to come to me. But tell me how it has been for you in recent years. Are you happy?" I was just curious if she was in firm hands.

For who could not love this woman, who had become more beautiful over the years. I could not imagine she wasn´t in any fixed relationship.

 


	14. HISTORY

**Clarke POV:**

Slowly I looked up again. The redness in my face I could not hide anyway.  
  
"You've seen me?" I was more than surprised.  
  
"Well, I had seen someone blond and I wanted it to be you. But before I could react, you were gone. But tell me, what did you do for the last few years?" Lexa was so curious and I was totally exhausted.  
  
"Umm! Where should I start?" I pushed around because I really did not know where to start and what Lexa would be interested in.  
  
"Best at the beginning." Lexa grinned at me now. In the beginning, that meant for me many painful memories. I tried not to swallow too hard and to suppress my nervousness.

"Well, what can I say, after I had done this stupidity with Finn and you had left me, a world collapsed for me. I wanted to crawl, descend, simply disappear. I wanted to leave everything behind me and so I traveled alone without knowing a destination. I had to clear my head, forget the pain, but it was just replaced by something new."  
  
I looked at Lexa, that for her too the memories of that time were still painful. My stomach contracted. Both of us were not well with the memory of my mistake, but she listened quietly.  
  
"I was on the road for six months, I was in Rome, when my dad died at a car accident. And to help my mom, I dropped everything and came back home. You know how close we were to everyone, it just made me ready and done. Also my mom was no different, the whole memories in the house and so. So she took the first job she could get in another city and so we moved to LA. She became a doctor and I studied at UCLA medicine."

i took a short break, I just missed my dad. He had been my closest confidant. He was the only one who had known my feelings for Lexa.  
  
"I am so sorry. If only I had been there for you." Lexa ran a tear over her cheek and her grip around my hand tightened. "But now I understand why you were not there. Why your house was abandoned." I looked at Lexa questioningly. And she went on without waiting for my interrogation. "Well, I was just a year after the evening here in TonDC. I wanted to talk to you, I know I had not given you a chance at that time, but your house was empty. "  
  
"You were at our old home?" I was stunned, Lexa had wanted to talk to me and I was no longer here. So we could have spoken out half an eternity ago. Everything inside me drew together, while Lexa nodded sadly.  
  
It took me a while to gather around me and continue with my story.

"I studied in LA and got to the clinic where my mom is still working, as an assistant and started to work. I thought I had achieved everything I wanted, but I was not really happy in LA, unlike my mom, who got to know someone and got married again. Our relationship, which has been close to it, suffered greatly. "  
  
I groaned slightly annoyed, because the new husband of my mom I could not suffer at all. Maybe it was just because I had never given him a real chance. The thought that my mother replaced my father so quickly overwhelmed me so painfully.  
  
"One day, Raven, who worked as an assistant doctor in orthopedics, called me, that there was a free assistant in TonDC. And since I longed for my old home, I applied and was taken. So I've been here for four years now and for almost two years as a senior physician in the emergency room." 

"I'm so proud of you, Clarke! You went your way." Lexa sat up slowly. I could see that she was not doing well, but she would not admit it anyway. Show weakness has never been her thing, why should it have changed in recent years. She always gave herself as the strong and unapproachable person. Only few people knew she could be quite different. And I counted among those who had experienced her differently.  
  
"Clarke!" Lexa continued. "Have there been any close relationships in your life? You can not have gone through the world alone for the last fifteen years." I clearly saw the question marks in her face. She was curious and asked the question I was so afraid of, and to make some more time, I asked the counter question.  
  
"What about you? Are the news about you that I read in the magazines right?" The newspapers were full of the lewd lifestyle of the Lexa Woods. Sex, Drugs and Rock'n Roll. Lexa grinned at me broadly. 

"Do not believe everything you read. Part of this is true. Yes, I had many one night stands, I had too much alcohol and drugs in my life, but by far not as many as ever written in the magazines. And no, I am in no fixed relationship. I have not endured it with anyone for more than two weeks. Everyone I've compared to you, but no one could even be like you. And our unsteady life on tour and so did not make any long-term possible."  
  
Lexa took a deep breath and looked deeply into my eyes again. What did she do to me? Nothing had changed. Still, I lost myself hopelessly in the deep green. But her eyes sparked indescribable tingling in me, causing butterflies to beat with their wings.  
  
"Clarke, you did not answer my question. A counter-question is not an answer." I gritted my teeth and took a deep breath. It was time for the hour of truth.

"Well, I've had something loose now and then, nothing serious."  
  
"Finn?" I shook my head.  
  
"No, I have not seen him since my slip-up. I had short relationships with men and women every now and then. But then Octavia introduced me to her brother Bellamy just about three years ago. We fell in love and married only four months later "  
  
Now Lexa looked at me shocked and let go of my hand.  
  
"You're married?"

"Yes, somehow. But I have not seen Bellamy for almost a year. We had realized at some point that we were too different, that we had married too rashly. And Bell meant to lead a marriage to third, since I always annoyed him with your music." I took a deep breath. "Only I could not tell him that I was not interested in the music. I was only in you. I thought I would never see you again. But when we have time, we have to go through the divorce. The year of separation we have already managed. And now I have a reason for it." A tear rolled slowly over my cheek.   
  
I had not noticed that Lexa had laid her hand on my neck and now she looked deeply into my eyes.  
  
"You still feel something for me?" A surprised, but happy smile lay in her face. I could not help but smile back and nod at her. Slowly she pulled me closer to her, I put my hand on her waist. Our lips approached inexorably. I could feel her warmth, hear her heartbeat. At last I would touch her soft lips again. Re-experience the feeling that I had longed for so many years.  
  
"Lexa" called Anya evil, who had entered the room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would love some feedback, leave a comment!


	15. STAY

Clarke POV:

 

Frightened, Lexa´s eyes left me and looked at Anya angrily.  
  
"Anya!" She whispered. But Anya looked equally dark.  
  
"Does this belong to the treatment or is it normal for doctors to try to kiss their patients?" Anya's eyes were freezing, which gave me a shiver.  
  
"Anya stop that, I've tried to kiss Clarke and not turn around. Even if you do not mind, I can kiss who I want and you have nothing to say to me." Lexa was sour, very sour. I watched her clearly as she tried to pull herself together and not to scream.  
  
"But I did. You have to be fit on Thursday. You know how important the promotion show in New York is and what it means if we do not occur." Lexa closed her eyes and tried to collect herself.

"Yes Anya, that is known to me, but until then we have still a few days time. Today is only Sunday."  
  
I looked back and forth between the two. Should I interfere? Yes, I should absolutely. I cleared my throat slightly to get the attention of the two. Lexa grabbed my hand and looked at me encouragingly.  
  
"Lexa, you should not go anywhere. I think it's better if you stay here. You have to detoxify and afterwards you should be treated in a drug clinic. Otherwise the alcohol and the drugs could kill you next time. And I can not allow that in any way. ... It would be my ... "  
  
I had to swallow hard. I did not want to lose Lexa again, I just could not think of that. I wanted to have her here with me, or at least know her close to me. And one of the best detoxification clinics in the country was here in the area. I wanted her to go well without alcohol and drugs, along with me.

"Clarke!" Lexa pulled me closer and looked deeply into my eyes. I could feel my heart beat faster as her face approached mine and my soft lips gently touched my cheek. I held my breath, butterflies beat with their wings, and I lost myself for a moment.  
  
"Lexa, you're not serious." Anya hissed again. Lexa pulled away from me and smiled at me. Before she turned to Anya.  
  
"Anya would you please wait outside?" But she just shook her head. "Anya, please ..!" Lexa now said sharply, her band-mate understood and left the room grumpily.  
  
There were a few seconds in which Lexa saw Anya back before our eyes met again. Her green eyes had lost the glow, she looked sad, and I could swear tears were forming.  
  
"Lexa." I gently stroked her with my hand the single tear that paved the way over her cheek. "Stay here, please! Let me help you." She closed her eyes and barely shook her head.

"Clarke, Anya is right. I can not. I have to be in New York on Thursday. "Again, tears left her eyes as she pulled me closer to her and leaned her forehead against mine.  
  
"I can only recommend you to stay. I can not force you. The patient basically decides whether he wants help or not. But I'd feel better if you'd spend a while in the clinic. "  
  
I felt my body cramp. Lexa needed help. She could not just throw away her life. I wanted to help her. I wanted to be there for her. I needed them.  
  
"I am sorry. We have to do the promotion for our new album, but I promise you I will take care of myself. No alcohol and no drugs. "  
  
My heart felt like a heavy stone. Lexa had already decided she would not stay here to be treated further. She would go and leave me again. I pulled my forehead off her and looked at her sadly as I tried desperately to arrange my thoughts and feelings.

"It's just a really small concert with few fans. It should not take more than half an hour, followed by an autograph hour, and on Friday there will be a photo shoot for some magazines. After that, I have two days off." She tried to soothe me, but I could not find words.  
  
"Clarke, our tour is over in three weeks, then I come back and do a detoxification, but until then I try to stay clean. Promised."  
  
In Lexa's eyes I saw that she was serious, but I also knew how hard it was to let addicts a lot of their fingers of alcohol and drugs. I breathed deeply, I could not change them. Lexa was always stubborn.  
  
I was still looking for words. I could not stop her and that made me infinitely sad.

"Clarke, I promise you to come back. Now that I know you're here, nothing will stop me." Lexa smiled gently at me and pulled a strand of hair out of my face before she put her hand into my neck to pull me closer.  
  
Just seconds later, her incredibly soft lips touched mine. My heart was pounding, I felt her warmth, her love, as I fell in the kiss and answered him with a sense of urgency.  
  
How long had I longed for that? For many years I had tried to keep this feeling alive in me, but now that I felt her lips, it surpassed every memory. Rarely had I felt happier in a moment.  
  
"Clarke ... come with me to New York." Lexa whispered softly against my lips before her tongue asked for admission in my mouth.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always THANKS to all who leave a review. But also THANKS to all silent readers.


	16. TRAVEL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 200 Kudos. How cool is that!!!

Clarke POV:

Slowly and tenderly Lexa began to explore with her tongue my mouth. Slowly and tenderly, our lips began to dance together. More and more the desire grew and our kiss became more and more demanding.  
  
Lexa had asked me to come to New York. She could not stay, but she wanted me to be with her. She wanted me to come along. My heart was pounding wildly in my chest, the tingling in the belly grew almost immeasurably, and the dance of our tongues grew more intense every second.  
  
After a felt eternity, our lips parted breathlessly. Lexa's hand, which had previously touched my neck, was now on my cheek and stroked her gently. Her eyes looked deeply into mine as she put her forehead against mine again.  
  
"And what do you think? Would you like to accompany me?" A hopeful look lay in her so beautiful eyes. "We have time until Sunday before we fly to Europe."

"Lexa, if I can not hold you here. Would it be a pleasure for me to accompany you. I just have to see if I get free. "  
  
She gently pressed her lips gratefully at my cheek. Oh my God, how I missed that. How I missed Lexa.

 

***

 

It was Wednesday evening when I entered the clinic to pick up Lexa. Only my boss knew about her release, to avoid the media crowds and the crowds of fans, to protect Lexa and give her as much peace as possible.  
  
The last three days I had worked and had been around the clock in the clinic, when I had no shift I was with her. Lexa went better every day. The drugs lowered the side effects of the detoxification, so I could dismiss her under observation. And since I accompanied her the next four days, I also knew she was in very good hands.  
  
I went to her room to remove the access to her arm and beamed at her.  
  
"I've been free for four days, so we are going to New York." I grinned at Lexa's face. Four days I would spend with her. Four days of which I would not have dreamed a few days ago. 

We left the clinic together and drove to the airport in my car. Lexa wore a basecap and a black hoodie. The hood had pulled her way over her face, as none of her security guards accompanied us and she had no desire for paparazzi and overly pushy fans.  
  
Arrived at the airport, she directed me to a somewhat secluded parking lot.  
  
"Clarke, I'm so glad you're with me." she whispered to me before she grabbed my hand, took my fingers, and led me to a private jet. A plane just for us two. Wow, I was speechless and became more nervous.  
  
I did not like flying with such a small machine. My body tightened, the handle around Lexa's hand tightened. She seemed to feel my anxiety and began gently caressing my back, bending down to me and breathing a kiss on my temple.

"Do not be afraid, I'm with you." she whispered to me and pulled me into the plane behind her. It was small, but it was very cozy and inviting with its beige leather interior. I dropped into a chair opposite Lexa.  
  
The flight was not long, my eyes alternated between Lexa, who wrote something in an old looking black book, smiling silently to herself, to the window through which I looked at the wonderful sunset. The whole sky glowed orange and red in Lexa's eyes, which made it much more luminous and attractive.  
  
After an hour of flight, we reached New York. I felt much better, the flight had been so pleasant. The view in and out of the plane was just too nice and even when we had hardly spoken, I enjoyed Lexa´s presence every second.  
  
At the airport, a large tattooed man, whom Lexa introduced to me as Lincoln, was waiting for us. I was so curious. Lexa had told me that she owned an apartment that was spacious enough for us both, so I could use the guest room.

Restlessly I slid back and forth on my seat beside Lexa in the back of the car. I could not wait to see her home and get to know her a bit better. She felt my nervousness, for she reached for my hand, stroked her softly and grinned at me mischievously.  
  
"Well, you're excited?"  
  
And I became even more excited when we turned into an underground car park right at the Central Park. Lincoln let us out and leave us, because he had to make some preparations for the concert tomorrow.  
  
Lexa took my bag in one and my hand in her other hand. And led me to the elevator, entered a numeric code, and we went up to her apartment.  
  
When the doors opened I could hardly believe my eyes. In front of me lay an open penthouse suite with windows from the floor to the ceiling, which looked directly at the park and the skyline.

I was speechless. Slowly I went to the window front and found my voice again.  
  
"Lexa, that's ... beautiful." This view was simply indescribable. Lexa was still standing in the entrance area, smiling as she watched me.  
  
"The view has never been as beautiful as today." She came up to me, closed her arms around my body and gently kissed my neck. "Thank you for coming, Clarke."  
I turned to her in her arms.  
  
"I could not miss it. And someone has to take care of you." Lexa smiled and pulled me closer to him. I felt her warmth, which immediately took my body, I felt her heartbeat.  
  
I felt the contraction of my heart as far as the neck as Lexa painted small imaginary circles with her fingers on my back and united her lips with mine.

Butterflies were beating with their wings, threatening to break out as Lexa slowly pulled away from me and I immediately pulled her back to me.  
  
For too long, I had longed for her kisses, too much was the desire for Lexa, her lips, her incomparable scent, which came to my nose and which I loved so much.  
  
Her lips felt on mine, feeling her desire, turned my world upside down. I do not know how long we were standing there and lost ourselves in kisses, but I did not want to miss a second.  
  
I was already so happy that I had accompanied Lexa and I was anxious for the next days. I wanted to get to know her in her habitual environment and her daily routine.  
  
I wanted to know who Lexa really was today. Because both of us knew that we did not want to hurry anything, that we had to get to know each other again.  
  
Fifteen years had been a long time and people could change.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kind reviews I always get from you. They really mean a lot to me.


	17. NEW YORK

**Clarke POV:**

 

The smell of freshly brewed coffee, eggs and bacon aroused me the next morning. I can not remember the last time I slept so well as the last night in Lexa's guest bed. Still tired, I stretched all my limbs of mine and yawned warmly.  
  
But I could no longer resist the scent that came into my nose and stood up slowly. Immediately my eyes fell back on this incredible view from the window. But there was another view I was looking forward to.  
  
So I left my room without taking a shower and clothed only in shirt and shorts and started looking for Lexa. She leaned against the kitchen sink. In front of her was her black book, in which she had already worked yesterday during the flight.  
  
She was totally engrossed and seemed tense thinking about something. She looked as beautiful as she was wearing only her shirt and shorts, absently chewing on her pen. Instantly I felt the anticipation for her.

"Good morning." came after a moment, still slightly sleepy, over my smiling face.  
  
"Good morning, Clarke, have you slept well?" Lexa looked away from her book and I could see her face relax, her eyes wandering down my body, causing a gentle tingling sensation in me. "Breakfast is ready."  
  
I nodded absentmindedly, her glance electrified me, and only hesitantly my eyes followed her arm motion to the table. There was already a delicious fragrant breakfast selection ready. At the sight of them my stomach instantly gave out loud noises.  
  
"There's probably someone hungry!" Lexa grinned at me as I sat down at the table. 

"Do you expect anyone else? Who is going to eat it all? It's quite a lot for us two."  
  
She shook her head. "I did not know what you liked, so I prepared a small selection."  
  
"Cereals and fruits would have been enough, but that I think it´s even better. Thank you." I had not really finished the sentence when I pushed a full fork into my mouth. Yes, I was really hungry. Lexa, on the other hand, just sat quietly with a cup of coffee in her hand and watched me.  
  
"Don´t you want to eat anything?" Lexa smiled slightly at me while I looked at her questioningly.  
  
"I could not sleep any more, so I was eating a little something earlier, and I wanted to let you sleep a little longer as the last days were hard for you too." So the whole meal was really for me. She wanted to fatten me.  
  
"Lexa, may I ask you something?" I was simply too much too curious again. I just wanted to know as much as possible about her. I had to make up so much.

"Everything you want Clarke." Her deep green eyes gave me such an openness that I almost began to melt inwardly.  
  
"What do you always write in this black book? Is it your diary? You don´t have to answer me if it's embarrassing."  
  
Lexa wrapped her hands around her almost empty coffee cup and smiled at me.  
  
"It's nothing embarrassing. I write in the book my thoughts for song lyrics, sometimes whole songs, when I think of something. You know I'm the songwriter of the band."  
  
"Can I read it?" I could have bursting with curiosity, because that was Lexa's personal thoughts and emotions.

"No Clarke, no one reads them. It's not until the songs are ready that the whole world will hear them."  
  
"Oh, please Lexa." I blinked at her. But she just smiled back and shook her head.  
  
"Nobody!"  
  
"Lexa!" My curiosity was not satisfied yet, while I nervously pounded my plate with my fork.  
  
"Hmm."  
  
"The song you sang for me at the concert. Is he in there too?"

"No!" She grinned at me, shaking her head again. "I wrote him many years ago, he's not in there."  
  
"Lexa, the song was so ... beautiful. ... He has triggered in me things that I can not describe, which I had been trying to repress for years ..." I had to swallow to suppress the rising moisture in my eyes.  
  
This song had touched me too much that evening. To many indescribable feelings had been and still were, when I remembered. "I mean, ... almost every one of your songs touches me, but this one ... has pulled the ground under my feet. I would never have dared to hope that you still would ever feel anything for me."  
  
Uncertainly I looked at her face. I looked for an answer in her eyes, where I often used to read in an open book.

"Clarke!" Lexa stood up, came around the table and hugged me from behind, whispering softly the following words. "Almost every one of my songs is about you or is for you."  
  
I could feel her firming the embrace around my body, while her hands stroked my belly and continued it with a deep, almost sad voice. "I recognized many years ago how much I missed you, even if you had hurt me then so endlessly. ... But since I didn´t know where you were, and what you do. My only way to tell you what I feel was with the help of the lyrics of my songs. ... It was the only way to say how much I miss you."  
  
"The songs are almost all about or for me? ... Lexa! ..." Now my tears could not stop. And all I sensed at that moment were her gentle kisses in my neck and the deep love that I still felt for her.

 


	18. NY-Show

Clarke POV:

It was just before 5:30 pm, and for almost half an hour we were in the traffic jam of New York's commemorative traffic, bumper on bumper with hundreds of cars trying to get out of the city.  
  
Lincoln had picked us up after we had spent the whole afternoon on the couch, told us a lot os stories and laughed a lot. I just felt how good I felt in her presence. How familiar it felt, despite our years of separation.  
  
Lexa sat next to me. Her hands played nervously against the outer seam of her trouser legs. She had not spoken a word for the whole trip, always looked out of the window and breathed deeply. And the nearer we got to the Irving Plaza, the more tense and restless she was.

"Lexa!" I put my hand on her thigh and gently stroked it with my thumb. "You do not have to be excited, I'm with you."

 

What was wrong with her, did she have stage fright? Lexa had told me in the afternoon that it was a relatively small concert hall for only a thousand people. So why should she be excited, otherwise they played infornt of tens of thousands of people or was it due to the lack of drugs?  
  
"But I'm extremely excited, Clarke." She almost looked anxiously at me and breathed heavily. "As much as never before." She swallowed hard and put her hand on mine. "It's the first time I really know you're there and that makes me nervous."  
  
I gently smiled at her. "It will be perfect. ... You will be perfect, do not worry. I'm so eager to see the concert. I'm looking forward to you!" Lexa put her head to my shoulder. I could feel her tensing a little.  
  
"Thank you, Clarke! Thank you for coming."

 

***

 

A few minutes later we entered the back of the stage, here everything was not as glamorous as I had ever imagined. It looked rather shabby. Lexa took me down a short corridor to her wardrobe and into it.  
  
In it hung her black stage outfit with the long coat, which I had already admired in TonDC. He looked so incredibly good at her. On a small table stood black theater-make-up, and a small mirror, some fruit, and a few bottles of different alcohol-free drinks. Otherwise the room was only equipped with two old black armchairs.  
  
As I looked around, the door behind us opened with a loud rumble. And before I could turn around, I heard Anya's voice.   
  
"It was time that you were finally there. You're late." She sounded annoyed, but Lincoln, who was behind her, answered for Lexa and told Anya quietly that we had stuck in the traffic jam. And then she saw me.

Anya's facial expression eclipsed immediately, her jaws pressed against each other.  
  
"Lexa, what the hell wants Griffin here?" She squeezed out between her teeth. Anya had always intimidated me and even after fifteen years I was still afraid of her. Involuntarily, I took a step back, a step behind Lexa, who stood now guardingly in front of me.  
  
Lexa seemed to find it quite amusing, for she grinned at her band-mate.  
  
"Anya, I can bring with whom I want. And since my doctor has recommended that I should stay under observation, I've brought her right with me. But if you do not like it, we can go."  
  
"There are other doctors, too! Also here in New York!" Anya hissed at us. 

"Not for me, for me there is only she. Only Clarke, I´ve been trusting my health." Lexa reached for my hand, which I took as self-evident,  
  
"Oh yes, now all at once. For years have you been rumbling and now ...?"  
  
"Anya enough!" Lexa hissed at her. "We can go and let the show burst if you don´t like it."  
  
"We'll talk later Lexa, the last word is not spoken yet. Get ready for the show!" Anya snapped, her eyes narrowing to narrow slits, and without saying a further word she stormed out of the small wardrobe.  
  
I stood staring at the door through which Anya had just been running.

"Don´t worry Clarke, Anya calms down again." Lexa gave me a bright smile and breathed a soothing kiss on my temple. "I have to change clothes and make up. Lincoln will take care of you. I wish you a lot of fun, Clarke."  
  
I nodded her thanks and breathed a gentle kiss on her lips. "Have fun too."

 

***

 

Lincoln led me to the demarcated VIP area right in front of the stage. From here I had a good view. The fans clapped rhythmically and screamed "Grounders! ... Grounders! ... Grounders! ..." And then it was finally time. The three girls and a few other musicians stormed the stage in their typical outfits.  
  
Lexa looked so hot, so self-assured, this war-dress, the clothes, my heart surged, my whole body tingling. She looked briefly in my direction, smiled and nodded at me slightly before she started playing her drums.  
  
Immediately the hands were clapping around us and the fans were resting. They played five songs I did not know. The mood among the visitors got better and better with each song.  
  
And again and again my eyes joined Lexa's. I could not help but smile at her. She looked so happy on the stage, her sight just made me happy.  
  
Costia, meanwhile, announced the last song for tonight and sat down at the piano. She began to play the intro before beginning to sing.

 

“How can you see into my eyes like open doors?  
Leading you down into my core  
Where I've become so numb  
Without a soul  
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold  
Until you find it there and lead it back home  
  
Wake me up - Wake me up inside  
I can't wake up - Wake me up inside  
Save me - Call my name and save me from the dark  
Wake me up - Bid my blood to run  
I can't wake up - Before I come undone  
Save me - Save me from the nothing I've become  
  
Now that I know what I'm without  
You can't just leave me  
Breathe into me and make me real  
Bring me to life  
  
Wake me up - Wake me up inside  
I can't wake up - Wake me up inside  
Save me - Call my name and save me from the dark  
Wake me up - Bid my blood to run  
I can't wake up - Before I come undone  
Save me - Save me from the nothing I've become  
Bring me to life - I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside  
Bring me to life  
  
Frozen inside without your touch  
Without your love  
Darling, only you are the life among the dead  
  
All this time I can't believe I couldn't see  
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me  
I've been sleeping a thousand years, it seems  
Got to open my eyes to everything  
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul  
Don't let me die here - There must be something more  
Bring me to life  
  
Wake me up - Wake me up inside  
I can't wake up - Wake me up inside  
Save me - Call my name and save me from the dark  
Wake me up - Bid my blood to run  
I can't wake up - Before I come undone  
Save me - Save me from the nothing I've become  
Bring me to life - I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside  
Bring me to life“* 

 

Even if Costia had sang the main part and Lexa only the sideparts, the goose bumps ran all over my body. I was shaking, Lexa had told me that she was writing the songs often for me. Whenever she had sung her part, she looked in my direction, into my eyes. Was this song a call for help? Or was it a declaration of love?  
  
No idea the fans were screaming around me when the band had left the stage.

 

\--- 

 

* Source: Evanescence - Bring Me To Life

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I am glad about your comments and opinions.


	19. AFTERSHOW

Lexa POV:

 

Breathing heavily, I stood behind the stage, leaning my hands on my thighs, my whole body trembling. I felt like I was about to collapse. The last days with my drug breakdown had weakened me more than I was willing to admit.

  
"Come on Lexa, the fans scream for an encore. We have to get out again." I just shook my head slightly, I was no longer capable of more.

Why didn´t Anya see how I felt. As long as I was on the stage, I could keep the facade up, but now? I couldn´t anymore. Around me everything seemed to turn, my legs threatened to give way, I felt so bad.  
  
"Anya, ... I can not. ... I can not go on stage again. I'm ... ready and done." Behind Anya, Indra also appeared and looked at us grimly.

"Why are not you back on the stage yet, do not you hear how the fans scream for you?" She snapped. I had to keep myself on my feet when I felt a hand on my back.

  
"Lex, we're not going out there again." Costia crouched down beside me and spoke calmly to me. She gently stroked my back. She knew me, she could feel how I was. "We played the agreed songs, we do not need more. I'll get you into your wardrobe and look for Clarke, okay. "

  
  
Thankfully I nodded to her while she put her arm around my waist to support me. Indra and Anya looked at us in horror, as Costia slowly led me to my locker room. Once I got there, I let myself fall into one of the armchairs, leaned back closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

Still everything was spinning, still my whole body was shaking and it just did not get any better. I could feel the stomach juices rise in me. With the last force I grabbed the trash can, which stood between the chairs and puked me into this.  
  
I did not even notice that Costia and Clarke entered the small room. Still my head hung over the bucket and again and again I felt the unpleasant juices rise in me.

 

  
"Lexa!" I felt Clarke put her hand on my shoulder and her other one pulled my hair out of my face and held it behind my head. Costia took a water bottle and placed it next to us.

"Clarke, I have to go to the autogram hour." I heard Costia say. "It is enough if one of us is missing and Lex is the star of us all waiting for. Is not so good for the promotion if she does not show up, but I'll think of an excuse for her absence. Anya and Indra are already sour enough. "

"Thank you, Costia." I heard Clarke say softly, her hand gently stroking my shoulder. I could clearly perceive the worries in her voice.  
  
"If you need something, Linc is at the door." Costia closed the door and then I was alone with Clarke. I breathed heavily in and out as I slowly leaned back. My body still trembled, but the nausea went back slightly.

  
  
Clarke handed me the bottle of water and asked me to drink.

  
  
"Lexa, I should take you to a clinic, there you will get the help you need now." Clarke knelt next to me and had laid her hand on my thigh, which she lovingly stroked.

  
  
But I just shook my head. I did not want to go back to some clinic, I just wanted to be with Clarke.

 

"Will you take me home, Clarke?" I looked hopefully into her gorgeous blue, but also anxious eyes. And she nodded to me smiling.  
  
"Wait here, I'll get Lincoln to help you." Clarke jumped up and ran to the door.  
  
"How? Help? I can walk." I cried after her in a weak voice.  
  
"No, you must be careful. You need rest." She replied firmly, standing just seconds later with Lincoln infront of me, who lifted me up and carried me to the car. I was embarrassed. Rarely had I felt so weak, so helpless. But I was grateful to him, because deep inside I knew that I could not have made it to the car alone.

  
  
The return trip did not take so long, the traffic had almost disappeared and there were only a few vehicles on the road. I leaned my head against the cold window. My body had slowed down, the trembling slowed.

Clarke sat quietly beside me, she held my hand. I felt her eyes on me. I clearly recognized her worries, but she said nothing. And I was very grateful to her for that. I reproached myself for the incident at the class reunion. These stupid pills had given me enough nausea in the last week.  
  
After we reached the garage, Lincoln took me to the elevator and then to my sofa where he took me off.

  
  
"Rest and sleep. You know, Sunday lunchtime the plane goes to London, until then you should be back in strength. Because of the photoshooting tomorrow, I'm talking to Indra, I hope she can move it." Lincoln said goodbye to Clarke and me before returning to the concert hall.

  
  
Clarke came by now with two bottles of water and something to eat from the kitchen and sat next to me on the couch, closed her eyes and shook her head.

 

"Clarke?" She took a deep breath and slowly turned her head toward me. "I am sorry. I should have listened to you."  
  
"Shhh ... not Lexa." Tears had formed in her eyes. I saw fear in her usually bright blue eyes. Fear and worry about me.  
  
"I thought I was going to make it, but I've probably surpassed myself. You were right, I should not have been allowed to go on stage." I also had tears in my eyes. I just felt weak and guilty that I was preparing Clarke sorrow. Again. Clearly too often for just a week.

 

She slowly shook her head and lay down beside me. I felt her head on my shoulder, her hand that gently stroked my stomach. I wrapped my arms around her and instantly my body relaxed. I felt safe and secure. I felt like home.  
  
A state I would like to have forever, but I knew on Sunday our paths would once again separate. A thought that already hurt me. I always wanted to have her with me. This moment, which I would always like to have, made me embrace her even more when I breathed a gentle kiss on her blond hair.

  
  
"Stay with me tonight, Clarke!"

 


	20. NEW YORK II

Clarke POV:

 

When I awoke the next morning, I felt warmth, very much warmth. Lexa lay half on me, her arms around me, her head lying on my shoulder, her breath calmly and evenly. She was still asleep deeply. I tried to free myself from her, which was not so easy, as her embrace seemed to strengthen with every movement of me.  
  
With great difficulty I managed to get up without waking her. She looked so beautiful when she slept so peacefully. I gently stroked her hair from her face and breathed a kiss on her temple.  
  
I could only hope that she would get better when she woke up. Because last night I had worried so much about her. She had greatly exaggerated her powers and once again I would not allow that.  
  
I made myself a coffee and enjoyed the wonderful view over Central Park, my thoughts always went back to yesterday evening. The song, her gaze, Lexa's weakness, ...

An unmistakable hammering against the apartment door tore me out of my thoughts. I put my coffee on the kitchen sink and hurried to open the door. Lexa was supposed to sleep. But with that noise she would not last long.  
  
When I opened the door, there was an angry Indra. Her arms were hunched on her hips, her face was extremely tense and her eyes were narrow slots. Immediately she pushed past me.  
  
"Where is Lexa?" She sniffed, looking around the apartment.  
  
"You also a good morning, Indra." I tried to relax the situation.  
  
"For you still MRS TRIKRU!" Her look might have killed me at this moment probably also. But I really did not care, because it was about Lexa and her health.

"Anyway, Lexa is still sleeping." Immediately she ran towards Lexa's bedroom and I could only hold her arm with difficulty.  
  
"Let her sleep please!" I whispered to her. With the noise Indra caused, she would surely be awake.  
  
"She has a photo shoot in half an hour!"  
  
"Please, if you want her to go to London on Sunday, give her the peace and time she needs. Let her sleep and move the date." I looked hopefully at her. Why no one understood that she needed rest to get fit again.  
  
"Lexa has obligations, and she has to keep them, like everyone else from the band!" Her voice seemed to grow louder with every word. She wrestled with her composure.  
  
"Please, she would not do it today and then you can really forget Europe."

Indra took a deep breath, she looked as if she would explode at any moment. Again and again she breathed deeply in and out. It was as if she tried to calm herself.  
  
"Can you promise me that she's fit on Sunday?" She asked angrily.  
  
"I'll do everything I can to make sure you can go with her. I promise you!" This seemed to finally appease her. Slowly she went back to the apartment door, away from the bedroom where Lexa still slept.  
  
"See that she is on time at the airport on Sunday." With these words, Indra finally left the apartment again.  
  
After I had closed the door behind her, I leaned against it and breathed deeply before I went to the bedroom and quietly opened the door.

Lexa was happily still sleeping deep in her bed. Her lips seemed to smile. I could not help but put myself back to her, I wanted to feel her warmth. Lexa close to me. I did not want her to leave and I would have to spend the next weeks without her. We were just about to get to know each other again.  
  
I put my head on her shoulder and listened to her steady heartbeat. My hand embraced her body. Immediately she turned her head to me in her sleep, and her smile seemed to be broader. Also on my face, a smile grew. My body relaxed and a little later I was already asleep again.

 

***   
  
When I woke up, the bed next to me was empty. For that it smelled delicious for food. So I immediately started looking for Lexa and the source of the origin that made the water flow in my mouth.  
  
Lexa was dressed in casual jogging pants and a shirt, gently singing at the stove, stirring something in a pan. I leaned against the counter and just enjoyed her sight. She seemed much more relaxed and fresher than on the last days. The many sleep seemed to have really done her good. 

Lexa danced, still softly singing, to the refrigerator, but stopped, frightened, as she discovered me.  
  
"Clarke! You're finally awake! It'll soon be dark again." The grin on my face was extremely wide, it was such a nice sight to watch her cook. She looked as hot as she danced back and forth singing before the hearth.  
  
"You just have to say that. Do you feel better?" Lexa came to me and gave me a short kiss on the lips.  
  
"Yes, beautiful woman, I feel better." And again she gave me a kiss before she turned back to the stove. "Are you hungry? The food is ready."  
  
I took plates and cutlery out of the cupboard and placed them on the counter. Lexa had prepared a vegetable pan, which simply smelled delicious.  
  
"I did not have anything else." She looked at me almost apologetically.

"All good. If it tastes, how it smells, it's fantastic. "I smiled at her reassuringly. And it was really good. I would not have thought of it, but Lexa could cook really sensationally well. After we had eaten and put the dishes in the dishwasher, we settled down on the couch for a video evening.  
  
Lexa lay in my arms, her head was on my chest and her fingers played with my hands. On the TV ran a romantic comedy, to which we had agreed after a few back and forth, as our ideas of a beautiful movie seemed very far apart.  
  
"Lexa?"  
  
"Mhhh." It came already sleepy from her again.  
  
"Indra was there today and quite annoyed, since you missed the shooting." So far I had not mentioned it, but I thought Lexa should know. She was, after all, her manager.

"She was here?" She asked me curiously.  
  
"Yes, this morning when you were still sleeping."  
  
"Do not worry about it. She's always upset when it does not go according to her will. Actually, she just wants the best for the band." Lexa turned to me so she could look at me and smiled slightly, slipped slightly up and kissed me tenderly.  
  
"She's always so intimidating me." Lexa grinned at me.  
  
"Yes, that she can do well. Come Clarke, the film is boring. Let's go to sleep." She almost jumped up and pulled me into the bedroom. After we had washed, we cuddled together in the bed, and just minutes later Lexa was asleep again.  
  
I lay awake for a while, watching her. Listened to her steady breath and tried to calm my heartbeat, because he had grown accustomed to racing in Lexa's presence.

 

***

 

After the next day we slept again until noon and had extensively breakfast, we went to the Central Park. Lexa said she would need some more exercise in the fresh air to not completely getting sluggish and I could only agree with her.  
  
So we walked for almost an hour now, walking through the park. So far, Lexa was not addressed or recognized by anyone. Unbelievable how she could hide behind dark sunglasses and a basecap.  
  
We watched the children play or duck feeding and the couples sunbathing on the lawn. Lexa told me a lot about her busy life in the past few years and I just listened to her banned.  
  
It just sounded way too exciting, but also incredibly stressful. I do not know if I would be able to wake up constantly in other cities and in some hotels. A fact about which I did not envy her.

At the edge of the lake, we settled on the meadow, in a quiet, difficult-to-see spot. There were few people on the road. I sat down in the green grass and stretched out my legs. Lexa did the same to me. But she lay down so that her head lay in my lap.  
  
She looked up at me and smiled at me. What would I give to see this smile, this rays in the eyes every day. My heart beat faster, at the sight of the beautiful woman in my lap. But my stomach drew together at the same time, thinking that our paths would be separated tomorrow morning. I wanted, no I could not think about it.  
  
"Clarke? Everything ok? "I had not said anything for a while. I just enjoyed it too much as my hand stroked her belly as she felt her warmth. I gently stroked her hair with the other hand, before I leaned forward and gently kissed her full lips.  
  
Immediately I felt her return him passionately. As we both put all our desires and feelings into this kiss. Lexa's hand wandered to my neck, stroking it gently before our lips parted breathlessly. Our faces graced a wide smile, we enjoyed the unobserved togetherness here in nature.

We stayed at the lake until the sun began to go under. The sky had already become orange and the people around us were getting less and less. Again and again we kissed or exchanged stroking units I can not remember when I had ever spent such a relaxed, so beautiful afternoon.  
  
When the darkness gained the upper hand, Lexa stood up slowly, handed me her hand and helped me.  
  
"Come, we'll go for some food, there's an incredibly good Italian here." She pulled her basecap back into her face again and took my hand back into her. It felt so good, so familiar.  
  
"I could get something to eat. My stomach is already starting to growl." I smiled at Lexa and let her take me out of the park to the restaurant. The waiter, who greeted Lexa with a warm embrace, led us to a small table in a niche and smiled at us kindly.

"Mrs Woods, the same as ever?" Lexa seemed to be a regular visitor.  
  
"We take a bottle of water and twice the pasta with the fillet strips, Artigas."  
  
"The usual red wine for dinner?" Asked the waiter Lexa, who only shook her head.  
  
"No, not today. Thank you." Then Artigas disappeared and left us alone.  
  
Lexa reached across the table, took my hand and looked deeply into my eyes. Immediately I lost myself in its green. Only the touch of her hand and her eyes dissolved in me things I could not describe. How did she do that?  
  
"Clarke, I'm so happy I met you again. That you came along with me. Thanks for the wonderful time." Her thumbs stroked my hand all the time. The butterflies in me beat with their wings and my heart was beating into the throat.  
  
She had no idea how happy I was that I could be with her again. That she had forgiven me.

"I have to thank you Lexa. Even if I would have liked to meet you again under other circumstances, quite without drama." Immediately, she tightened her grip on my hand.  
  
"I promise you I'll take better care of myself in the future." She looked at me with a look that left no doubt. I believed her, even though I was still worried. The three weeks in Europe would be exhausting enough for her and I had a certain skepticism that she could make it.  
  
"Please take care ..." At that moment the waiter came with our plates and we turned to the delicious pasta. Lexa had been right, the food was too tasty.

 

***

 

When we entered Lexa's apartment again, it was almost before midnight. The skyline in the background of the Central Park was brightly illuminated and dipped the apartment into a pleasant light. Lexa still held my hand as I pulled her to the window front. At this look out of the window I could get used to, but even more to Lexa, which began to breathe tender kisses on my neck.  
  
Her free hand worked gently under my shirt and gently caressed my stomach. Immediately I felt a goose bumps on my body grow, my heartbeat, which again accelerated. How was Lexa doing so much in me with so few touches over and over again?  
  
I felt her hand grab my shirt and slowly pull it over my head and then drop it on the ground carelessly. Shortly followed by my bra. I turned to her. Immediately my eyes met hers, in which I could see the pure pleasure. Her eyes wandered from my eyes to my lips over my upper body and back again.  
  
I could not help but unite my lips with her and push her slowly backwards towards the bedroom. I too felt this tremendous pleasure in me. Her hands stroked my back, while mine were opening Lexa's blouse and releasing her from it.

When we reached the bed Lexa pressed me on the mattress and breathed gentle kisses on my stomach and my breasts. My heartbeat quickened again and a tingling sensation, as I had not felt for years, spread in my body.  
  
Luckily she looked me in the eye as she gently, sometimes demanding, kissed my nipples as her hands cleverly opened my pants and stripped them off. Immediately, as in the reflex, I spread my legs.  
  
"Lexa!" Softly groaned, her name left my lips. My whole body began to tremble.  
  
Affectionately she breathed kisses on my stomach, on my thighs. She came closer and closer to my sensitive center. I pressed myself into the mattress, my hands clung to the sheet. I almost seemed to be exploding. Too many years I had longed for that moment. I could hardly believe my luck. I could barely control my body.  
  
Slowly she began to circle my nerve bundles with her tongue, slowly and gently, then getting faster and firmer. My pelvis stretched out towards her and began to move rhythmically. Another moan left my lips. My body shook. My hands clung to her brown hair and held her in that position.

Slowly she first came with one, then with another finger in me and massaged me with skillful movements. My pelvis moved faster and faster. Lexa conformed to my rhythm and just seconds later I found salvation when I shouted her name.  
  
My body trembled still as she slowly pulled away from me, lay down beside me and took me in her arms. She just held me tight and covered my face with tender kisses until my body calmed down again and I fell asleep happily in her arms.

 

***

 

I had slept so well, but the alarm clock was ruthless. I took a deep breath. Now it was nine o'clock and the plane to London went in three hours. Mine, back to TonDC, half an hour later. I tightened my embrace around Lexa, I just wanted to enjoy every moment of the time we shared.  
  
Lexa did not seem to mind either. She pulled me closer to herself and breathed tender kisses to my forehead. We said nothing, both were sunk in our thoughts and enjoyed the proximity and warmth of the other.  
  
About ten we got up. While Lexa washed in the bathroom, I looked for my things and grabbed them in my bag before I started to cook coffee. I did not think of eating now. I would probably not get a bite. My stomach was crazy.  
  
After the previous day and the beautiful night, the coming separation was much more difficult. Absent-minded, I sat at the counter and cupped my cup of coffee as I felt Lexa hug her arms from behind me.

"I'll miss you, Clarke." Whispered Lexa me softly in my ear. I could only nod. Little tears formed in my eyes. I did not want her to go. I wanted to be with her.  
  
A ringing at the door tore us out of our intimate togetherness. Lexa went to open the door with her cup of coffee in her hand.  
  
"Good morning Linc." She greeted our driver "You're too early." She looked at him somewhat disappointed.  
  
"Good morning you two." He replied. "Indra wanted to make sure you appeared punctual."  
  
"Give us another ten minutes. Take a coffee. We'll be ready soon." She pulled me into the bedroom and left Lincoln back in the kitchen. But only a few minutes later, we were ready to go standing at the apartment door.

 

***

 

When we arrived at the airport, Lexa gave me her basecap.  
  
"What is it for?" I asked, somewhat surprised. And looking deep into her eyes, which I loved so much.  
  
"Today we will not be alone. There will be some paparazzi on the way. It's for your protection. "She leaned forward and kissed me once more passionately. Why could not I stop the time now? Just as intensely I replied the kiss, before we exited and went hand in hand to the check-in.  
  
And she had been right. All the time, photographers or fans appeared in front of us, shot pictures or asked countless questions. But Lexa ignored everyone, she just ran proudly beside me and she just had eyes for me.  
  
After leaving the check-in, we met the rest of the band and the crew. All looked quite relieved, probably because we had appeared punctually, even Anya and Indra seemed to be smiling easily. Costia, on the other hand, drew us to a warm embrace.

"Costia?" Asked, I looked at the little brunette. "Please take care of Lexa. Take a break if it gets too much. Please promise me! "  
  
"Oh, Clarke, I do not need a watchdog." Lexa rolled her eyes and kissed my cheek. "I'm under control, I promise." I hugged my girlfriend and gave her an intense kiss on the lips.  
  
"I know, but I feel better when someone else is looking after you." I smiled at her and Costia nodded at me understandingly.  
  
Then the flight to London was called for boarding. My heart was heavy. Tears formed in my eyes. Lexa pulled me into a tight embrace and kissed me once more tenderly on the lips. I did not want to get rid of her, only to have her with me a moment longer.  
  
"See you in three weeks, Clarke." Lexa could not do more than a brittle whisper. Tears were also in her eyes as she took her bag and went after the other. Once again she turned and waved at me.  
  
And then I was alone.

 


	21. LONELY

Clarke POV:

 

It was late sunday afternoon when I returned to my apartment in TonDC and threw my jacket, shoes and bags carelessly into the corner. For more than a year, I had been separated from Bellamy, I was alone, but I had never been so lonely as now. And our paths had only separated three hours ago. It was as if a part of me was missing.  
  
I went to my music system and turned it on. I had to hear the Grounders. I had to hear Lexa's lyrics that expressed the longing and love for me. They told me what she felt for me. I had to hear her voice, which was so badly missed.  
  
I lighted candles all over the living room and laid myself down on the couch with a thick blanket and cuddled into it. My thoughts went back to the past days. So much had happened in the last week.

My fear of meeting Lexa again was huge, and now? Now I could not imagine myself without her. I was trembling at the thought of seeing Lexa again in three weeks. Three endless weeks. How should I endure the weeks without her warmth and affection? I trembled more and more. Automatically I wrapped the blanket closer to me. How much I wish that they were her arms and her body that gave me warmth. But now I just did not get warm.  
  
I checked my phone, but I did not find any news from Lexa. But why should a new message have come? She was still in the air for almost four hours before the plane landed in London. I had to swallow heavily when I noticed my eyes were already moist again. How could it be that I missed her so much now?  
  
Somehow I had to sleep on the couch, because the ringing of my mobile phone woke me. My first thought was Lexa. Without looking at the display, I accepted the conversation. 

 

"Lexa?" I asked hopefully.  
  
"Nooo, It´s me, Raven." came my friend's somewhat annoyed voice from the phone. I could literally hear her rolling her eyes and twisting her face into an annoyed grimace.  
  
"Oh Raven, I thought it would be ..." I answered her audibly disappointed.  
  
"Yes, I've already noticed. Have you ever looked at the clock how late it is. Your shift started half an hour ago. Jackson wants to go home, but you have not been in the clinic so far." Her mood did not seem to be the best. Audibly, she sniffed loudly.  
  
"But I have early shift and now ..." Only now I noticed that it was already bright again outside. That the candles, around me, were extinguished. That the music no longer ran. Had not Lexa reported? An ascending unrest began to spread in me.

"Rae, I've slept sorry, I'm right there." I apologized to her and hung up. I immediately checked the incoming messages. My mom, a couple of Raven and Lexa had left messages. I ignored that from Mom and Raven and immediately opened the one from Lexa.

  
,Many greetings from London. I miss you every second. I think of you and can not wait to see you again. Lexa '  
  
My heart hit my neck. She seemed to be doing the same. I too was missing her. A small smile graced my face as I tapped the answer.  
  
"I miss you with every second. I wish you were here. Clarke "  
  
Only then did I move quickly and go to work. I was now anyway too late.

 

***

 

Meanwhile it was Thursday. Still I had the early shift in the emergency room. But, as all my colleagues were there, I went back to my office to do the paperwork piling on my desk. But my thoughts were in Europe, with her. At Lexa, whom I was missing every day more. Scarcely a minute passed when I did not think of her.  
  
How did she feel? I could only hope she did not overestimate. We wrote regularly news, but we had not come to the video skype because of our full calendar of appointments, the long working times and the time shift. So I could only trust her that everything was all right.  
  
I took a deep breath. I had to concentrate on my work, but the constant thoughts of Lexa steered me too much. When I opened the next file, there was a knock at my door. And Raven entered my office without waiting.  
  
"Clarke. Here you are creeping. Is everything all right with you?" She looked at me almost already worried. "We have not been talking properly since last week. You were just gone."

 

"Yes, I'm fine, do not worry so much about me." I lied to her, because I was anything but good. I was just too worried about Lexa's condition. I should not have let her go.  
  
"You're leaving us all, and if you can, you're entrenched in your office. This is not normal for you? I'm sure something is wrong." She looked at me urgently and settled down on the chair in front of my desk. "Is it something related to this?"  
  
Raven pulled a magazine out of her white coat and held a picture under my nose, which showed Lexa and me at the airport. Hand in hand. Even though I was barely recognizable because I had pulled the basecap deep into my face, my girlfriend had recognized me. And the look Lexa gave me said so much. He showed so much love in her bright green eyes, which put a stab in my heart.  
  
I swallowed hard. Tears rose in me, which I could not suppress.  
  
"I miss her so much, Rae." A tear ran down my cheek, which I quickly wiped with my back. "I'm just worried. She is not yet back so far that she can go through the tour. It's certainly too much for her."

 

Raven looked at me sympathetically. She'd understood very quickly last week how much Lexa meant to me. She rose from her chair and came to my desk and leaned next to me against this. Before she put her hand on my shoulder and her eyes regarded me sympathetic.  
  
"Clarke, she'll take care of herself. She knows what she means to you." Gently stroked her hand over my shoulder. It was so good to open someone, finally to talk with someone about my feelings for Lexa. I felt the tense gradually leaving my body, which I did not know until then that she had been there.

 

***

 

It was just before the end of my shift, I was still working through the patient files, when my phone next to me began to vibrate. A short annoyed look at my display let my heart beat faster and a smile appeared in my face. Lexa called me over Skype.  
  
At last I could hear her again, and even better, I could see her. Immediately I accepted the conversation and her beautiful smiling face appeared on the display.  
  
"Hey, beautiful woman!" Were the first words she said to me and I could not help but grin at her. And as always, when I saw her, my heartbeat quickened.  
  
"Lexa!" I shouted with delight and involuntarily stroked my fingers over her face. I would like to touch her soft skin now, as I would like her lips to feel on my skin. Enjoy every millimeter of her. "How are you? Is everything all right with you?" My upset worries of the past few days bubbled out of me.

 

"Clarke, do not worry so much. I'm fine." She smiled at me, but I saw that this statement was not quite true, that the words that left her lips said something different than her eyes. These did not have the splendor that I knew and loved. Her eyes said the complete opposite. They seemed weary and tired. She had deep black rings under her eyes.  
  
A lump formed in my throat, but I tried not to let it be noted. I did not want to burden Lexa with my fear. It was enough if one of us worried about the other.  
  
"Lexa, I miss you so much. I count the days until you're back." I smiled at her, still caressing her face on the display. "I can not wait to get you back in my arms. I want to ... " At that moment, my beeper went off and I groaned annoyed.  
  
"Sorry Lexa I must go to the emergency room. There's an emergency." I looked at her sadly. "Please take care of yourself."  
  
"Clarke, all right. We're talking." She gave me a kiss, which I replied.  
  
"Until then." This ended our conversation and I hastily disappeared into the emergency room.

 

***

 

Meanwhile, a week had passed since I left Lexa at the airport. Again and again I checked my mobile phone. No new news had come from her since the night of Saturday, something that caused a queasy feeling in me. Something was wrong, my inner voice told me more than clearly.  
  
I had always left Lexa news, but nothing. No reaction. No Answer. For calls only the mailbox was registered. And with every further minute, my restlessness and the inner fear grew that something was wrong. That something had happened to her. I could not think of it, because I would break under the power of it, too much I loved her, even if I had never told her this.  
  
With a heavy heart, I went to the hospital for night shift. I knew it would be hard for me to concentrate on the next few hours, but I was not to let it get too close to me, I was not allowed to make mistakes.  
  
I had the radio in my car loudly twisted, but I only listened absently. Too much I was with my thoughts at Lexa. Why did not she answer? What was wrong with her? Was it me? Had I annoyed her too often with my worries?

 

When the current song ended on the radio, the moderator spoke up with a few news. And what I heard there made my heart stop a second. My hands clasp the steering wheel tighter, walk the foot off the throttle.  
  
The Grounders immediately broke their European tour without stating any reasons and also canceled all other dates.  
  
I could not get more. My body trembled as a panic attack hit me. By slow, even breathing I tried to suppress them, tried to get some air again. But my breastcage remained tight.  
  
I knew Anya and Indra well enough to know that this was not happening voluntarily. Something had happened. To the never-ending shortness of breath came now still malaise and nausea. And all I could think of was  
  
**, LEXA! '.**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, THANK YOU to everyone who left a comment. But THANKS to all silent readers about your reviews, I would be happy as well :)
> 
> And a nice weekend to all of you!


	22. EUROPE

LEXA POV:

 

a week ago

 

Once more I looked at Clarke. Once again I looked into her blue eyes, in which I always get lost. How I wanted to run back. Take her in my arms, kiss her and tear her tears from her face. Clarke standing alone there, hurt my soul. Leaving her now hurt me so incredibly.  
  
But I could not. I could not make anger again, and so I followed the other without disagreement with a hanging head in the plane. There I sat down sighing on my place in the first class. Put my headphones on and turned on the music loudly. Immediately I was surrounded by the hammering of the drums and basses. I closed my eyes, which were filled with tears, breathed deeply and was alone with my thoughts.  
  
Again with Clarke together. Lying in her arms, feeling her warmth and security. How I had hoped to see her again, to talk to her. I would never have believed in my whole life to get her back so close to me. With a slight smile on my face and much longing in my head, I fell asleep, still not feeling fit, still I was tired and feeling weak. 

 

By a slight pressure on my shoulder I was awakened from my dream. A dream that was dominated by blue eyes. A dream that had given me closeness and affection. With difficulty I opened my eyes and looked into Costia's face. When she realized that I was getting soaked, she dropped into the free chair next to me.  
  
"Are you all right, Lex?"  
  
"Until you woke me, everything was ok." I whispered to her sharper than I had intended.

 

"I just want you to know I'm there for you." Costia looked at me forcefully while I could not help but roll my eyes and shake my head. I was grateful to her, but I'd rather have Clarke by my side. And I did not really need a watchdog.  
  
"Thanks Cos, I appreciate that." I leaned back and closed my eyes again. The flight lasted three more hours. This meant for me, three hours of rest, before the bustle was going on in London.

 

***

 

When we left the airport in London early in the morning, the road to our limousine was like a spitroof race. Everywhere Paparazzi. Lexa here, Lexa there. Questions about questions.  
  
"What happened in New York? Why were not you at the autograph hour?"  
  
"Why did the photoshooting fail?"  
  
"Lexa, who was the woman at the airport in New York?"

 

Did not they have something better to do at this time? Extremely annoyed I pushed past some of them, but again and again new paparazzi built up in front of me. Shot photos and asked a stupid question about the other. In the meantime, my hands had clenched to fists in my pockets. How I would have liked to have hit every one of them, my fist in the face or at least the camera from the hand and gave them my opinion.  
  
But I tried to stay calm. I tried not to let my rage look at them too much. How much I hated to be constantly besieged. To be constantly in the flash. Only very rarely did I remain unobserved. To do what I want and be the one I really was without being pictured in the magazines.  
  
Every now and then I found this in the anonymous big city life of New York or LA. And I was able to experience such a special moment with Clarke in Central Park.

 

"Clarke!" Shortly, my eyes went to heaven. There I hoped to find this infinite blue at dusk, which always reminded me so much of her eyes, which soothed me, but I found nothing but a dark gray. Typical London. It was quite surprising that it was not pouring in streams, because that would fit perfectly to my mood now.  
  
Quickly, Lincoln, now at my side, pushed me past the paparazzi and into our ready car. Finally, Anya, Costia and I were alone. At last I could write to Clarke, even though I was sure she was now sleeping deeply.

 

***

 

Exhausted, I left the stage. The fans shouted and clapped. They wanted another encore. I only wanted to go to my bed. But I also loved the adrenaline that I felt on the stage inside me and so we went out again, like every time this week.  
  
It was now Friday and we had already given three concerts in the last days. Everyone made me ready, each robbed me of more strength and I just felt bad. But the short adrenaline rush on stage excused everything. It was like a drug. It was like a short high-altitude flight, followed by a great crash at night in the hotel room, when I could barely hold on to my own feet. But I kept it for myself.  
  
We played four more songs before we finally left the stage for tonight and I dragged myself powerlessly into my locker room. I searched my phone in my pocket and dropped myself onto a chair.

 

I chose Clarke's number, I had to hear her voice, which was so lacking. The voice that should help me to make me feel better. But this time, luck was denied. She did not pick up. I took a deep breath and closed my tired eyes. How I would love to feel her arms around me now, enjoy her gentle kisses, but we were separated by an entire ocean, and I missed her every day more.  
  
So I just typed a short message to tell her that everything was all right and that I missed her too much. Again I closed my eyes and leaned back. I knew I lied to Clarke because not everything was alright, but I did not want her to worry about me. I was finally old enough and could take care of myself.

 

"Lexa, let's go. Are you ready?" I heard Indra as the door opened. I must have fallen asleep briefly. Because I was frightened and almost fallen from the chair, I could only keep myself on this with difficulty. Before I got up slowly and followed her into the tour bus.

 

There I settled down on my place, in one of the rear rows. Costia sat down, as so often in the past days, next to me.  
  
"Everything ok?" Her eyes looked at me searchingly.  
  
"I'm tired and broken. It's time that I get to bed." I tried to answer her as honestly as possible, as Indra joined us and sat in the row next toin front of us.  
  
For a while we all sat silent as she turned to us.  
  
"I wanted to let you although know your tour in Europe has so far been a great success and so the concert organizer asked me for a few additional concerts. With Anya I have already discussed this and she has agreed."

 

"Additional concerts?" Came Costia and me at the same time over the lips.This was a surprise, but not a positive one.  
  
"Yes, he wants us to extend the tour by four weeks. And we have already agreed with the management." In my ears, there was only a rush. My blood pressure was rising. This could not be true. She could not do that to me.  
  
"Indra, you can not do that." Costia replied. "We're done. We also need a break. And think about Lexa." But Indra just shook her head and left us alone again.  
  
My gaze, which was getting duller and tearful, went out of the window. No one should see my tears. Nobody should notice how weak I was at that moment. I knew I would not survive another four weeks.

 

***

 

I was over-tired, but for hours I had been turning sleeplessly from one side to the other. That could not be Indra's seriousness. Why did she extend the tour without asking all of us before?

  
Everything inside me screamed. Why? I did not have much strength now, and I had promised Clarke to come back after the three weeks to start a therapy. Did not Indra want me to go back to TonDC? Did she want to see me lying on the ground? Did she want to see me fall for all the negative headlines, of the last few years that she had to iron out again?  
  
And with every passing day, I became more conscious of the need for this therapy. So far, this week, I had succeeded in suppressing my desire for alcohol and drugs, but the more my strength waned, the weaker was my will against it.

 

I reached for my cell phone on the night table. I would like to hear Clarke's voice now, but I knew she was going to party with Raven and Octavia tonight. I wanted to give her the fun. I did not want her to worry, because I knew she could hear by the sound of my voice, how I felt. Her eyes, during the Skype call yesterday, had shown this clearly to me. So I wrote her a short note and wished her a nice evening and a good night.  
  
A sleepless half an hour later stood up again. Wandered uneasily in my hotel room. But it was too small for me. I felt imprisoned, as so often. Here in the narrow space of the room I barely got any air to breath. I could not think clearly. I had to get out of here. So I pulled something over and began to walk aimlessly through the hotel.

 

At this time was hardly someone here, so I could finally move freely. And at some point I found myself at the hotel bar. There was only an elderly gentleman sitting there, playing the piano, who had been lost in thoughts, and sang softly. A cleansing force wiping the tables in the corner and raising the chairs, as well as the bartender, who was still rinsing a few glasses.  
  
I settled down at the bar and ordered a water. On ex, I emptied the glass, but I did not find what I needed now, not what could now calm me inwardly. Too much I was upset.  
  
With another hint to the bartender, I ordered a vodka. Slowly, almost uncertainly, I reached for the glass. Took a smal sip, then another big one. And every sip of this drink burning in my throat, I was so infinitely good. With every further sip, I felt the warmth in me rise and the restlessness fall from me. Something that gave me strength and so I ordered another glass.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am always looking forward to your reactions.


	23. WORRY

Clarke POV:

 

I was sitting in my car, struggling to catch my breath after I had stopped it on the side of the street. My whole body was trembling. Tears ran down my face. I could feel my stomach juices rise inside me. I managed to open my door just in time before I vomited beside my vehicle.  
  
Again and again cars drove past me. But nobody was really interested in me. Nobody stopped. No one asked whether I need help. After a felt eternity my stomach calmed down and I leaned back on my seat. At last I managed to soothe my breath. To overcome the panic attacks.  
  
I still could not think clearly. Why had they canceled their tour? What happened? Why did not I reach Lexa? Questions about questions shot through my head, but none of them I could even answer.

 

Like so often for the last two days, I reached for my mobile phone and dialed Lexa's number with shaky fingers in the hope that she would stand out and tell me that everything was all right. But all I heard was a monotonous female voice, which told me that the number was not available at the moment.  
  
Almost absent, I put the mobile phone on the passenger seat, started the engine and drove slowly. I had to go to my shift and I had to let my personal feelings, fears and worries out. My patients and my work were not allowed to suffer.

 

***

 

Just minutes later, I entered the staff entrance and went straight to my office to change my clothes. I was glad that I had not met anyone on the way, who knew me better.  
  
First of all I went to my small bathroom. I had to get fresh. I could not be seen in the emergency room as tearfully as my eyes were. That would raise too many questions that I would not answer. I could not.  
  
I leaned my hands around the sink and took a deep breath while I looked at my face in the mirror. My eyes were completely reddened, swollen. Among them were clear eye-rings.

 

Slowly I turned on the cold water. Let it run over my hands before I filled them and washed my face several times, rinsed my mouth. I had to get rid of this bad taste. And gradually the cold water made me go down a little. Let me calm down something.  
  
"Clarke, are you there?" I looked annoyed at my reflection. Why did Raven have to have the same shift as me?  
  
"I'll be there." I glanced again at my tearful face before I dried myself and went to my office at Raven's. She lunged again on my couch and sipped her hot coffee. Did not she have anything to do with orthopedics? Why did she stay in my office all the time?  
  
But when she saw me, she almost swallowed and jumped instantly. A large part of her coffee landed on her white coat. And if I had not felt like this evening, I'd probably have burst out laughing. But not today.

 

Raven put her cup on my desk, took off her coat and came towards me. Encircled me with her arms. Thankfully, I accepted her embrace. My hands clutched formally on her back. And again and again I had to swallow hard to suppress the recurring tears.  
  
At some point, Rae gently moved away from me again. Her hands were on my shoulders.  
  
"Clarke, what's the matter?" Worried, the brown eyes of my best friend looked at me.  
  
"I ... I do not know ..." my voice was so shaky. I could barely get a sound. I found no words.  
  
"Very slowly. Take your time." I could feel her hands tightening my grip around my shoulders, giving me strength and strength.

 

"I do not know what's going on. I have no more contact ... Lexa. I do not reach her." My voice broke. Only slowly and ever softer could I continue. "And before that they said on the radio ... that the tour is canceled." Again tears ran down my cheeks, which I could no longer suppress. "Rae, I'm so afraid that something happened to her."  
  
"Clarke, do not be crazy, as long as we do not know what's going on." She looked at me worried. "I'll let you take you home. You can not work in the state. Rest and try to get down. "  
  
"No, Rae, I can not be alone now." I was afraid of breaking down the news that I was so afraid of.  
  
"If you want, I'll call Octavia." Gratefully accepted her offer with a nod.

 

***

 

For almost two hours I was lying on my couch now. Again tightly cuddled in my favorite blanket. Octavia mothered me from start to finish. I could not have eaten so much as she had set me. I did not even have an appetite, I would not get a bite anyway. And so I touched nothing.  
  
But Raven had told her that she should take care of me without asking questions, and that took she extremely seriously. She did not let me out of her sight, but she also asked no questions.  
  
Perhaps it was time to open up to her. I was still married to her brother, but she was also one of my best friends and I trusted her. She deserved to know why I was as bad as never before in my life. She had to know what I felt for Lexa. And I was sure she understood me.

 

So I told her my story. Starting from the first get to know, from Finn and the separation. From my feelings, during the concert, as Lexa's declaration of love had concerned me. From my confession that I am Skygirl. From the breakdown of the woman I loved so much and who had landed in my emergency room and I told her about our indescribable weekend in New York. And of my worries that something had happened to her.  
  
Meanwhile she had sat down on the couch and pulled me into her arms. Tears had formed in her eyes.  
  
"Oh Clarke, why did not you ever say something?" I just shook my head.  
  
"I am sorry. I could not do it. Nobody but my dad knew about my feelings for Lexa." Octavia held me in a tight embrace.  
  
Outside, the sun was rising when I finally fell asleep. My sofa and my comforter I had not left. And Octavia was still with me. Even if she had already slept in the armchair for hours.

 

***

 

When I entered the clinic in the evening, I felt better. Not good, but better. Octavia and her care had really done me good. I felt able to work. And some distraction would certainly do me good. I went to Harper to get an overview of the current cases.  
  
"Dr. Griffin. Here are the current cases. There's nothing unusual about it." Harper smiled at me and began to dig at her desk.  
  
"Still something?" I asked, slightly confused as she was still rummaging between her papers.  
  
"Yes, but ... Ahh, here I have him." She pulled out a little note and handed it to me. There was only one mobile number. "The lady has called a few times and just wanted to talk to you. No idea who she is." Who would want to talk to me? Did it have anything to do with Lexa?

 

I had to call as soon as possible. Only so I could get an answer. An answer that might answer all my questions of the last days. And so I hurriedly ran into the standby room, which was fortunately completely orphaned. And I tipped, trembling with excitement, the number Harper had given me.  
  
"Hello!" A voice familiar said to me at the other end, after it had rung only once.  
  
"Here's Dr. Griffin." I replied, slightly confused. I knew the voice but could not assign it.  
  
"Hey Clarke. Here´s Costia." I had to swallow before the questions just shot out of me.

 

"How is Lexa doing? Why do not I reach her? Why have you abandoned the Tour? ..." I had more questions on the lips, but she interrupted me.  
  
"I dont know. I do not know how Lexa is. She is gone. We do not reach her either." Her helplessness and despair could be heard clearly.  
  
DISAPPEARED? ... How could Lexa be gone? There was still enough security to take care of them. And Costia had also promised me ... I could not think or say anything.

 

"I'm sorry Clarke. She has been missing since Saturday morning. Lexa has only taken her most necessary things. She has left no message. Nothing. I tried a few times to reach you, but you were probably not in the clinic and they did not give me your number."  
  
"Costia, how can she just disappear?" I almost cried. Whether out of anger that no one was able to take care of them or out of fear, no clue. I had to swallow hard. Everything could have happened with her. She could be everywhere.  
  
"I do not know Clarke. As soon as I know something, I'll call you right away. We are also worried. Anya and Indra are also beside themselves, which will really give trouble." I gave her my mobile number and then we said goodbye to each other.

 

I stood in the standby room and leaned against a table. Closed my eyes. She is gone. That could mean anything. Everything could have happened. She could be everywere. And I felt even more concerned and scared now than I was the last days before.  
  
Slowly I slid the phone into the pocket of my smock. I stared at myself. I was no longer able to move. Everything inside me was empty, not even a tear was left. I had been crying too much in the last few days.  
  
Harper stuck her head through the door of the waiting room.  
  
"Clarke can come, there's a traffic accident." I nodded and followed her. Maybe I would find the necessary distraction now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much drama for both. Lexa is far away and Clarke don´t know where she is. She´s nearly dying in angst.
> 
> Have a nice weekend.


	24. Emergency

Clarke POV:

 

Without hesitation, I followed Harper out of the waiting room. At last I was able to work. Maybe I would take a few minutes no worries about Lexa. My head deal with other things. Distract me.  
  
They were driven up several ambulances. The paramedics brought in the wounded one after another.  
  
"What do you have?" I asked one of them.  
  
"A family. The condition of the parents is critical, the boy does not seem to have received so much. Looked pretty bad from the spot. Somehow a crazy amok driver. I will never understand these people. "The medic shook his head.

 

"Jackson, you're taking over the father. Nyko the boy. I care about the mother. "At last I could be back in my element. At last I was able to work.  
  
The condition of the mother was extremely bad. She had lost a lot of blood. Was not conscious. In the background, the boy screamed loudly for his mom. Thick tears rolled down his face. It broke my heart, but it also spurred me to rescue her.

 

***

 

After four hours I left the surgery. Throwing my surgical cap angrily into the corner. Tugged the smock from my body. We could not save the mother or father of the little boy. The mother died of her many internal bleeding and also Jackson I could not help bring back the father. Maybe I would have stayed better at home on my couch.  
  
I did not often lose people on my table, but today there were two. And Lexa? Had I lost her too? Had the thoughts of her, distracted me in the last few hours too much? Was the little boy now an orphan because of me?  
  
I washed my absent hands. I scrubbed them properly and this has been much longer than I needed.  
  
"Clarke, if you go on like this, you're still scrubbing the skin off your hands." Jackson looked at me worried. He tried to improve my mood, but he could not. I just ignored him.

 

"Is everything alright? You've never been so quiet in the surgery?" I nodded hesitantly and continued to scrub. I felt as if blood was sticking to my hands and that had to go away.  
  
"Clarke, stop it. You did not make any mistakes. They were almost dead when they arrived at the emergency room. The amok driver killed them, not you. You can not save everyone." No, I could not. But I had to find Lexa and if necessary I would save her.  
  
"Let's take a break. I invite you to a coffee." Why could not he just leave me alone? I had been looking for work diversion, but I had not found them so far.  
  
"Thank you Jackson, but I need a little time for me. I'm in my office when something is." I just left him standing and took the elevator. But instead of going to my office, I went to the Children's station .

 

There I inquired about the little boy. A sister led me into his room. He was hardly older than two years. And he slept peacefully in his bed. I sat down on this and gently stroked his blond curls.  
  
He looked so innocent. He had been so lucky that he had only got a few small scratches, and yet this day would haunt him for a lifetime. The day he lost his parents. I sat on his bed for a while before I left his room and went to my office.  
  
In the elevator on the way there, I felt anger and grief rise in me. The nausea, which had accompanied me so often in the last few days, was there again.  
  
I was to blame that the boy was an orphan. I was guilty that Lexa was gone. I should never have let her go.

 

As the elevator doos opened, I ran right into my office, into my bathroom and vomited. For a few minutes, I sat trembling before the toilet. I did not have the strength to get up. I saw no point in it. The cool tile floor did me good. I had earned nothing else.  
  
Slowly I managed to get up again. To rinse my mouth, to get rid of the nasty taste of the vomit. I wanted to soap my hands, but instead I took the soap dispenser and threw it angrily at the wall so that it broke into a thousand pieces.  
  
But it showed no salvation. The pain did not disappear. Desperately I supported myself with my hands at the sink. What did I do here? I thought the work would distract me. But instead it brought me a new, different pain. The fate of the little one approached me as it should.

 

With my experience, I was not allowed to let such cases come so close to me. I had to hide them. I had seen enough fatalities in my career as a doctor, but I had rarely taken her home with me. They rarely went so close to me.  
  
And the emptiness, which had triggered Lexa's disappearances in me, just did not pass. I could not fill it with content. Nothing succeeded. Only one person would be able to do this. Tears gathered in my eyes as I hung my head.  
  
A soft sob came over my lips. I could not anymore. My whole body was trembling. My knees threatened to give way. I closed my eyes to suppress the tears that filled my eyes. My shift went on for a few more hours. I had to hold out. Deeply I breathed slowly in and out and in and out.  
  
I felt so lonely, so alone. Even if my friends had done so much for me in the last days. I could not anymore.

 

But suddenly I felt arms, which gently enclosed my body from behind. I felt a familiar warmth enveloping my body. Slowly I sat up, leaned back. This embrace gave me a sense of security and support, as I had only experienced with Lexa. I could drop into her.  
  
I left my eyes closed. Too great was the fear of losing that feeling again. To realize that it was not the reality. How often I had dreamed in the last days, of this feeling and never had it been real when I woke up again. She had never been there. I shook my head softly. Nothing of this could be real.

 

I could feel the arms tightening around my body. As the hands gently caressed my belly. How gentle kisses were spread on my hair and neck. Then a chin propped on my shoulder. I felt the warm breath on my neck. Everything was so real. I even imagined I could feel her scent. I took it upright. He gave me strength. He gave me a hold.  
  
But did I already have day dreams? Was I slowly going crazy? I did not have the time to give myself to any fantasies. I should go back to the emergency room. I had to devote myself to my work.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it real?


	25. RETURN

Clarke POV:

 

 

Only hesitantly I began to open my eyes. I had to work. Somehow work. I blinked slightly before my eyes completely opened. But the feeling around me did not disappear. The warmth and security remained. And as I looked in the mirror in front of me, I looked into the deep green eyes I loved about everything in the world.  
  
They did not disappear. The green remained. Everything remained. A tear left my eye. She was here. She was really here with me. It was not a dream.  
  
"Everything will be fine, Clarke. I'm here." she breathed deeply into my ear before she breathed another gentle kiss into my neck and pulled me closer to her. Every single hair in my neck stood up. Creeping over my body as I realized it was real.

 

I felt my legs fall behind me and I collapsed. How everything fell away from me. Everything fell apart, which had worried me the last few days, which had frightened me. But Lexa's arms held me and set me gently on the cold tile floor.  
  
I clutched me tightly to her shirt. I was trembling. Tears ran down my face. Drenched her shirt on the shoulder, against which I had leaned my head. Slowly I looked up. Looking directly into her eyes, who looked at me worried. She seemed worried. About me?  
  
"Clarke, I'm here." Lexa repeated, stroking my throat softly with her thumbs, her eyes never leaving mine. My heart raced against unbelieving happiness. I could not believe it. She was really here. She was real.

 

"Lexa, ... you're ... here!" Came incredulously whispered over my lips. My hands were trembling with excitement on their cheeks. Stroked them lightly. My fingertips were on fire, at the touch of her skin as my hands slowly walked into her neck and pulled her head closer, her lips closer to me.  
  
I wanted, no I had to feel her warm, soft lips on mine. I could not wait a second longer. I was seeking redemption from the worries and fears of the past few days and when our lips touched, it was like a thousand flashes of lightning that breathed energy into my body.  
  
The kiss was full of passion. Full of love. My right hand slowly stroked her arm, which was at my waist. Gently I took her hand in mine and swallowed our fingers, while the other Lexa's neck held tightly. She kept very close to me.

 

A clearing of the throat at the door took us to the here and now back. Confused, I looked around, who dared to disturb this moment and looked into Raven's face.  
  
"Jackson, thought I should look for you. He was worried, but ..." She raised her left eyebrow and put a smile on her face. "... but as I see, you're in good hands." The grin grew wider and broader. "Hello Lexa, nice to see you."  
  
And instead of just disappearing, she stopped in the doorway. She seemed to scan the whole scene. In itself.  
  
"Hello Raven." Lexa answered her quite calmly and gave her a short smile. I could feel the redness rising slowly in my face.

 

"Rae, can you please leave us alone and do not grin like that?" I threw at her with my eyes rolling. She shrugged and disappeared giggling from my office. Now she had some news that she could tell Octavia. And then the two would certainly squeeze me over Lexa.  
  
I could feel Lexa's hand gently brushing my thigh. How her eyes looked for mine again. And before I knew myself, she led a hand under my knees and the other under my arms. She raised me up softly and smiled at me.  
  
She was so strong. So beautiful. And with every second, my heartbeat increased. I put my arm around her neck, my head to her shoulder. Rarely had I felt more secure than at that moment. The last few days I'd felt as if I'd fall into the bottomless, but now ... I was caught by strong arms and loving eyes.

 

Gently, Lexa put me on the couch. In front of her, a pair of clothes and a bag fell on me. Lexa's stuff. She sat down beside me and pulled me back into her arms. She just kept me. Did not say anything. She just gave me the hold I needed.  
  
Every now and then she kissed my forehead and with every minute I lay there in her protective arms, more burden fell from me and somehow I found my voice again.  
  
"Lexa, what are you doing here?" I asked, puzzled. Actually, she should have been with her band in Europe. I only knew from Costia that she had disappeared. And now? Now she was here. With me. Everything inside me tingled. My heart hopped with joy. But why was she here?  
  
"I could not stand it anymore." A gentle smile covered her face. "I have missed you so much. I wanted to go back to you and look like you ... you need me. "

 

A short smile covered my face. Her answer made my heart melt. My shift had run so badly so far and I would never have dreamed in the last hours of being caught by someone like that. Not at all from Lexa.  
  
"Since when are you here?" I whispered to her and cuddled closer to her.  
  
"I arrived here about three hours ago. You were not in the office, I was asleep while waiting for the couch, a loud bang and splintering glass woke me up." Worried, her eyes looked at me again.  
  
"Sorry, but the frustration over the shit day just had to get out." Lexa leaned forward and kissed my lips lovingly. And every further kiss that touched my face, my skin, made me forget a little of that day.

 

"You broke into my office?" I asked, smiling slightly, while we kissed again. She pulled away from the kiss, but she just grinned back, raised her eyebrows and shrugged.  
  
"I had to hide somewhere." At that moment, my beeper went off and took me back to the here and now. A silent sigh came over my lips, but duty called me back to the emergency room.  
  
Once more, I gave Lexa a short kiss before I parted from her.  
  
"I hope you're still here when I come back." And with a smile that I had not thought possible before an hour ago, I left my office. At the door, I looked around and saw Lexa's gaze wandering over my body.  
  
"You can bet on that, Skygirl." And again my heart melted.

 


	26. RETURN HOME

A few days before

 

Lexa POV:

 

Unconsciously I turned the fourth full glass of vodka in my hand. The burning liquid, which ran down my throat, made me so infinitely good. She rinsed my anger continued to Indra and the extension of the tour. But what did I want here? All I did here in the bar broke my promise that I had given Clarke. No alcohol, no drugs. It pulled my stomach together. When my mind was just become so weak?  
  
"Miss?" The bartender looked at me tiredly. "Do you want anything else? I'll leave you the bottle if you wish."  
  
I shook my head. No, the last three glasses were three too much. They made my heart heavy. I was sure Clarke would be hurt if she ever knew about it. So I put the bartender a hundred dollars on the counter and left the bar without drinking the last glass. What was I thinking? How could it happen that I was trying to drown out my anger?

 

And with every step I approached my hotel room, my despair rose again. Nothing had caused the alcohol. Nothing at all. The weakness in me came back with full force. I threw myself on the bed. Squeezed my pillow on my face. So tried to stifle tears and sobbing, but I could not. My arms clasped the pillow. How much I wished Clarke was here now. That she gave me the strength and the support that I longed for so much.  
  
Clarke. I had to go to Clarke. Only she would be able to help me. Can save me. And without thinking long, I stood up, wiped my tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. Tossed everything into my pocket. Took me my hoodie, which had helped me so often, if I wanted to move unobserved. Put my cell phone in, threw my bag over my shoulder and left the hotel room.  
  
Still no one was traveling around the hotel. So I managed to leave this completely unnoticed by the staff exit. I just ran off. I could have taken a taxi to the airport, but I needed the fresh wind that blew my face. He showed me that I was still alive.

 

At some point, when it started to light up, I got into a bus to take me to the airport. My eyes went to the sky, which was just the color of the eyes that I loved so much. Every now and then there were still stars to be seen that reminded me of that magical sparkle in Clarke's eyes. I had to swallow, not to let the tears rise again. How much I missed her.  
  
Why had I gone to Europe? Clarke had known better. I was not ready yet, I had not had the strength again. Not for three weeks and certainly not for an extension. The band did not matter to me at the moment. I just wanted to go back. Back to her. I needed her help.  
  
"I'm coming to Clarke. I'm coming home." I whispered softly to myself.  
  
The way to the airport was not far. But to get a ticket to TonDC was hopeless, even for New York was nothing more to get.

 

"Have you anything else?" I asked the woman at the ticket counter annoyed. I had not imagined it so difficult to get from Berlin to the East Coast of the USA. "No matter what, I have to go to TonDC as soon as possible." I pleaded.  
  
"If they do not mind to change three times, I could put you something together." With a tortured smile she looked at me.  
  
"Make it easy. I have to leave this place absolutely." I brought out through my compressed teeth. My anger in me was already rising again, and I felt my hands clench my fists. I could not stay here any longer. I had to go to Clarke.

 

***

 

Finally, I returned to the ground of TonDC after four flights in the tourist class. For a long time, I had not traveled so slowly and uncomfortably, with so little space and freedom for me. But it was the fastest, the only way to Clarke. And, oddly enough, nobody had recognized me. Either I looked so terrible or I was just expected of no one in the cheap places.  
  
I left the airport and took a deep breath. Finally home air again. My heart pounded to my throat. I was hoping to see Clarke again tonight. An unbelievable anticipation spread inside me as I got into the taxi to the clinic. The elderly gentleman at the wheel spoke without a point and a comma. But I just ignored him. My eyes went out of the window, but my thoughts were only at Clarke. And the nearer we got to the clinic, the more agitated I slid back and forth on my seat. My breathing became more nervous, I became more and more nervous.  
  
Only minutes later did I enter the emergency room. My hood still pulled deep in the face. No one noticed me. There was frantic confusion. A small boy was crying loudly and called for his mom when his bed was pushed to the elevator. I looked around, but could not see Clarke anywhere.

 

So I went to her office, which I knew was on the fifth floor. Quickly I climbed the stairs. I did not want to wait for the elevator. I had to go to her. Hopefully she was here. I had no idea where she lived. The clinic had been my only clue to see her again. And my heart almost surged when I found her office.  
  
`Dr. Clarke Griffin, senior physician`  
  
Slowly, my hand passed over the letters on the door. It made me proud. She had achieved so much. Slowly, almost shyly, my hand tapped the wooden door. But nothing, no reaction. I pushed the handle, but the door did not move. She was locked. Disappointed, my fist hit the wood. My forehead reached the frame of the door.  
  
"Damn." was all that my lips left.

 

I had to calm myself inwardly. What if she was not here? If she was not in the service? I took one of my credit cards out of my pocket and quickly opened the door. In my youth Anya had brought this to me and I never thought I would need this skill again.  
  
I entered the office, closed the door behind me. I had never been here, but it was so much Clarke. Behind her desk hung a large self-painted painting. It represented the merging of the green of the earth with the universe. A lump formed in my throat, I knew the motive. Clarke used to paint it on every occasion. I knew it was the connection between us both.  
  
"Lexa, I see the green of the meadows and forests in your beautiful eyes." She had told me then. And she was Skygirl, the blue of the sky, the universe. A smile covered my face as I dropped my bag and my jacket infront of couch. She had something of us here, always near her.  
  
I lay down on the sofa and looked at the picture through the dim light that came through the window. More and more, my eyes fell as I waited for Clarke, and I was just asleep.

 

***

 

Through a loud bang and the sound of broken glass, I shrank. The door of the bathroom was open, a light cone illuminated the room. I jumped up and moved carefully toward the room. I did not want to scare Clarke, I hoped it was Clarke, but what I saw made me scared and my heart set off a blow.  
  
I had come to TonDC to accept the help of the woman I loved, but as it looked, she needed them much more now. She stood with her head hanging on the sink. Tears ran down her face. A sob came over her lips. Clarke so to see, broke my heart.  
  
And without thinking long I entered the room. Snapped my arms around Clarke. Her whole body trembled as she stood up slowly. I had hardly had any strength in me in the last few days, but to close her into my arms here, to feel her body on my side, to give her a hold, aroused in me reserves which I had not expected.  
  
I tightened my grip around her, gently stroking her stomach, breathing her kisses on her angel-like hair and neck. And when their red, tearful eyes met mine in the reflection, my heart broke. Never before had I seen her so ready, so resolved.

 

"Everything will be fine, Clarke. I'm here." I tried to calm her. Again and again I breathed soft kisses on her hair, but suddenly her legs gave way. Panic broke through me as I slowly lowered her to the ground.  
  
She clung to me. My shoulder was soaked with tears. Clarke trembled with every second. What had happened to her? Never would I have expected to find her in such a desolate, so desperate condition. I wanted help from her, but we needed both help.  
  
Slowly she looked up. Directly in my eyes. Everything within me contracted. To see her like that hurt so much.  
  
"Clarke, I'm here." I tried to soothe her, tearing away the tears that left a salty trace on her cheeks.  
  
"Lexa, ... you're ... here!" Clarke looked at me incredulously. Her fingers stroked my cheeks. Wandered slowly into my neck. And every spot that left her fingers left a blazing fire on my skin.

 

And suddenly she drew me closer to her. Put her soft lips on mine. Butterflies fluttered wildly through my body. And without hesitating for a moment, I returned the kiss full of passion and with all my love that I felt for her.  
  
But suddenly Raven was standing in the room. I rolled my eyes and breathed a frustration. How could she disturb this moment? How could she destroy this wonderful kiss? But she seemed worried about Clarke. At least she looked like this. I just returned her greeting. Could she finally disappear again? I wanted to be alone with Clarke. Give her strength and strengthen me by her closeness.  
  
When she finally disappeared after Clarke's request, I again dedicated myself to the beautiful woman in front of me. Gently I lifted her up and took her to the couch. My eyes were always on her beautiful face. I wanted to kiss every inch of it, but at the moment she just needed a hold.  
  
So we sat a felt eternity on the sofa. I just held her in my arms, enjoyed her closeness, her warmth, and now and then I kissed her gently. Inhaled her scent. I could hardly believe it. Not less than three days ago, I had been on the ground, and now she gave me so much strength, only by her proximity. I hoped here with her forget my own worries.

 

"Lexa, what are you doing here?" The sentence felt like a stab in my heart. Did not she want me here? What should I answer her? I was here to help. I was here to defeat the alcohol and the drugs. I was here because I had missed her so much. The question had reminded me why I was here. I could not tell her I had drunk again. I did not have the strength to do this, so I replied with a smile on my face to cover my uncertainty.  
  
"I could not stand it anymore. … I have missed you so much. I wanted to see you and the way you look ... you need me. "  
  
I had managed to cover my insecurity. And also in our next brief word change, I tried to be as self-assured as possible. But internally I was again the wreck that needed help. And only Clarke could give it to me. Hopefully.  
  
And when she left the room because she was summoned to the emergency room, I fell back on the couch. Breathe heavily. How could she help me if she was not doing well? 

 


	27. RETURN HOME II

Clarke POV:

 

It was meanwhile just before the end of my shift. Shortly before six in the morning. I was dead tired, but I could not wait to get back to my office. My heart was beating faster, just thinking about it. At the thought that Lexa was there. Lexa, who had caught me hours ago, when everything around me seemed to be collapsing.  
  
I waited impatiently for the elevator to come. My arms crossed in front of my body, while my fingers patted impatiently on my upper arms. I rocked from one leg to the other. When I heard Rae's voice behind me.  
  
"Well, on the way to Lexa?" She had a lusty grin on her face that I could clearly hear when I did not see her.  
  
"Yeah, I'm on my way to my office." I replied, trying not to let her feel any emotional excitement.

 

"Do you continue where you stopped before?" Meanwhile, she entered the elevator with me.  
  
"Rae?" I rolled my eyes. Did she have nothing else in mind?  
  
"I'm just wondering? I mean, ... you were so near the track, and now that she's back ..." she looked at me so innocently. Troubles strive to suppress her grin.  
  
"I will not give you an answer." I blushed.  
  
"Why is she actually back? Would not she have to be on tour?" Yes, she would have to, but now she was back here because she wanted to see me. Because she was longing for me. Or was there another reason?  
  
In front of my office, Raven said good-bye to me. For a moment, I watched her as she walked down the hall to her office. I probably wanted to make sure she was not near me. Before I entered my office, with an ever-beating heart.

 

The light of the room was muted. Only the first rays of the rising sun illuminated him lightly. The brightness fell directly on the image on the wall. How many years had it reminded me of Lexa every day. How many years I had wished to be as close to her as the green and the blue that had fused to it and now she was lying on my couch sleeping and tight as she cuddled into her jacket.  
  
A smile covered my face. To see her here so satisfied made me so extremely happy. Let me forget the last heavy hours and days. Just watching her now felt as if a warm blanket would surround me. As if she were holding her hands over me, as before. Let me forget my worries.  
  
And without that I had noticed it, I had stepped on the sofa and leaned over Lexa. I pulled a strand of hair from her face and gently kissed her forehead. I had to touch her. I wanted to make sure she was really here. And when she opened her eyes, it was as if my heart would be hit by thousands of flashes. That energy and warmth that I could only feel with her.

 

"Clarke!" A short smile brushed her face. And just a fraction of a second later, our lips lined up. Our tongues began to dance with each other passionately. She pulled me to the couch while her hands lovingly stroked my back.  
  
"Wait Lexa!" Her body tightened, she pulled away from me and looked disappointedly into my eyes. "Not here. Let's go to my house." At the moment, a smile appeared on her face and immediately she relaxed again.  
  
"To you?" And there it was again, this glow in her eyes, which enveloped me with so much warmth.

 

***

 

Only minutes later did we leave the clinic through the staff exit. Lexa was hiding behind me, her hood deep in her face as we walked to my car. It was clear to her that she was much more nervous in the public than in the seclusion that had given her my office.  
  
But none of us reached for the hand of others, none of us wanted to risk being seen and rumors being raised. None of us wanted to risk creating any headlines or rumors that filled the magazines for weeks.  
  
I had to protect Lexa. I did not want to do this stress, because I was not really sure why she had come back so quickly. What really happened.

 

***

 

Towards seven we arrived at my comfortably furnished apartment. It was by no means as huge as Lexa's in New York, but it was enough for me.  
  
As soon as I had closed the door behind us and we were completely unobserved, our eyes met. We got in our arms and continued our kiss, which I had interrupted before.  
  
With every second he became more intense, more passionate. It felt so incredible to have her so close to me again. And the happy smile on my face, even the kiss could not hide.

 

***

 

Close together, we lay in bed a little later, more could not be imagined today. I was so tired, but something I still had to know. Something that had occupied me the last few hours.  
  
"Lexa?"  
  
"Hmm!"  
  
"Who knows you're here?" I could feel her tense as she tightened her embrace. But she said nothing.  
  
"Lexa?" I turned to her to face her face. Tears began to form in her eyes. She looked as if she were wrestling for words, looking for words. Gingerly, I took her in the arm, trying to give her the strength she needed now clearly.  
  
"No one." Barely audible over her lips. The tears ran streaming down her cheeks. She was hardly noticeable. "Nobody knows I'm here. I just ran away."

 

Affectionately I drew the tears from her face as our eyes met.  
  
"What happened?" I did not want to push her, but to help her, I had to know what had really happened. Lexa clung to me right now. She easily shook her head, closing her eyes, which were still soaked in tears. And in a trembling voice she began to tell. Again and again she was interrupted by a sobbing.  
  
"I had no strength anymore ... I could not anymore ... I was all too much ..." I pulled her closer to me. I felt so guilty. If only I had never let her go.  
  
"Then Indra ... without talking to us ... the tour extended ..." her body trembled more and more. And with every word that Lexa went on, the rage rose in me. The anger at me because I had let her go, but even more strongly on Indra. How could she? My hands clung to Lexa. I also felt the moist liquid in my eyes.

 

"And when I could not sleep at night ..." She breathed deeply, her eyes still closed. "... I'm ... landed in the bar." Another deep breath before she slowly opened her eyes. Looking at me apologizing.  
  
"Clarke, I ... I've drunk again." A cloak formed in my throat. I had been aware that it could happen. She was not in therapy. She had not really received help.  
  
"Clarke, I'm so sorry." I just shook my head. The anger in me on me almost limitless. Why had I let her go?  
  
"Clarke, please help me!" Almost pleadingly she looked at me now.

 

 


	28. Where is she?

Clarke POV:

 

For almost a week and a half, Lexa was back here in TonDC. She had been in the withdrawal clinic for four days. With great difficulty, I managed to get a place for Lexa in the short term so she could get the help she needed so much.  
  
But there were also four days when I had neither felt, nor had I spoken to her. Even though I was her doctor, visits were only possible on weekends for a maximum of two hours a day. Telephone calls were forbidden. And I missed her with every minute, no, with every second more.  
  
Absently I sipped my coffee in the cafeteria of the clinic. I had pushed my salad aside without actually touching it. I just did not get a bite down. I could not stand it any longer, the anticipation of tomorrow was too great. Tomorrow I would Lexa finally see again. And already at the thought of it tingled everything inside me. Hopefully she was doing well or at least better. 

 

"If you continue eating so little, you'll soon be just as thin as a toothpick and Lexa will not recognize you again. She do not like it if you get less in certain places."   
Raven appeared in front of me, put her tray on the table with a thick steak, fries and salad, and sat down on the chair.  
  
Her eyes wandered over my upper body, stayed on my breasts, her eyebrows shot up and her grin was once again more than just clear.  
  
"You always have only one thing in mind, do you?" I could only roll my eyes. With her, everything was just about sex. It was time that she once again began a relationship or at least distracted with a one-night stand to come to other thoughts.  
  
"And that coming from you, Clarke." She still had that smirking expression on her face. "What did you do last week with Lexa? Rarely have I experienced you so deeply relaxed. I think you got stuck all the time like the carnivores." Her grin now became a childish giggle. And I noticed how the people around the neighbor tables turned to us. 

 

"Rae, not so loud." I could feel more red color rose in the face as I liked. The whole clinic did not have to know about my private life.  
  
She exclaimed, shrugging her shoulders. "How is Lexa actually? Did you hear something?"  
  
"I do not know. I can not go to her until tomorrow afternoon." I whispered to her, trying not to notice the longing.  
  
"What do you think of it when we go out tonight. I think we should celebrate something again, and Octavia is definitely there too." She had pushed her now empty plate aside and poked around in my salad.

 

"If it's absolutely necessary, pick me up at eight, and then we can go for some food and then go to the dropship. I have weekends off and the visiting time with Lexa begin until two o'clock. So I have enough time." Some alcohol and dancing until you drop would do me well determined. And with alcohol I would also be able to tolerate Raven's sex stories and her questions about Lexa better.  
  
A smile covered her face as Raven stood up.  
  
"We'll be there. See you later." And she had already disappeared from the cafeteria. She had left her empty plate in front of me as often on the table.  
  
I shook my head silently, but I could not help smiling. Typical Raven. Typical Chaos Queen.

 

***

 

Eighteen o'clock. Finally end of working day. I hurriedly left my office, where I had changed my clothes. I was looking forward to going out with Raven and Octavia. It would distract me and in less than twenty-four hours I would see Lexa again.  
  
I wanted to know how she was. Wanted to close her in my arms again, kiss her. A smile lay on my face, my heartbeat quickened as I closed my office door behind me.  
  
"WHERE IS SHE?" I heard a hissing voice in the hallway behind me. I remained frozen with terror. Not able to move me even a millimeter.  
  
"Where the hell is she?" Clearly I could hear the rage between the clenched teeth. And I slowly turned around. In front of me stood Indra. Her arms were hunched, her eyes clenched, her whole face tense. The anger could be heard not only in her voice. I looked at her more than clearly.

 

"Who?" I tried to look as ignorant as possible. I knew that Lexa had called Costia to tell her that she was doing well. I also knew she had not told her where she was. And now, over a week later, Indra grew up grimly before me.  
  
"You know exactly who I mean. So I just ask you again. WHERE ... IS ... LEXA?" She came a step toward me, her body tense and involuntarily I stepped back a step. A step that showed me that I could not move back. Not to flee farther. At my back I felt the cold wall of the corridor.  
  
A shiver ran over this. Slowly I breathed in. Tried to collect me.

 

"She is not here." I tried to give as surely as possible from me. I lifted my chin slightly. My eyes were directly on her browns. I radiated as much self-assurance as I could at the moment, even when I was trembling all over my body. The woman could also frighten one.  
  
"Griffin, if you lie to me, then ..." the last words she swallowed down. She looked as if she was about to burst.  
  
"So what? You can not touch me and you have nothing to say to me and give Lexa the peace that she needs." My eyes and my voice now spilled the same rage that I recognized in her.

 

And before I was bursting inside, I stormed off. Quickly walked down the hall. Ran down the stairs, took three steps at a time and hurried to my car. I could no longer bear the presence of this woman. Even if I heard her running clearly behind me.  
  
"GRIFFIN! Stay fucking!" She shouted at me as I climbed my car. To the left and right of me, poison arrows appeared as I hurried away.

 

***

 

It was fifteen minutes past eight. There was still nothing to see from Raven and Octavia. Where did the two remain? When it came to celebrating, Raven was never too late. And so I walked up and down my apartment for some time.  
  
I got another water from the fridge, which I drank on ex. But it did not cool my worries. They were still not there.

 

Another fifteen minutes later, the doorbell rang storm at my apartment door. When I opened my girlfriends stood completely unnerved and pale at the door.  
  
"What's happening? Where do you come from?" I asked anxiously. "Have you ever looked at your watch? You are never too late when we go out."  
  
"You ask? Have you ever looked out the window?" Came from both at the same time almost annoyed. I shook my head timidly before I ran to the window.

 


	29. ESCAPE

"What do you mean, with have you ever looked out of the window ..." my breath stopped. In front of my house and in the street stood the twenty men. No! Paparazzi Each of them held a camera in hand, ready to shoot the one photo.  
  
The whole street was parked by them, and in the middle of the street stood a black BMW, behind whose steering wheel I could clearly see Indra. She watched my front door. Her face was, as always, a vicious grimace. Her eyes sparkled with anger.  
  
"What the devil does she want here? Did she lose her mind? "I cursed softly. I could feel my body tighten as my hands clenched fists. The anger in me rose into the infinite. Why could not she just leave Lexa alone? I should have told her earlier in the clinic.

 

"Who?" Came the confused question of Raven and Octavia, who were now standing beside me at the window.  
  
"Indra, you see Rae, there in the black BMW." Octavia had only question marks in her face while I showed Raven the car. She knew who I meant, after all, she had spent the night with her in the waiting room after Lexa's collapse.  
  
"Who?" Octavia repeated her question.  
  
"Indra, the manager of the Grounders," Raven explained briefly. And she gave me a horrified look. "She is looking for Lexa, is not she?"

 

I was hardly capable of a nod. How should I come to Lexa tomorrow, at such a siege? How could I manage to leave the house unobserved? I had to see her again. My stomach tightened as I felt Raven's hand soothingly on my shoulder.  
  
"But Lexa is still in Europe, or ..." Octavia was still visibly confused. But Raven answered her fortunately, because I was just not able to think clearly.  
  
"No, she's back here since the beginning of last week. Lexa has run away from Indra and only Clarke knows where she is. And Indra seems to want to find out. I do not know much about Indra, but I know she is obsessed with the success of the band. For her, only the band counts, not the people behind it. "

 

Slowly, Raven pulled me to the couch, on which I let myself fall. I put my face into my hands to hide the rising tears. My body was in a kind of stiffness, Indra had not scared me this afternoon enough? And now she had triggered a state of siege before my doorstep. How should I get out of here?  
  
"Raven, I'll get something to eat. We'll stay here today and think about how we get Clarke out of here, unobserved. "Octavia whispered to Raven, who was sitting next to me, soothingly stroking my back.  
  
Slowly, my body gradually began to relax again. I was more than grateful to the two of them that they were here with me now. They gave me support and searched for a way out.

 

A few minutes later, Octavia called us to dinner. She had prepared a pasta with the most delicious tomato sauce I knew. Because if O could really do something, then it was cooking. And for her pasta we would leave everything else left.  
  
For a brief moment, the world seemed to me almost in order. I sat at dinner with my two best friends. If there were not my thoughts, which were always with Lexa.  
  
And so, despite the seductive smell, I poked around in my food, hardly eating anything. While Raven and Octavia were discussing how they got me out of here.  
  
"Rae? Do you still have your old motorcycle in the garage?" I heard Octavia suddenly ask my friend.

 

"Yes, why?" Raven asked irritably.  
  
"Does it still work?" Octavia seemed to have a plan.  
  
"What's that for a question? Technique always works with Raven Reyes." she grinned.  
  
"Then you'll take me off tomorrow with your motorbike. We drive into Clarke's underground car park. Clarke exchanges the clothes with me and you go with her then again. I'll stay here and Clarke can take my car and go to Lexa alone. So she should surely get out here and nobody will know where Lexa is."

 

"O that might work." Grinned Raven "I think you're a genius, Clarke what do you think?"  
  
So far I had only listened, not said anything, I was too desperate for the siege, but now I felt hope in me. I felt that this plan could work and so I smiled the first time this evening. She nodded to the two of them.  
  
"I think it's a trial."  
  
"Well then, let's celebrate a little bit, after all it is Friday night, and if we're not going out, we're going to have a nice time here." Raven said, bringing each of us a beer from the fridge before she sat herself on the couch. "And tomorrow we set our plan."

 

***

 

Again and again I looked anxiously into the rear-view mirror, no one seemed to follow me. A sense of the newly gained freedom spread within me. Our escape plan seemed to work perfectly. This state of siege had constricted me, scared me.  
  
But with every mile I came closer to the detention clinic and removed from my apartment, my anticipation grew. The hammering of my heart grew. I had managed to escape and would spend the afternoon, at least two hours, with my love before returning to Octavia, who had offered me her guest room for the next few days.  
  
Before I left Octavia's car in the parking lot in front of the clinic, I looked around again uncertainly, fortunately I was alone. Quickly I went to the entrance, to the reception behind which sat a giddy gentleman with a half-bosom, sipping a cup of coffee and biting into his sandwich.

 

"Clarke Griffin for Lexa Woods. I have registered by telephone." The man, still chewing, turned to me. Looked at his computer and tapped on a couple of keys.  
  
"Ah, yes, here I am. Miss Woods welcomes you to her room, No. 305. Take the elevator to the third floor and then down the hall on the right." And he had already leaned back in his chair and turned to face his coffee and thick sausage cuts to.  
  
With an increasingly throbbing heart and increasing uncertainty, I mounted the elevator. How did she feel? I breathed deeply as the elevator doors opened again and I walked to the right. Room 303, ... 304, here 305. Timidly, I raised my hand to knock, but a slight buzz and guitar play kept my hand from touching the door.  
  
Slowly my arm sank down again. My eyes closed, and my breathing grew slower, softer. I just listened, when Lexa began to sing quietly in front of her.

 

“Never opened myself this way  
Life is ours, we live it our way  
All these words, I don't just say“***

 

Lexa continued to buzz. I stood motionless in front of the door, tried to collect myself, she was probably about to compose and she hit me right in the heart. As always, when she sang.  
  
Only hesitantly I knocked, did not want to disturb her, but wanted to be finally close to her again. Feel her in my arms. Feel her proximity and warmth.  
  
"Yes!" it was only a short answer from Lexa, who interrupted her guitar playing. And this time I did not hesitate. I turned the door knob and opened the door. Lexa sat with her guitar on the bed and received me with the warmest smile and the most radiant eyes she could give me.  
  
Immediately there was only she and me. I hurriedly closed the door behind me. Lexa put her guitar away, got up and came up to me. The smile on our faces grew ever farther and when their eyes met, my heart pounded so hard that I could barely stand it.  
  
I knew she had been missing me, but only now did I realize how very real. And when her lips touched mine, it was as if my heart would blow up my chest.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** "Nothing else matters" - Metallica


	30. Start of therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a year ago and it still hurts so much. Keep this love alive.

 

** Just a week before **

 

Lexa POV:

 

With an increasingly throbbing heart I had gone to the entrance to the detention clinic. I had thrown my bag over my shoulder. Clarke wore my guitar and her other hand clasped mine. Or I clasped her, I was not really sure.  
  
I was afraid. Something, I was not often in my life, but now that I did not know what was waiting for me, my hands were cold and sweaty. Clarke had prepared me for it and had been a great support to me in the last days, but everything here was new and unknown to me.  
  
I breathed deeply as Clarke stopped. She was not allowed to come in. We were allowed to meet again on Saturday. Moody, I put my bag down, Clarke the guitar.  
  
Our hands still held tightly. I wanted to, no, I could not let go. Once more, I looked into her deeply, and lost myself in her endless expanse. Once again I drew her to me to feel her lips, which made my whole body tingle. Once again I held her in the arm to feel her body against mine. To perceive her warmth.

 

How could I endure it for a week without this closeness and security? But Clarke was no different. Her hands had dug into my neck. She clung firmly to me.  
  
We were so close to the entrance. No one said a word. Everyone's farewell was hard. And so we breathed kisses repeatedly on cheeks, throat and lips. We could not let go.  
  
"Miss Woods, I'm Maya." I heard a voice behind me. A small petite woman in a white coat stood before us as I turned to her. "It's time, I want you to follow me."  
  
Once more I took Clarke into my arms. I looked at her as her eyes began to fill with fluid. She held me so tightly embraced that I almost got no air.

 

"Lexa, please be healthy, that's all that counts, only that is important right now." She whispered in my ear, and I could feel my neck shoulders. "See you on Saturday."  
  
She gently kissed my lips before she parted from the embrace. I had to go, that I knew, otherwise we would still stand here in hours and hold the other in our arms. So I turned to Maya. Took my bag and my guitar and followed her into the building.  
  
I could feel Clarke's eyes on me. Once more I turned to her, saw her wipe a tear from her face. "See you Saturday, Clarke." I smiled at her briefly and disappeared with heavy heart with Maya in the clinic.

 

***

 

I lay alone in the bed of my sparsely furnished room. I could not think of sleep. Too many thoughts circled through my head. What did I expect? I had had with Dr. Jordan my prelude discussion.  
  
I knew that they would lower my tablet dose, which Clarke had ordered me to suppress the craving for alcohol and drugs. I knew I had to do countless conversations in the group or individually with the therapist. I knew it would not be easy.

 

But the worst was the emptiness and coldness in my bed. Clarke had not even gone twelve hours before, and I felt lonely. I missed her warmth when she lay in my arms. Something that I had enjoyed the past nights so much.  
  
`Become healthy. That's all that matters.` She said. `This is all that matters ... Nothing else matters.'  
  
Again and again this sentence went through my head. Again and again I saw Clarke standing in front of the clinic with tears in her eyes. I hugged my head pillow, but it was not a substitute. No consolation. It did not smell her, it did not feel like her. How should I pass the next days, weeks?

 

***

 

Finally it was Saturday. As every day I got up early, after I had slept very little, an hour had been running in the park of the clinic before I took a shower and went to the dining room for breakfast.  
  
The past days I felt bad. I had dragged myself through the days. Had visited half-hearted therapy talks. Had longed for Saturday. I was worried that the dose of the tablets was lowered. I was trembling, I was sick, I was alone. Even if the doctors, nurses or the other patients were around me. I scooped off. Trying to deal with my problems alone.  
  
But today everything was different. Today I stood up with a smile. This afternoon Clarke came. It was the first day I took my guitar in my hand. The whole week had followed the phrase `Nothing else matters' and the last two days a melody was created in my head that I had to play.

 

 

So I tested for hours, worked on the melody. Wrote texts in my black book. And so slowly something seemed to grow together that sounded like a song. It all seemed suddenly so simple. I hummed, sang a part, adapted the text of the melody, or vice versa. I had fun with the music, as I had not done for a long time.  
  
And again I sang and sang. Took my book to make a note of the text line as it tapped at the door timidly.  
  
"Yes." I cried without hesitation. Was it already so late? Had I forgotten the time? As the door opened slowly, I first saw blond hair and bright blue eyes. Clarke, who stood with a smile in the doorway.

 

Immediately I put the guitar away, got up and walked towards her. Clarke closed the door and I put her in my arms. I called her scent, her heat on in me. It felt like coming home.  
  
Slowly, my hands wandered over her back, neck until they covered her face. It moved to me to drown into an infinite kiss full of passion. Gently stroked my cheeks. How I had missed that! How much I missed Clarke! The tingling and the butterflies in me grew abruptly.  
  
Not a minute later she lay beneath me on my bed as we had landed there, no idea. Everything ran as in a movie. When I pulled her the top. Kissed her upper body with kisses. Smelled her, felt her, tasted her.

 

I could not help but glow when she unbuttoned my button up. Her hands glide over my skin, so my body was covered with goose bumps. Again and again I breathed her kisses on her divine upper body, her lips.  
  
"Lexa, how are you?" She whispered, as I just opened her bra, stripped him and gently kissed her nipples, massaged. Shortly I looked up, looked into her eyes. They looked at me seriously, slanting their heads slightly before they continued. "I need to know that you will be helped here. That you're okay."  
  
I just smiled at her as I continued to kiss her body with kisses.

 

"I'm fine Clarke, it's tough, but it's going to be so, do not worry so much." I whispered to her as I continued the hike of my lips over her body. She pulled me close to her. I laid my head on her shoulder. Her arms closed me tightly. She just held me tight.  
  
I enjoyed their proximity. The security that she gave me at that moment. I was so grateful to her that she was here with me and shared these few minutes with me. Never again, I wanted to let her go, I always wanted to have her with me.  
  
Shortly I raised my head and looked into her beautiful eyes. A small smile graced her face. I wanted to, no, I had to tell her what I felt for her. Too many years had passed without this feeling changed, and now I did not want to wait a second longer.  
  
"Clarke!"

 

"Hmmm!" Her hand drew gentle circles on my back.  
  
"I love you." Her smile grew instantly. Her eyes shone brighter than the sun could ever have done. She drew me closer to her. Kissed me with a passion I only experienced with her and breathed into me the words that turned my world upside down.  
  
"Lexa, I love you, more than anything else in the world." A tear ran down her cheek.  
  
My heart beat somersaults. I could hardly believe my luck. This beautiful, clever woman loved me.

 

We held each other for minutes. No one said anything. We kissed us occasionally lovingly. I hoped this never ended. I could hardly be happier.  
  
"I have to tell you something, Lexa." The stroking on my back stopped. Her voice sounded serious.  
  
"You can tell me everything." I whispered to her.  
  
"Indra is looking for you, Indra is here in TonDC." I could hear the fear in her voice. "She has been lying to me. I could only escape with difficulty her. I hope she does not notice anything." 

 


	31. Pictures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for not having a new chapter so long, but I was just too busy. I hope it will be better now and I can update again more regularly.

Clarke POV:

With a broad smile on my face I drove back to Octavia's house. My lips were swollen and still glowed from Lexa's hot kisses. My heart pounded to my throat. There seemed no longer to calm down. She had confessed to me her love. Everything felt so good, so familiar. She seemed to be doing well and all my worries had been in vain.

My hands drifted rhythmically on the steering wheel, my lips hummed the melody that I had heard before Lexa's door and which was not letting me go now. In my mind I still felt our passionate farewell kiss, which was so full of love. 

And before I knew, I was already in the driveway to the house of my girlfriend. Octavia sat with Raven on the wooden staircase to the porch, the house that was much too big for her alone. They watched me exactly as they sipped their coffee. They tried to assess my mood, they were clearly seen, but this should not be too difficult for them. My grin just did not pass. Too many lucky feelings had overwhelmed me in the last few hours.

"And you were worried, O. Look at the smirk in Clarke's face, and the fat love bite on her neck, she had a lot of fun with Lexa." And there it was again, Raven's smirking grin as I approached the two.

I hugged both of them briefly, still grateful for my rescue from Indra and the paparazzi, before I sat down between them and took Rea´s coffee out of hand hand, enclosed tightly the cup and enjoyed the smell and taste of the hot drink and absorbed it deeply into me.

"How's Lexa?" Octavia put her hand on my knee, squeezing it lightly, and looked at me questioningly. She took it much more serious than Raven, who only made stupid jokes. She looked much more worried.

But I could not help but smile. My worries had been unjustified and completely gone. "I think she's in good hands there, she seems to be doing better."

"Yes I see that." Came the ludicrous comment from Raven, who felt my elbow fiercely in her ribs. "What? Look at this love bite!" She pointed at him, stared at my neck and grinned mischievously. "Someone has probably registered his property." 

 

"Shut up, Rae!" Came it from me and Octavia as from a mouth before we all three began to giggle like little kids. It did so good, once again freed.

Everything felt so good. I was happy for the first time in a really long time. Lexa felt much better. She loved me and I loved her. And my two best friends were by my side. To Indra and the Paparazzi I wasted no more thoughts, they were just at the moment very far away. 

***

The rays of the rising sun tickled in my face tickled the next day. I had slept so well and I was glad that no one had awakened me. The evening with the two had become very long and very full of alcohol. We had talked about the past and especially laughed very much.

I stretched and yawned passionately. I heard that Octavia and Raven, who had also slept here, were already awake. They whispered, but seemed to be discussing something, rattling the dishes and cutlery for breakfast. Maybe the noise had awakened me yes and not the sun's rays.

A look at the alarm clock showed me that it was already before eleven. Rarely had I slept so long in the last time. Three hours later, there was a visit to Lexa. I could not wait to see her again. And so I stood up still slightly tired but eager expectations and left the guest rooms. 

"Good Morning." I grumbled to the two before I disappeared in the bathroom, the alcohol still slightly nebulized my head. I stood under the shower and enjoyed the hot water that enveloped my body. As it slid down my body gently. It washed the last fatigue from my body. I dried off, brushed my teeth, and was ready to begin the day. I opened the bathroom door and looked at my girlfriends who were still vehemently discussing.

"... we must tell her." I heard O whisper, which now looked at me as frightened as Rae.

"What do you have to tell me?" I replied, slightly confused. I felt my inner restlessness, which had so often accompanied me lately, began to grow in me again.

"Say what?" I asked again, this time a little more energetic, after I got no answer, and both looked at me frozen like salt-acids. 

"Show is ... I think is better." Rae said softly, holding her cell phone in front of me. And what I saw there let my heart slip into my pants, turn my stomach around. How could that happen?

Raven's phone showed the image of a kiss. It was the kiss I gave yesterday Lexa farewell, who now was burning on my lips hot again. We had kissed in front of her room. We were almost alone. There was only that puberty boy playing with his cell phone, and his mother.

And suddenly I felt as if the blow hit me. I realized immediately what the boy and his cell phone had been done. How could I be so stupid, in the age of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Co.? I had probably betrayed Lexa's whereabouts through the kiss in the hallway. My stomach juices rose and I ran back to the toilet, into which I instantly surrendered. 

My knees gave way as I wrapped the porcelain bowl with my arms. Tears left my eyes. Raven and Octavia were with me at once. Gently stroked my back and held back my hair as I began to surrender again.

I sat there a felt eternity. My girlfriends held me. They managed to calm me down slowly. By telling me well and were just there for me.

"Clarke, we'll go to Lexa together. See if she's all right." Raven whispered to me.

"We're with you, we'll help you." Added O, who pulled me back into a hug.

We sat there for a few minutes before we slowly rose again and I came to a halt. 

"Thank you for being there. Can we go right away?" it was barely more than a whisper about my trembling lips. "I need to warn Lexa." I had to protect her. I'd put her in danger and Indra would kill her if she could find her.

I quickly went to my room, changed my clothes. Thousands of thoughts circled through my head. I wanted to help her, but now I was not sure if I could. Too big my mistake had been. I was afraid for her, for us.

I quickly checked my phone before we left. I wanted to know if Lexa had reported, but that was really unlikely, since they could not have any contact with the outside world and the cell phone had been taken off the clinic. 

For this I had received countless messages. Everyone seemed to have seen the picture. A couple of my former classmates and some colleagues had written to me. But only three people I gave my attention. My mother had written a message. I had not heard from her ever since, but she had also seen the picture and was happy for us.

She said that my father and they have always known that we belonged together. Immediately my mind went back fifteen years, at a time when my world was still in order. I was with Lexa, and especially my beloved father adored her. He already labeled her my wife. 

Just by the thought of him, the tears came to my eyes again. How he not only lacked to me now. He would certainly have given me the right advice in my present situation. He would have known how I could deal with Indra. I took a deep breath. Because of Indra, I was really afraid. The paparazzi, who would probably be standing in front of the clinic, did not bother me now.

Then there were several messages from Costia who was worried about Lexa and warned me of Indra. But that she was in TonDC, I knew already better than I was dear. She told me that she wanted to come here as well to support us. 

And then there was a message from Bellamy. I had neither seen nor heard him for a year. But he was still my husband. From who I now that Lexa was back, I wanted absolutely to be divorced. But the news he left me made me tremble.

'What are you doing with this bitch? You're my woman. FOREVER MEANS FOREVER!'


	32. VISIT

Clarke POV:

"Clarke, we must go." Cried Octavia impatiently, tearing me from my thoughts. "Come on."

I grabbed my jacket, put my phone in and ran after Octavia and Raven, who were about to leave the house.

It had already been too much time, I had slept too long, too many hours the pictures were already in circulation. And we had to go to Lexa as soon as possible. We had to warn her. Protect her. Hopefully it was not too late.

So I also ran to the car, jumped to the rear seat row, hit the door behind me and could hardly wait for us to leave at last. Restlessly my hands drummed on my thighs, how long could it take to close the front door. Come on Octavia hurry up. Everything in me shouted. 

Finally we drove off. But for some reason, hell was going on today. The streets were full of cars. We were barely moving forward.

"Damn it!" Cried Octavia as she hit the steering wheel. We had hardly driven two miles and we were already in a traffic jam. Nothing went ahead more. What was going on today? Why were Sunday noon so many people on the road? Well, the weather was nice and many wanted to go to the nearby lakes for bathing. But why now I had to go to Lexa. Restlessly I slid back and forth to my seat. Drummed with my fingers on the plastic of the inner lining of the door of the car.

"Clarke, it's annoying, stop it!" Snapped Raven annoyed. I breathed heavily in and out. 

"We must be there before Indra." I snapped back, tense. I did not want to sound like that, but I was worried about Lexa and the news of Bellamy scared me.

"Clarke, please stop." Repeated Raven. "We will be there in time, but you're making me crazy if you continue to banging on the panel."

I silently rolled my eyes. I could not go fast enough. Why did not Raven understand this? I was so full of fear, full of worries.

"Clarke does not really go any faster, so please stop. Rae is right, it's annoying." Octavia now interfered. She looked into my eyes through the mirror. She saw the uncertainty in it. "Otherwise all right with you, Lexa's not anything bothering you? I know you too long, tell us. Whats happening?" 

Shortly our eyes met. My eyes could certainly not hide my feelings and fears, for I saw them looking at me more and more anxiously.

"Clarke?" She turned to me. As we were still standing, she laid her hand soothingly on my knee and looked me deeply and compassionately in the eyes. "What's happening?"

I swallowed hard. Was I really become so easily comprehensible for my friends? The lump in my neck grew with every second. I tried to swallow, to swallow the lump, but he stuck and did not move a millimeter.

I took my phone out of my pocket, opened the news of Bellamy shakily. I could not read aloud. She had burned on my retina. Hurt and unsettled me too much. We were separated and I never would have thought in my dreams that he would put our divorce stones in the way. So I handed Octavia my phone. 

"What are you doing with this bitch? You're my woman. FOREVER MEANS FOREVER!" She read aloud the news of her brother. With every sentence she read, her rose flush of anger more in the face. Raven's mouth was open with horror.

"I'll kill him, what does Bell think he is?" Came stunned at O's lips after she had read the message again. Her eyes shining with anger. Raven looked for words, turned to me and looked at me in shock.

"Clarke, we're there for you, always, promised." Raven tried to make her voice tight.

"Bell can get dressed up, he's got a dick, he can get to know me," Octavia said. But was interrupted by a loud horn. The traffic began to move slowly. A larger gap had already formed before us. Octavia cursed loudly and showed the driver behind her the middle finger, before she started the car, slowly drove on and settled into the traffic again. 

Finally we drove again. We did not get really fast, but at least we were now rolling. We spoke little. Octavia concentrated on the street, but her thoughts were quite somewhere else. They were at Bellamy, that I felt distinctly. Her hands clasped the steering wheel so tightly. On her face she wore an angry mask.

Raven stared at the street in front of her. There was no word for her lips either. Bellamy's message had almost the same effect on my friends as on me. We all three were stunned and angry.

The traffic simply did not take off and minutes began to pull like hours, without which we really came closer to Lexa. Again and again we were in a jam. For the track I had spent half an hour yesterday, we needed almost two full hours today, after which we finally turned to the parking lot to the clinic. 

In contrast to yesterday, we had to look today for a parking space. Countless vehicles clogged the car park, parked wildly on the green spaces outside the clinic. My heart was always fierce. My stomach contracted. This could not mean anything good.

"I really would not have thought that here on a Sunday so much is happening." Raven in front of me sounded more than surprised.

"I do not think they want to visit all the patients." Octavia pointed shocked toward the entrance of the clinic. Before that I recognized them again. Just as I had just before my front door, a horde of Paparazzi had gathered together. Since the security service did not let them in, they were waiting there for sure. They were waiting for Lexa.

The image of the boy on the Internet had lured her, like moths attracted by the light. 

"Clarke, you stay between Octavia and me. We'll get you there safely in." Raven whispered resolutely and pulled me towards the entrance.

Octavia ran lightly behind me. Her hand lay guarded on my back, my body trembling almost uncontrolled. If the paparazzi were here, who else? I had to breathe heavily several times. I had to control my body. I had to force myself to put a foot in front of the others. I was afraid of what awaited me in the clinic. I was afraid of Indra and Lexa's reaction. Should the Grounders' band manager really be there? 

My two friends pushed me past the paparazzi. Again and again a camera with a flashy flash light was held in front of my face. Again and again I was overwhelmed with questions. 

"Do you have an affair with Lexa Woods?"

"How is Lexa doing?"

"Have you fallen in love with Lexa?"

"How do they know each other?"

Questions about questions echoed through my head, but to none of them I replied. I was grateful to my friends that they went here with me through. Protected me best and led me to the reception area of the clinic.

Behind the counter sat the same man as yesterday. Actually, the sight was exactly the same. He sipped his coffee and held his thick sausage bread in the other hand. Slowly he raised his eyes and looked at us. 

"What do you want?" The visit starts in half an hour. " He asked us annoyed, while he chewed.

"We want to go to Lexa Woods." Answered Octavia without waiting for a reaction from me.

A tired smile appeared on the man's face. "Miss Woods is very much in demand today." His eyes fell on the entrance. "If the visit that is currently with her is going, one of them can go to her." 

Someone was already with her? I was stunned. I could not wait and stand there. Seeking help, I looked at my friends and before I knew it to Raven leaning lasciviously on the counter and began to uncontrollably with the man to flirt, hung his gaze on her blouse, which gave him a good look now. For the moment he was completely distracted.

I took my legs in my hands, ran up the stairs. Breathless, I stopped just before Lexa's room. Wanted to knock, but a loud voice from the inside of the room stopped me.

Indra.

I was too late.


	33. VISIT II

SATURDAY AFTERNOON

Lexa POV:

Slowly, I broke away from Clarke's tender, hot lips. Sensing her breath in my face. My arms still held her body tightly. I tried to inhale her scent, her warmth. They impress me, even if it was only a few hours before we saw each other again. Until I could close them back in my arms.

"Clarke." I smiled all over her face as she looked up at me and met mine eyes. Why exactly was I here? These eyes and their warmth were the best medicine for me. If this incredibly beautiful woman was with me, there was only a drug I wanted to give myself and that was Clarke. "I love you." I whispered to her as I gently took her face in my hands and breathed another kiss on her sensual lips.

I could feel her smile and then give herself to the kiss with full passion. Her hands wandered over my back. Took small circles that burned deeply and with pleasure in my skin. What was she doing to me? In her arms I felt so at home. 

"Lex. I have to go." The visiting hours were actually already gone quite a while. Clarke looked sadly into my eyes. Gently stroke her thumbs over my cheeks. We parted with difficulty, just to keep our lips together for a moment.

Slowly we made it to my room door. But before we could open it, I pushed Clarke backwards toward the door. Again our lips met with pure pleasure. Again our tongues fought passionately until we parted breathlessly.

"You should really go." I grinned at Clarke. "Otherwise, I can not guarantee anything." In me the pure pleasure was boiling, I was just about to boil.

With a heavy heart, I opened the door and escorted her to the elevator. Our hands held tight all the time. I did not want to let go of her and gently stroked her hand. I had to enjoy every second that was left to us today. I wanted and had to feel her. 

We waited on the elevator, tense. Far too fast he came and opened his doors, but none of us moved even a millimeter. Our eyes were trapped in those of the others. Slowly, Clarke leaned toward me, put her free hand on my neck and pulled me to join our lips in a passionate farewell kiss.

He did not take long, but I should still feel him on my lips a few hours later. Involuntarily, our lips and hands parted as Clarke entered the elevator.

"See you Lex tomorrow." She tried to smile, but in her eyes I saw that her separation was just as difficult as mine. "I love you." I heard her say before the doors closed and I remained alone. 

Moodily, I turned around. A few yards in front of me stood a boy, barely older than fourteen, with his mother. He held his mobile phone exactly in my direction. Hopefully he had not done what I was thinking. With a furious glance, I rushed on him, because his eyes told me nothing good. 

"Woe, you put some picture on the Internet!" I hissed at him angrily.

"Too late." He just grinned back. I hit him his cell phone out of his hand, which clattered to the floor. His mother gave me an angry look and began to walk in my direction with a real scolding. Without paying any attention to them, I stormed into my room, into my currently secure realm. My heart was raging with anger when the image of the kiss surfaced on the Internet, it would soon swarm with paparazzi and Indra would soon be here.

Would Clarke get along with such a siege? No paparazzi came in here. I was sealed off, but Clarke? She was delivered them defenseless outside this clinic. I was used to being constantly watched, had learned to ignore them or go out of their way, but they would probably frighten her. And this worried me. 

I breathed deeply in and out. Trying to think about how I could help her, and threw myself tired on my bed. Everything here smelled of Clarke now. Something I missed the whole week. My pillow, my blanket, everything exuded its comforting scent that calmed me instantly and conjured me a warm smile on my face. The rest of the world seemed far away. If only they come, today I would not move away from here. And then I would think of something.

I hugged my pillow, closed my eyes and held Clarke in my arms again, as I had done until a few minutes ago. How could I help her? I knew she was at Octavia and there she seemed to be safe for today. 

***

Overslept I stretched me. Just looked at my alarm clock. Already so late? It was just before noon and I had slept the first time since I was here. I still felt Clarke's scent on my pillow. I still felt her closeness, which would be a reality in a few hours.

I stood up with a big smile. Lots of time to take a shower, the breakfast was already a while past and my coffee should I get in the cafeteria still. I enjoyed how the warm water jets enveloped my body before I set the water on cold to get my mind really awake. 

After I had put on a comfortable trousers and a casual shirt, I went to get a coffee. Today all seemed to sleep long here. No one had any therapies or meetings, so I did not encounter any human soul on my way to the cafeteria. Only the smell of lunch, which was being prepared, was already in my nose.

Finally I held my coffee in my hand and found myself at the large window front, from which one could look directly at the park behind the clinic. I loved this view. There was something soothing.

"Lexa" A quiet voice ended my thoughtless staring out of the window. Slowly I turned and looked into the always friendly face of Maya. "I wanted to inform you that pictures of you are on the internet and that there are a lot of paparazzi in front of the clinic." 

And there they were again, my fears for Clarke. I had feared it. I could kill the boy. Again the rage began to grow in me, which I had pushed out so quickly last night.

"Could I come out of here quickly undetected?" I asked Maya, although I already knew the answer.

Maya just shook her head. Everyone had to go over the driveway to the clinic, nobody came out undetected, and then not from a sieged building. Just as I knew the vultures out there, they photographed anyone who ran into the lens. If only I had run away last night.

I left Maya alone. With the coffee pot in my hand I went back to my room. Should I entrench myself there? Waiting for Clarke? Thousands of thoughts shot through my head. But none of it, I could really hold on. I was just too confused. 

A loud rumbling door dropped my head again immediately become clear. An icy chill ran over my back. Indra suddenly stood in front of me in the room, her eyes glowing with rage. Behind her Lincoln, who looked as if he would vanish into thin air. He just nodded at me apologetically.

"What do you think, you can not just go and leave the tour?" Indra, before I could even react, started screaming around. And with every single word the temperature in my room sank noticeably.

I just stood there rigidly. Tried her not to do the same.

"Indra I was not doing well. I needed help. I would not have passed the tour anyway, "I confessed to her truthfully. 

"I do not care, you left the band in the lurch, do you know what it costs?" Her voice was still louder, even though I thought this was no longer possible.

"I do not care what it costs? My health is more important to me, but you have never mind!" I cried back now. But tried to keep my anger in check.

"You're coming back to Europe, we still have enough deadlines that you have to face." It came through her bruised teeth. But I did not care. Should she go back to Europe. Should she perceive the appointments with Anya and Costia. 

"No!" I replied with an ice cold that I had not felt in me for weeks.

"You have no choice, you are a part of this band and you have contracts that you have to adhere to and I do not tolerate any objection!" In her eyes the pure rage sparkled.

"No!" I repeated softly, but firmly. "If you ask it of me, I'm out there and I'm leaving the band."

And without that I had noticed, appeared behind Indra suddenly the blond hair that I loved so much. Looked into shocked blue eyes. And the only thing that came over her lips was my whispered name, whose sound I so loved with that voice.


	34. War of Words

Clarke POV:

"Lexa" I looked shocked into Lexa's sparkling eyes. Only once in my life I had seen so much cold, so much rage in them. At that time I had been the reason. At that time I had betrayed her with Finn. In front of me, I recognized Indra and Lincoln, who stood slightly apart, and I clearly saw that he did not want to be here at all. 

Lexa's last words, which I had heard on entering the room, echoed incessantly through my head. 'I leave the band.' She could not do that. Music was her life. Everything to her. But I could understand it. She needed peace, which Indra would never allow.

Indra again turned slowly to face me when she noticed how Lexa's eyes were staring at mine and heat returned to them. How Lexa began to noticeably relax. Their whole posture began visibly to unblock.

"Griffin, what the hell do you want here?" She now moaned at me. Her eyes were only angry slits. 

"Stop leave Clarke alone! She belongs to me and if she wants to be here with me, then she can stay as long as she wants. And woe you're coming too close to her, "Lexa hissed at Indra, her eyes never leaving mine.

"Indra." I began slowly, trying to relax the situation. "Lexa needs the therapy, please give her the chance, give her the distance she needs." Almost pleadingly I turned to her now. But her face did not change.

"She has obligations that she can not just run away from!" Her voice grew louder again.

Slowly and carefully I went past Indra, trying not to get close to her. I had to get closer to Lexa, wanted to feel and support her. Immediately, Lexa gratefully took my hand, which she tightly enclosed and pulled me to herself. 

"But she can, if you are not able to protect her." Lexa will stay here and help. " I almost shouted at her. How could Indra be so stubborn? The anger in me was indescribable. "Or she will be somewhere found dead one day. Do you want that?" Everything within me contracted, as the last words hardly left my lips whispered.

I had just expressed my greatest fear. My fear of losing Lexa forever. Tears flowed unchecked over my face. My body shook, with fear, with rage. Which of the two feelings was stronger, I could not distinguish at the moment.

Lexa carefully released my hand and pulled me into a tight embrace. Put her arms protectively around me and pulled small soothing circles with her thumbs across my back. A small sob, which I could no longer suppress, came over my lips as I buried my head at her neck. 

"Shhh, all right Clarke, I'm not going anywhere, I'm staying here." Whispered Lexa before she breathed a gentle kiss on my hair. Immediately I relaxed noticeably as I took in her warmth and security. How gladly I fell into it. Indra, on the other hand, was simply motionless. She seemed to slowly understand Lexa's and my words. She looked for the right words.

"You really want to leave the band?" Asked Indra after a felt eternity. Her face was filled with disbelief. Her voice a broken whisper. "Lexa, you want to throw away everything that we have built?"

I raised my head to look for the green eyes, but our eyes met for a moment, but all I could see in them was deep determination and so much love for me. 

Lexa said nothing. She nodded to Indra only slightly. The embrace around me was getting stronger. I knew her decision was far from easy. She was now looking for some hold with me and so I closed my arms around Lexa and let my hands gently stroking her back.

"I can not stay in the band Indra Clarke is right, it would kill me some day." She whispered in a trembling voice. My heart contracted. But it also made me so immensely proud that Lexa decided for my way. Decided for her health.

"What about the Grammy's, you're nominated in ten categories, you do not want to leave Anya and Costia alone, you're the stars of the evening." Asked Indra much calmer. But I saw clearly how her tension rose with every second. She seemed to see everything floating. She looked almost begging. 

Lexa pulled away gently from me. I could feel the warmth that had enveloped me so far, disappeared, and restlessness grew inside me again. She walked up and down in her room. The nominations for the Grammy's were a dream for Lexa. She had received some in recent years, but this year she was able to set records. The band could become immortal.

Everyone in the room was silent. And with every second that passed, the air became thicker, the tension taller. Everything within me conjoined. With every second that passed, my heart pounded. It was hardly more to endure. I looked at Lexa clearly, that she was torn inside.

A dream could come true. And even I thought she belonged to LA, but I could not say it, not yet. I did not want to send her back to this devil circle, which could mean her downfall. Even if the award was only in five weeks. 

Still, Lexa walked up and down, nervous. Indra's suspicious eyes followed her unceasingly. The air in the room could now be cut. The excitement rose to immeasurable proportions. I closed my eyes, soothed my breathing. Try to slow down my heartbeat, but I could not. On the contrary, it was always wilder.

And suddenly Lexa stopped at the window. Her hands are trembling on the window-sill. Her gaze went into the distance into the green. She took a deep breath once more, breathing slowly, before she began to speak softly.

"I'll be there with Clarke, but it will be my last gig with the band." I heard Lexa swallow hard, while Indra's expression was light. "Until then, I'll stay here." 

Indra nodded lightly and contentedly. She had won time. She could live with that Lexa stayed in the clinic, because the appointments were anyway canceled. And if it was Lexa's last appearance with her colleagues, the final word should not be discussed. Indra had got what she wanted, at least a part.

With a satisfied face expression, she went to the door, nodded to Lincoln and asked him to follow her. I had forgotten him. He had been quiet all the time.

"Indra!" I heard Lexa behind me, her hands gently on my waist. "I have a condition." The dark-skinned woman looked questioningly. "I want Linc to stay here and watch out for Clarke, you know how the paparazzi can be."

Once again, Indra Lincoln nodded slightly before she left the room without another word and the burly man dropped back with us.


	35. DESIRE

Clarke POV

At last the door closed and Indra was gone. Nearly a hundredweight fell from my shoulders, and an incomprehensible relief spread within me. Even if we had only won a few weeks, it was better than nothing. Lexa should get time to recover and intensely devote herself to the therapy.

I was sure that Indra had not spoken the last word about Lexa's exit from the band. This certainly did not allow her to sit down. Indra was just too obsessed with the success of the band.

I leaned back, relieved. Let me fall against Lexa, who now put her arms around me and breathed gentle kisses into my neck. 

"Ladies, I'm waiting outside the room and leave you alone." Lincoln also took leave of us. To him, the whole situation was still visibly unpleasant and I had almost forgotten him. We were less than three seconds later, alone.

I closed my eyes and enjoyed Lexa's warm breath, which let my neck hair get up with pleasure. I felt her lustful kisses that were more intense, leaving some hickeys on my neck.

A soft, lusty moan left my lips as I turned gently into Lexa's arms. I had to unite my eyes with her green eyes, which reminded me of endless meadows and forests. Which made me feel secure and at the same time so free. 

A brief smile crossed my face when I started to play at the hem of Lexa's shirt. The green of her eyes became visibly darker, more lustful and more eager. And I would lie if I said that I felt different. Our lips met with full force. I could feel her biting my lower lip and then nursing the short pain with her tongue.

As her tongue asked for admission, which I immediately gave her. For almost eternally our tongues danced passionately. None wanted to separate themselves from the other, although the air was getting scarce. The desire for each other was much greater.

My heart beat so incredibly strong that I was afraid Lexa would feel it or even hear it. The tingling of my whole body brought me into a state of inner ecstasy. 

And without knowing what happened to me, I landed on Lexa's bed. My shirt flew briefly followed by my bra carelessly on the floor. Hot kisses coated my body. I felt her tongue circling around my nipple, gently biting my teeth, before her lips surroundet it again. How Lexa's hand gently massaged my other chest.

A distinctly audible and no longer oppressive moan left my lips, which dampened Lexa as she united her lips with mine. We were not alone here. Lincoln stood outside the door, but this interested either of us really. We just wanted us. Arrived in our own small, so fragile bubble. 

Slowly and reluctantly I pulled Lexa's shirt over her head, covered the cups of her bra with my hands before I stripped her also this. I gently massaged her breasts, while our lips and tongues fought ever more intensely. Quickly I rolled onto her, so I took the position over Lexa.

Her hands clasped in my back, and I was sure that she was left with deep traces. My hands wandered incessantly against it further down her body. Opened her pants and stripped her this with her panties. Our lips did not leave a fraction of a second. Too magical was the attraction that connected them.

Softly, my hands stroked her sensitive points on the belly and between the thighs, which Lexa moaned softly and lustfully into my mouth. The pleasure and the tingling in me rose to an immeasurable degree. 

My lips wandered over her face, breathing kisses on her cheeks, her throat. Teeth gently nibbled at her earlobe.

The green in her eyes was no longer visible. It had given way to a blackness, seeing the pure lust and the infinite desire. Something that also caused my body to tremble and gave me a slight moan.

She lifted her pelvis slightly as I began to circle her nerve bundles with my thumb, and teased it softly. Slowly I inserted the first, then the second finger into her, curled them lightly and began to move them rhythmically. Faster and faster.

The circling pressure of my thumb in her sensual center became more intense. The movement of her pelvis got faster. I felt her body begin to tremble under me as her breathing became more and more hectic as she approached her climax. 

She was trembling, and with my name, who came to her lips loud and sensual, she found salvation only a moment later. My fingers remained still in her, waiting for her body to relax again. Before I continued with my caresses.

Slowly I kissed the path from her lips to her most sensitive spots. Gently bite her thigh, just to lessen the pain then again with my tongue and my lips. My lips and my tongue worked closer and closer to their nerve bundles. Supersede my thumb and took over from his task.

Gently my tongue circled her center while my fingers slowly moved back into her. My movements were getting faster, adjusting to Lexa's rhythm, her hands now burying in my hair and holding me in that position. 

"Fuck, Clark!" She cried louder and more breathless than before when she found salvation. For a little while I remained in this position. Before I pulled Lexa lovingly into my arms and she slowly calmed down again. Gently, my hand swept over her completely sweaty body. Before she turned to me and I called only minutes later loudly her name in full arousal.

Breathlessly we held ourselves in the arms for minutes. Still breathing heavily and slowly we calmed down again, our heartbeat returned to a normal value.

"Everything okay, Lex?" I asked for what felt like an eternity in which we just kept us only in the arms. 

"Hmmm!" She replied, slightly sleepy. "When you are with me, my world is all right." An uncertain smile covered her face. "I do not need drugs. You're the best drug I can imagine." My heart did somersaults. The smile seemed to be sculpted in my face. I was so happy here in her arms, so happy for that brief moment.

I felt gentle kisses on my hair, a nibble on my earlobe. Why could not I stop the time? Too much I enjoyed the brief moment that still remained. Enjoyed the warmth that surrounded me. The affection that we were able to share again in a week.

Also Lexa seemed now to have realized that we only had a few moments today that connected us. Her embrace became firmer again, the stroking of her hands more intense and sensual. Her kisses get hotter again. 

We were in our own world, where there were only the two of us and my cell phone, which called us back to the here and now. Annoyed, I rolled my eyes, how could someone dare to disturb our common time so abruptly?

"Do not you want to take the phone call, maybe it's important?" Breathed Lexa in my ear, after the fifth time the bell rang and the caller simply did not want to hang up.

I did not want to, but I got up. Gave up my warm embrace in which I felt so comfortable. Leaning silently before me, I rummaged through my pocket while Lexa watched me at every step and had a sensual smile on her face. Her eyes scanned my body lustfully from head to toe. 

Finally I held my phone in my hand. Still ringing, felt the tenth time. But someone was really persistent. I looked at the display and took the call angry. Nothing was left from my good mood, before I thought it would last forever.

"What do you want Bellamy?"


End file.
